147.

My Day:

Woke up at 6:30 to the sounds of my dad playing Wii Fit Boxing.
Dozed until 7.
Went outside at 7:30 only to find my doors semi iced shut. I finally pried one door open.
I didn't drive to work, I slid to work. Coming down exit 13 I ended up taking a curve a little too fast (about 20mph) and turned my car completely around. One moment I was looking at Lowe's, the next moment I was looking at Rt. 16. Luckily I wasn't off the road. However, I found myself performing an Olympic scale three point turn while a commercial van came down the ramp towards me. I took the gold.

Work was pretty much boring today. Just your typical freezing cold 9 hour day.
OH, but I did break the key copying machine. That's a highlight.
I came home, kicked some Wii Boxing Butt, made some Chicken Alfredo to kill whatever calorie burning progress I made.
Then I did some yoga. I actually LIKE yoga. =]
And now I'm here. What an eventful day!

146.

I feel like all I ever talk about is work. However, I suppose that is better than talking just about boys.
Actually, strike that. Today, this blog is about a boy at work. :P

This is about Devin. If you have an AMAZING memory, you may recall me talking about Devin earlier, about three months ago. If you don't recall, I'll jog your memory.
Three months ago I was just back from Rexburg, a town where 98 percent of the population is Mormon. I had not seen smoking, heard cursing, seen tattoos or piercings in over 6 months. Three months ago is also when I started working at Lowe's where a vast majority of the workers smoke, all of them cuss, many have tattoos and Devin has lots of piercings. (A few others have tongue piercings, but Devin takes the prize.) Devin has a septum piercing, lip piercing(s), two gauges per ear and well, I think that's it. It was probably my first day on registers when I met him. He came through my line and paid cash. When a person pays cash I have to ask for their phone number. Well, not only did he do the usual "this is when you can call" line that I usually get from old men, he used a pet name such as honey, sweetie, or something to that effect. I was pretty much shell shocked. Someone called me HONEY after first meeting me AND played the whole phone number game?? Where the heck was I? After I calmed down, which took about four days to do, I got to know him better. He really reminds me of some of the people I used to hang out with in High School. He is a sweet guy and sensitive sometimes. He knows when I'm having a bad day when no one else notices and always has something positive to say. Today he was talking to me and he randomly goes, "Have you lost weight?" Me, "Yeahh..." Devin, "Congrats!! How much?" Me, "Like, 25 pounds." He got all excited for me and everything. I don't think my MOM even noticed until I told her. (You know it's bad when you lose 25 pounds and it's not terribly noticeable. HAHA.) After asking how I did it, (I have NO clue how I've lost weight, by the way, as I'm currently eating an entire roll of Life Savers,) Devin implied something about how he kinda likes bigger girls. Knowing the lingo, I added in, "Oh, you like BBW?" Well, I get an A for shocking Devin. He did a 'I'm so surprised you knew that so I'm going to step back to show you how surprised I am' thing and then explained that he was surprised how I knew that. My response was naturally: "Big beautiful woman? Psh, honey, please, I know what I am!" Cue exit. Bahaha.


Now, to talk about other guys at work. Haha. I usually plan on having the, "Do Mormons celebrate Christmas?" question once per holiday season. However, I was graced with two this year and thus had to explain that we are the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints. One response was "So, you're not like the Jehovah's Witnesses?" And the other response was, "Oh. Okay." I'm really glad I have the opportunity to teach the people I work with about my religion. I once tried to do that at my old job, but another girl who is in a different religion started to get snotty towards me and my views. Anytime I did anything not perfect, she would get mad at me and say, "I thought Mormons strive for perfection." No matter how many times I explained agency and perfection as the church sees it, she would just shut me down by saying something final. She didn't really listen. So, I haven't had a whole lot of positive experiences with sharing my religion. This job at Lowe's however has shown me that it's okay to be true to myself while displaying my beliefs. I don't expect everyone to remember that I don't like crude jokes, excessive cussing, etc., I obviously don't want them to pay me any special attention. "Oh, she's MORMON, watch what you say!!" That's not my goal. However, there is great respect there as well. Someone once went to tell me a joke and first asked my permission to tell a raunchy one. Permission denied, thank you. And he was okay with that. Someone else I work with used to be a member when she lived on the west coast. She no longer is, but she still has respect for the church. However, lately, I've been struggling with one old habit that is really hard for me. Before I joined the church I had a NASTYYYY cursing habit. I think a sailor could occasionally be embarrassed around me. Well, as I mentioned, Lowe's associates cuss. They cuss a LOT. I'm the type of person who always picks up common vernacular. I don't know why or how words slip into my vocabulary, but it just does. So, now I will occasionally find myself slipping out a cuss word or five.

I know that this is kind of lame, but I feel as though my environment affects me more than I want it to. When I was at school, I obviously wasn't perfect, but I found good examples all around me. I didn't have the desire to be the person I used to be when I was at school. I understand that I should be my own leader and do it on my own. I should be steadfast and immovable. I do try. I mean, I don't read my scriptures every day, I don't pray every day, but finally I find Mormonism shaping my thoughts, actions and ideas. It's hard to explain but changes have happened. Whenever I get frustrated with things at work, I just think about all my many blessings. When people steal or lie (customers) I get SO mad and frustrated. Sadly, this has turned into a blind area of mine. I don't expect people to lie or steal. Everyone else at work expects it. In fact, my expecting honesty from people gets me in trouble. I had a customer say that all the parts were there for a huge air compressor. I believed him and did the return for it. Not everything was there. Today a man handed me 3 lengths of wire. I asked if they were the same length. He said yes. I mean, I obviously could have checked to make sure, but he said they were the same. I believed him. He was reimbursed a few dollars more than he should have been. It makes me so mad. He LIED for a few extra bucks. Then he proceeded to use a license that wasn't his own and tried to sell his merchandise card off to everyone in the store. I don't understand why people lie, steal and cheat. Is it REALLY worth it? Five extra dollars is worth all that? So, I'm pretty sure that I've been pulled aside by management more than any other cashier to talk about customers who were/are shady. I don't know if that is a bad thing or good. After I make a mistake, it doesn't happen again. I mean, now I doubt everyone and think that everyone is naturally up to no good. I don't like that. I like my naive world where I think that people are honest. For the most part, people are good people. Retail does frustrate me after a while. I learn not to trust anyone, especially not customers. Honestly, "The Customer is Always Right" created a MONSTER. I really can be a pushover.

A+ for most random, stream of consciousness blog ever.

145.

Why does 8.5 hour shifts at Kohl's go by slower than a 9 hour at Lowe's? I do more at Kohl's and have more customers, yet my day takes for-ev-errrr.

Anyway, I haven't been on here lately, and I wanted to tell everyone that it's okay: I'm still alive. =]

Favorite artist of the moment: Eagles of Death Metal. <3 Insane love.

IN LESS THAN A WEEK MY BEXIE COMES HOMEEE. And I will be going shopping with her. Yayyyy! Then after that we won't ever shop again. Until it's time to shop for a car! :D

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. Asher told me it's better to fall asleep before midnight. I didn't achieve that, but I can make up for it. G'niteeee. <3

12 Squared

Sometimes, when I see numbers, I think of how that number is broken down. I mostly do that when I see square roots in numbers. The only way that I can tell what time 16:00 is is by knowing that the square root of 16 is 4. It is 4 o'clock. Hence the name of this blog post.


Anyway, I signed onto my blogger to tell everyone all about my terrible day, but FIRST, I had to check all of my Facebook status updates. Well, I didn't have to, but being a 19 year old female who tries to keep up with all her friends, it was almost mandatory. Almost. That's when I saw this quote posted by a friend of mine that kind of made me stop and rethink my day:

"Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others . . . By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves." - Gordon B. Hinckley

 I read this quote a long time ago, back when I first joined the church, and frankly, just seeing that positive statement really made me all warm and fuzzy inside. So, instead of me just complaining to you about my terrible day, which, I'm still going to do, I'm going to make sure to include some positive things as well.

Last night, I could not get to sleep. I've been feeling not so great the last week or so. I've been congested, coughing, sneezing, the regular terrible cold symptoms. Last night I was feeling a little better, so I decided to not take any Nyquil to put me out of my misery. Well, that didn't work. So, around midnight, I plodded downstairs and took the last of the liquid Nyquil, which was about 3/4 of a dose. Went back to bed. STILL couldn't breathe or sleep. So around 1:30, I plodded back down the stairs and took Nyquil in pill form. So, overall, it took 1.75 doses of Nyquil to affect me. So, after my drug-induced coma of sorts, I woke up at about 11:30. I felt AMAZING. Then I looked out my window. Amazing feeling depleted. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE a little bit of snow, but ahem, 7 inches of it? Mmmmno thanks. I decided that, meh, it's no big deal. I'll get through it. So I went downstairs and found basically nothing for food. So, I took out a frozen stir fry and fried it up. It was delish. I love frozen stir fries. Since there is nothing for food, I decide that I'll stop at Hannaford's on my way to work and just pick up a Lean Cuisine or something. I got dressed in some jeans that DON'T touch the floor, two tee shirts, a puffer vest, a barn jacket, a beanie hat, and huge, thick boots. I was a sight to behold. Armed with my snow scraper, I head out to my truck. Oh yes, I recall, I pulled into my parking spot so I'll have to back out, turn around, then go forward towards the street. WELL. I got right down to work. I started the beast of a Ford F-250 3/4 ton with a v8 engine right on up, turned up my WCYY radio and started scraping snow. I forgot how hard it is to reach up there, but I did it. It was IMMACULATE. I jumped right on in, (literally, jumped) and stuck it in reverse and.... that's it folks. That's all I did. I moved maybe a foot and I was stuck. I went forward a little bit, then floored it to go into reverse. I figured I'd get traction soon enough. Oh no. There was no traction. Instead, I went sideways right into my lawn. GREAT. So, I walk up the driveway, back into the garage and get my shovel out. I shovel out my back tires cause, OH, didn't I tell you? My F-250 is a TWO WHEEL DRIVE. Well, after I shovel it out, I manage to reverse about another foot. So, I have successfully moved 2 feet backwards and about five feet to the side. Well, I guess I ought to go get some sand which is half way down the driveway. So I grab my shovel and trudge down the driveway, get a scoopful of sand, walk back up the driveway, place the sand under my tire, go back, grab more sand, put it under the other wheel, throw the shovel out of the way, get in the truck and reverse again. Success! I got another 10 inches reversed. I also went a little sideways and took out the driveway reflector/marker, too, but oh well. Repeat the sand fetching and reversing sentence. Only this time, I REALLY took out the reflector. It is now under my driver's side tire. Ooops. I did this exercise about five times before I actually got the truck reversed enough where I had the room to turn to go straight. That took another two trips for sand and finally, I was heading down the driveway. This took all of forty minutes, a handful of cuss words and a fist thrown into my steering wheel. Patience IS a virtue after all. I did not stop at the end of my driveway, I just plowed out onto the road. If I had stopped at the bottom, I would have been stuck again. I weighed my choices and I decided that I'd rather get hit than get stuck again. Hindsight being 20/20, I probably would have gone with the being stuck option. All through Farmington the roads were great. So, I called my dad to let him know that the driveway was a little worse for wear and I was finally on my way to work. Then I turned on to route 11 and almost lost all my grip on the road. Route 11 was TERRIBLE. I don't think anyone plowed it. I began fishtailing all over the road, hung up on my dad, and tried to get a grip. Close call, but safe there. So, traffic is naturally going about 25 in a 55, but seeing how the roads were pretty bad, I don't blame them. But now I'm running late. And the truck is getting really hot. So I roll down my window just in time for some snow to decide that it doesn't want to stay on my roof anymore. It slides down onto my windshield where my wipers are going full steam. Therefore, the snow came flying in my window and hits me right in the lap. Needless to say, window went up and I decided to fry. Now it's time to turn on to route 16. Whoever plowed 16 decided that the route was really 6 inches over from where the actual road lay. So, I, naturally, went off the road, my tire got sucked into a mini ditch and I had to force my way out of it. By doing so, I ended up yanking my wheel over to the left and therefore, fishtailing again. Now, mind you, I have 720 pounds of weight in my truck: fishtailing should not occur. Luckily, no one was on the road as I ended up on the opposite side of traffic. I got off of 16 with no harm, except for when I turned onto Washington Street I ended up in the wrong lane and almost rammed another car, but what else is new? I turn into my lovely Lowe's parking lot and... IT ISN'T PLOWED. Not one bit. OH, except  for the first six parking spots which is NOT employee parking. Come to find out, the plow company had been there all day... drinking coffee and plowing the road part of the parking lot, not the actual parking spots. So, I have no options: I have to park somewhere. So, I pull into a mound of snow... only to get stuck in the mound of snow. Crooked. And hanging out into a lane. Bloody Perfect. I didn't care. I just went inside. I get in the door and my coworker goes, "How you doing??" What do I do? Cry. I was so frustrated with snow, drivers, snow, plowers, snow, sand, snow, people. So, I cried. Pathetic. I slinked off to the break room where, OH GREAT, it seems like everyone is on break. It was packed full. So, everyone is all, "Cat, what's wrong? You okay?" So, I told them about how stuck I got, how I'm stuck again and how I hate snow and they all say how sorry they are about my truck being a 2 wheel drive. It goes quiet then someone goes, "AT LEAST YOU'RE ON TIME." Laughter ensues. One guy goes, "How come you didn't call on a man to help you?" I respond, "I don't want a man, or need a man to help me. I am an independent woman who can get herself out of her own messes." He goes, "Ya hear that," to my coworker. She goes, "I shoveled myself out! But my boyfriend is coming to pick me up." 

1. I got stuck

2. I almost died coming to work

3. I got stuck in my own parking lot

4. I didn't have time to go to Hannaford's for lunch. So I ate animal crackers for dinner and 2 bottles of water.

5. I had guys asking me all night if I was okay. I HATE crying and I hate crying in front of guys the most.

6. A married man called me 'babe.'

7. A (different) married man basically implied that he is looking for a girlfriend cause he needs some attention. 

8. My best friend's computer crashed and now I can't AIM her. =[

POSITIVE TIME!!!

1. I finally look good in a beanie hat. I used to look so weird in one, but now that my hair has grown out some, I look good in one.

2. I know from experience that I want an AWD/4WD

3. I got paid to do basically nothing all night cause we had practically no customers.

4. Most of my Christmas shopping is done thanks to Amazon.com

5. My bestieeeeeeee is going to be home in 12 days.

6. I have a jug of orange juice to console with.

7. I have finally figured out Korean letters. I just have to remember them all.

8. I'm just as obsessed with Korean stuff as Bex is.

9. Bex is bringing home my textbook so I don't have to buy it and ship it here. <3

10. I'm finally not congested anymore. :D

I know that the quote says that we're miserable when we think only of ourselves, and I know also that many of those statements began with "I," but maybe that's okay this time.

143.

I have amour-propre. Thank you French for that word.

I still love my job at Lowe's. In 8 days it will be my 3 month mark which means I should be getting a review. I hope that it's a good one  cause I have been trying. At Kohl's, I didn't really care a whole lot. I cared about credit because, well, if I ever tell you that I'm not competitive, I'm lying. I don't like being competitive, so I try to come off as not competitive, but really, I do care about trying to be the best. I was like, number three in the store for credit solicitations. Being back there now makes me feel gross. I HATE selling credit to these poor people. I don't want them to get the Kohl's card. It's not a good thing to have. But in order to have a good standing with the store, I have to solicit. I just feel gross being there now. It's all a nasty competition on who can be the best. At Lowe's, it is SO laid back and chill. Ten minutes late? Oh, oh well, at least he/she came. Want to trade shifts with someone, SURE! as long as the shift gets covered, no one cares. At Kohl's you had to have your signature, the other person's signature, a manager's approval, a sheet of paper declaring that if you don't show up than you're both in trouble, blah blah blah. At Lowe's, just tell your supervisor, the supervisor will vocally verify the changes, then change the schedule in the break room. At Lowe's if a customer cusses with you and you cuss back, well, sure it isn't amazing that you're cussing, but if the customer doesn't mind, it's all fine. You break your finger on the Kohl's sales-floor and say the s-word cause, go figure, it hurts, and some little girl hears you, the mother becomes appalled and tells the manger? Yep, you can bet that the manager is not happy. That may be an exaggeration of some sorts, but I do remember associates getting busted for cussing even when no customers were in the building. At Lowe's, the associates cuss at each other all the time. Obviously not in a fighting way, but just the slip of the tongue kind of way. Now, I'm not sitting here defending cussing or anything, I'm just trying to show the difference in work environments. Kohl's can have it's pants in a bunch while Lowe's is all chill and carefree. Yeah, we still have rules, guidelines and expectations, but we don't have to shove credit down customer's throats, then ask them for their email address and say the rigid phrase, "Thank you for shopping at Kohl's!" We do, however, have to invite our Lowe's customers back in some sort of phrase. I usually just say something like, "Feel free to come back soon," "Come back soon," or "See you later!" I try to keep it casual. Most of the time when I say, "See you later," the customer is always like, "OHHH, yes you will!"

I'm not trying to say that Kohl's is a terrible place or anything. I used to enjoy working there when I was younger. Oooooh, I'm old enough to say that now. But, I have a work environment that I am more comfortable with. It could just be the sneakers and jeans talking to me, or it could be the repeat customers who are there every day that are both cute and friendly who know me by name now. It could be the people I work with who are so care-free and lovable. They feel like a family of some sort. Yes. All 150 of them. It's a big family and every lunch break feels like a family reunion.

What I'm getting at is that I don't feel as though I can expect great things while we build something together. So I think I'm just going to stay with the lets build something together and leave the great things for other people. <3

142.

So last night I watched a movie that is probably not kosher for a young Mormon girl to watch, but I did it because I always feel rebellious against little things like this. I think it was rated R if it was rated at all. I read the reviews and all gave praise to this movie. Okay, Cat, what movie was it? It is called "Latter Days." Well, that's nice, but what is it about? Well, this is where things get difficult. It's about this young missionary who goes from the Missionary Training Center to LA. He looks like your typical greenie -- confident in his religion but scared out of his mind to be away from home and having to confront strangers about his less than typical lifestyle. Being that he is living in LA, he obviously lives close to his neighbor -- a pretty boy homosexual who is confident in his own conversion skills. Aaron, the missionary, and Christian, the pretty boy, obviously bump into each other and Christian tells his friends with whom he works with that he can get one of those Mormons into his bed. His friends take the bet and Christian's proof has to be Mormon underwear, (they hear that it glitters). Aaron and Christian meet in the laundry room that they apparently have to share with the public. Christian arranges for a discussion. Aaron is pumped for his first discussion. Too bad his companion is a jerk. Aaron gave the first discussion about Joseph Smith's first vision to Christian and Christian's friend, Julia. Julia asks about the church's views on blacks. Aaron gives a succinct and true answer about how blacks were allowed the priesthood beginning in 1978. Then Julia asks about the priesthood and how that pertains to women. Aaron's companion takes that question and says that while only men get the priesthood, women have the holy calling of being mothers, wives and care-takers. So, of course, Christian has to ask about the Church's views on homosexuality. This is where Aaron's companion bombs the test. "God hates fags! Burn in hell you stupid homosexual!" Flunker of a companion. Later the companion tells Aaron that the only reason he is on his mission is because his girlfriend wouldn't marry him unless he went. He also can't wait to "bang" her, he says. He is basically the worst missionary I have ever seen in my life. ANYWAY, I digress. Aaron and pretty boy Christian begin to fall for each other to the point where Christian goes all or nothing ignoring the bet. Aaron's companion got in a bike accident and so Aaron arrives home before the other elders do and he is really shaken up. Christian sees this and goes to comfort Aaron. When the other elders walk in, the two are kissing. Aaron's companion shouts out, "Oh, great, pretty boy isn't the only fag around here!" Christian doesn't get how big of a deal this situation is and says that it's not a big deal; nothing happened. "Nothing happened? You two were macking like two little school girls!" Aaron confirms that it's a big deal by kicking Christian out. Aaron is quickly shipped home: sent home in "shame". Christian comes knocking at the missionaries home to be greeted by Aaron's ex companion. Said ex tells Christian that Aaron was really into the church, loved it, knew it etc, and that he was now losing everything. Christian hurts for Aaron -- he can't bear to think that Aaron lost all that he cared about because of him. So Christian learns that Aaron, on his way to Pocatello, Idaho, his home, has a five hour layover in Salt Lake City. Christian jumps the next plane to find him. He finds Aaron, they talk, they basically figure out that they love each other and erm, spend a night at a hotel. Christian wakes up to find Aaron gone. Aaron's parents bring him home. His mother won't look at him and his father, the stake president, won't come home until late into the evening. Aaron goes to his disciplinary council, which his father is head of, and his father gives the verdict: Aaron is to be excommunicated. "I am so deeply shamed," says his father, "that you were connived into becoming homosexual." Later, Aaron confronts his mom. "Mom... mom..." "What, Aaron?" she responds, not looking up from her chore. "I wanted to see if you could bring yourself to look at your son." He adds, "What if it isn't what I did, but it's who I am?" His mother slaps him across the face and says, "Heavenly Father could maybe forgive what you did, but He could never forgive who you are." Aaron realizes the gravity of the whole situation, goes upstairs and slits his wrists open. Meanwhile, back in LA, Christian can't get Aaron out of his head. He goes through the online  directory and calls every Davies in Pocatello trying to find Aaron. Finally, he gets a hold of Aaron's mother. She informs him rather curtly that because of him, she no longer has a son. No, he isn't dead, he is in a facility receiving "therapy" to make him straight. The therapy? Cold baths, shock therapy and discipline. Christian shows up at Aaron's house to return something that Aaron left behind. Aaron's mother opens the door. She mistakes him as one of the elders Aaron served with, "I can just tell, you have that look about you." When she finds out it is Christian, the boy who 'destroyed' her son, she is appalled. He doesn't have horns and a tail, no, he is human. He returns to LA and so does Aaron after busting out of that therapy place. He knocks on Christian's door only to have some half dressed man to answer it. Discouraged that he was only a fling, he goes to a restaurant owned by a woman he met while on his mission. She comforts him and offers him whiskey. He keeps to the Word of Wisdom by opting for a Coke. Suddenly you hear a clatter of dishes and lo and behold, there is Christian, the waiter. They embrace and live happily ever after.

So, why am I sharing this? Despite the swears from the movie and the content, I really needed to see it. Why on earth would I need to see this movie that goes so against the church? Well, it showed me what people outside of the church see. I never really saw the set backs, the rules, the constrictions. Yes, I know what they are, but it isn't a limitation to me. I see why people wouldn't immediately want to jump on board. The worst thing I have had to try to explain is why I don't work Sundays. One girl was really inconvenienced by that and another guy respected me for it. He said that it is good to see that someone still observes that age old commandment. I don't know what I would say if someone asked me about homosexuals. How do I explain it in a way that isn't negative? I certainly won't handle it the way that Aaron's companion did. That is just way out of line. Also, it made me think about how not everyone is happy in the church. The church isn't for everyone, even if everyone was made for the church. It just doesn't always work out like that. It would be too perfect if every person just said, "Yes, sign me up Scottie. This sounds marvelous!" But yet, we can't JUDGE them. They make their own choices, even if it WAS to leave the church. Only I can know if I am right. I can't account for everyone's righteousness. They have their on beliefs and thoughts that need to be respected.
This movie increased my testimony about the church. Just the church, though. People can be so WRONG. The things that were said at Aaron's disciplinary council were TERRIBLE. I can't imagine if anyone said it to me. The things that Aaron's companion said and did were awful. The way Aaron's parents treated him was terrifying. I realize that this movie was the worst case scenario of people and their prejudices, but I know that this kind of thing happens. It has happened to people I know. People leave the church because of people's wrong actions. Now, I'm not saying that I know what being a "right" person is, but I imagine a whole lot more loving going on than what happened in the movie.
Judging based on wrongdoings like that is terrible. Saying what Heavenly Father won't do is ridiculous. How can you know what Heavenly Father will or will not do? You can't know. He is more powerful and more loving than you. That should go without saying. So telling a son that Heavenly Father won't forgive you for being gay? I mean, sure, it's better to not be gay, to not turn away from your upbringing, but if I were treated like scum by my entire family, glared at by church members and told that I was a disgrace to the church, I'd probably leave too. But this HAPPENS. Many people who experience Same Sex Attraction (SSA) in the church find themselves quickly turning about face to the gospel after being shunned instead of welcomed. A person who has SSA needs a smile, a hand and a friend, not a cold gaze, folded arms and a boot. I don't understand why Latter Day Saints can be so quick to judge, scorn and ridicule. Not all LDS members are like that, obviously, I just wish more members were empathetic, understanding and loving.

I'm so thankful for the gospel, my ability to read, understand and interpret it. I pray that I can be slow to judge and quick to love, always. I pray to always remember that poor choices do not make a poor person. I pray to always choose the right, even if others disagree as to whether or not it is right. Abide with me?

141

Awkward/bad things:
1. I had a customer call me "Kitty" today.
2. I didn't put any money into savings this week.
3. I can't sleep (ever) and am contemplating a doctors appointment about it.
4. My manager from Lowe's left. :[ That guys is amazing. 

Amazing things:
1. I don't know if this is 'amazing', but I wicked miss my old roomie, and I guess that just shows how much I think she is amazing.
2. I love my job at Lowe's. Yep yep. Still do. Almost three months solid. Now that, my friends, is a first.
3. I'mma sing a song with Asherrr! :D
4. Bex comes home in less than a monthhh! :D
5. I bought a new straightening iron and it is the love of my life. Second to my new sneakers. And well, maybe my future husband. But, we'll see. He has some competition with a pink generic chi.
6. I am actually vaguely tired. Like, a hint of tired at midnight. So I'm going to see if I can take advantage of that and get rid of my baggy dark under eye circles that has people wondering about my living situation. Haha.

I love my friendssss. :]

140.

Awee, I love my best friend. I miss her too! Korea <3 :D

Today I worked my Kohl's job and it wasn't that bad. Last time I worked at Kohl's last week it was okay. I wasn't extremely excited about it though. But today everyone was being super amazing. Even the office ladies were being chill with me, which, they never were. We were just sitting there cracking jokes after I got out of work and talking about bills and banks. YES. I had something to even contribute to that conversation because, I have A bill. And I have other expenses, obviously. And now I have opinions of different banks. So, we were able to have a good conversation, which I loved. Then, Skinner, Lordy knows what his real name is, came in, and he's unique. Gosh, oh, I love the kid, he's hilarious, but he isn't the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. Well, he's okay with it, he knows that as well as the next person. So, we were joshing him and he said something about how his mother is a "really smart woman." Then he further added to that statement by saying, "and so is my father." Lickety split before I could stop myself, I said, "Your father is a smart woman, eh?" Oh, the office ladies almost swallowed their suckers whole, and it was a tootsie pop, not a dum dum they almost gagged on. Oh they were roaring with laughter. Don't worry, Skinner was laughing too. He knows I like him.

Black Friday is going to be something else, I tell you. Both Lowe's and Kohl's require my service. So, I'm going to start my morning at 4am at Kohl's. I'll work there until 10:30, then I work Lowe's 11-6 I think. So, it'll be a good 14 hour day for me. Then I will go home and collapse until Saturday when I most likely have to do it again. But it'll pay off in the long run.

Gotta go, gotta fly.

137.

This was a draft I never posted, hence my random numbering problem.

Bex, you didn't miss anything, I did. :P

139.

I went to dismiss my sister from school today. Just a "I feel like plucking her from the hell called High School" feeling. Well, the office ladies informed me that I'm not authorized to do that. What? Not only am I listed as an emergency contact for my sister, but I am 19 and considered an adult by society. I can get a credit card but not my sister? So, I asked what my options were. Well, I can call my mom and ask for her permission to remove Christina from class. How do they know I am calling my mother and not a pizza place? I could call my home phone and pretend to have this conversation with my 'mother' and remove my sister that way. Apparently, you have to be 25 to dismiss any child from school. UNLESS you're under the age of 25 and the child you're trying to dismiss is YOUR child. Yes my friends, there is a clause in school policies that allow you to dismiss your child from school even if you are not yet 25. But as for me? I can't take my sister out of school because, alas, I am not 25. The office lady also informed me that 19 is just a number. As opposed to 25? I wanted to ask. Oh no, being 25 validates you. I can fight a war, bear arms, buy cigarettes, play lotto, ruin my credit, take out student loans, be arrested as an adult, but I can't remove my sister from school.

Oh society.

138.

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts. -Kahil Gibran
This is my new motto because it is so very true.

And also, on that thought, I am going to go write the book I started while at school and write in my journal.

Oh, the life.

136.

There is so much I could really say right now,
but being a Christian woman, I can't.




Sometimes I think about silly things.
"I really hope that when I start to go gray, they'll have a hair color that actually matches my hair."
"Oh man, I forgot to brush my teeth last night! Now I'm going to have dentures at 46 years of age."
"What would you call the baby of an ostrich and emu? Emrich?"
Sometimes I think about really logical things.
"If I took this as my major, would I feel fulfilled?"
"Would I consider marrying someone who DOESN'T have the priesthood?"
"If I buy a two year subscription but don't even know if I'll have this computer for that long, am I really saving money?"
Then, sometimes I try to think about what my sister thinks about.
She never really talks about what she thinks, just about what she knows.
Does she think about tons of facts all the time?
Does she think about guys?
Does she think, "Oh man, I'm going to get in such big trouble if I don't listen!"
Then sometimes I wonder if she thinks.
She must, right?
But what about?

135.

I lost my temper. I'm not saying it's okay, but I'm not saying it's not okay.
I'm human and I can only be pushed so far.
But I do have to  say that friends lose patience with friends sometimes.
Sometimes friends say snotty things, so I respond back.
Old habits die hard.
I was pretty good with my temper through high school.
I was the 'nice one' who didn't get mad at all.
It was hard, yes, and people took advantage of me.
I lost my self worth.
You see, in Middle School, I stood up for myself to no end. No one messed with me cause I would tell it to you how it was.
In a way, I'm kind of going back to that.
I will defend myself and I will not be pushed around anymore.
I have self confidence and I will not let people get away with saying stuff.
But, just because I defend myself, even if it means losing my temper, it doesn't mean I hate that person.
I've lost patience with Becca and snapped at her maybe twice. We had an 'argument' once. We almost never have time to talk anymore, either, but it's all good. I would love her even if she said I was a fat cow dressed in a red toupee with bad body odor. Mostly because she would only say that as a joke, and even if she meant it, she must have had a terrible day. :P Point is, sometimes friends say snotty things, but they don't love each other any less.

Being a convert is hard work. Living at home with a family that cracks jokes at your religion's expense is hard. It makes me WORK at it. I wouldn't have it any other way. People who have been raised in the church still have to work hard at it, but it's a different kind of work. They have to work hard to wake up for morning scripture study. They have to work at various callings they've had since twelve. They have to work on numerous talks they've been given. They have to work hard to not feel complacency. That's a lot of work that I'm not jealous of. Converts have to work hard to cut off all ties they have created. We have to go back and tell old friends, "You know, I don't know if I can hang out with you anymore because no matter what, you always push me to do what I don't want to do, which is something that I used to love doing" I stop swearing like a sailor and creating bad jokes and people start to judge me saying that this religion is making me someone I'm not. I can't date who I want to anymore, and that kills me the most. I can't get a lip piercing like I always wanted. I can't get a tattoo of a star on my wrist or a music note on my neck like I always wanted. I can't drink with my friends or play truth or dare with them anymore. That was what I was doing with my life and I stopped it. I stopped the ride at the very top of the roller coaster. With every clank of the gears was another 'normal' step in my 'normal' life. It was all very normal for me. But then, after the final clank of the gears, I stopped the ride and backtracked down that roller coaster, gears goring in reverse. I can't say that I've gotten on another roller coaster completely, because from time to time I get back on that roller coaster that I equate to be the roller coaster of my pre-Mormon life. If I had been born Mormon, I would have been on that roller coaster and the ride would have been going so smoothly. But, in my opinion, it is a bigger and harder move to stop that roller coaster. Yelling down to the operator of the ride and saying "Hey, Jesus, can you stop this Mormon ride? I think I want to go over to the roller coaster that Cat just got off of." Cat's ride is broken and not safe. Sometimes I look over at that old ride and say, "Why did I give it up? I miss me." But then I look at the ride I'm on and I say, "I love who I am becoming and I am still as me as I could ever be. I'm still terribly sarcastic, passionate, and wrong about most things. I have the best friend I always wanted, the one who completes every thought, and I have gained more self knowledge, worth and education on this ride than I could ever dream of on that old ride." Yes. I have to do things from scratch around here, especially when I'm living at home, but I couldn't dream of having it any other way.

134.

Rest in Peace, Matt Laughton. October 21, 2009. I passed you on my way home, that is, I pulled over for the ambulance. Someone in front of me didn't pull over for the ambulance. I almost went road rage on his behind for not caring enough and not showing respect for EMS. My mom knew you better than I did. She says you were a sweet boy and you held many good conversations with her when she substitute taught back in the day. I imagine you would have been seeing her again soon to get your license. You were sixteen. I knew your brother, that is, your brother annoyed me. He annoyed me especially when I had gym class. Kickball was a terror if he wasn't on my team. He sure could leave bruises with that kickball. He annoyed me because he was offensive and obtrusive. Robert was the one who graduated at age 20. General classes, kicked out of them every day and skipped those classes to go to gym. But I can't judge him for that. I doubt he knows my name. It took me a few minutes to remember his last name to make the connection between you and Robert. But, when I look at your Myspace profile, I see how much you cared about your brother and looked up to him.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the world we were born into. I'm sorry for people who make mistakes and leave people behind forever changed. I'm sorry that this person thought he was sober enough to drive.

I know that if you were only mildly hurt I would say something more critical. Maybe I'd say something about how someone shouldn't be out on a bike at 8pm when the sun is long gone. Or, where was your helmet? But, lets be realistic, right? I mean, for crying out loud, you were a kid and no one deserves what just happened.

Life is short. Don't be afraid of it.


Matt, Matt's family, Matt's friends and intoxicated driver, I'm praying for you. I'm praying for you all.

133

I have had this blog since half way through my senior year in high school thanks to Senora. She made me get it. I've had this for almost two years then. That's the longest commitment I've ever had. :P Just kidding.

So anyway,

I got a new blog on a new blogsite. Wordpress. It's rather complex of a site, but I like it. It's clean looking and getting easier to manage. Of course, it IS 3am and it's hard for me to read anything on this computer screen, but nonetheless... I have found ONE flaw, and that is that I can't follow anyone's blogs, so I'll be using THIS blog to follow and stalk you, but most likely will be commenting from my WP blog. And if ya'll have blogger, you can still follow and comment on my blog. Just follow it like you would any other blog.

http://eyestosunrise.wordpress.com/