I can't believe I have so many posts. Not as many as in my Tumblr, but my Tumblr is like, stream of consciousness.
I am at a sort of cross roads right now where I don't know exactly which way is up.
I am transferring back home for possibly the Fall. Hopefully by then I'll have transferred. And by transferring for the fall, I mean, I'm coming home right now and hoping to be in school by the fall.
This place just isn't me. No offense to anyone. I can't put it in words how this place hurts me.
I have great friends here and a few good ones. Ya'll know who you are, and I'm so grateful for the few precious people here that I will miss terribly.
But I miss my home, my friends, my family, my kitty, my trees, landscape, ocean, rivers, rain, humidity, garage space, job, and the lack of judging or dirty looks.
Dirty looks?
Yeah, I collect them here.
The, "Oh my heck, her hair looks ridiculous!" or the
"Seriously, is she going to wear that ?"
Or, my favorite look, "Oh gosh, she is... fat... she should like, work out or something."
Ok, ok, not everyone is like that here, but have you tried to be obese and date a guy in Rexburg?
They're all so skinny and some gel their hair and most all worry about their physique wayy too much.
And yes, I can tell what you're thinking when you give me a dirty look. I've seen most all of your dirty looks.
I can figure it out. Thankss.
I miss you and love you, too.
If there is something I have figured out, it is that I am who I am and I will be who I was made to be. For almost three years I have listened to my head and not my heart, which is why I have ended up in so much trouble in a few err, areas. I was trying to prove to myself that I could be who I 'ought' to be. But who I 'ought' to be is not who I am. Boundaries and rules are good for some people who need them, but I know not to do wrong, be a bad person or anything of that sort. I have a HUGE conscious which is why it's taken me three years to get to this point in my life. Some will say I am less blessed for this decision, but that is what you think. You don't know me or my situation. In fact, this situation may just be the best blessing yet. I feel as though I can go and be what I want to be in life, career wise. I'm not terrified of failing anymore. I've failed already, I know what it feels like and I know I have to work twice as hard to redeem myself. I don't regret a single moment of my life; I have learned so much about me and life and how things work. I have had experiences I never thought I would have and gained knowledge I never knew I would need. Many life lessons have been learned. I hope I don't lose any friendships because I love you very much. Oh so very very much. Especially Asher. You have been my rock of sanity this last year or so. I just want you to understand that I don't feel like myself. I feel fake. I don't like that feeling at all. I know that this course of life that I chose for the last three years is perfect for some and I know that you feel that it leads to redemption in the post-mortal existence, and I hope that that is true for ya'll. But I know that I have to be happy with my mortal life and every decision that I make in this life. If that doesn't lead to a happy post-existence, then I at least had a happy existence, and for that much I'll be grateful.
I can't wait to see you again.
I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone, that was never my intention. I am so blessed to have been able to know all of you. I hope that you can be understanding of my decision and not look down upon me for my choices. It's nothing permanent -- not a whole lot is in my life. But it's a chance to take a break, regather my thoughts, feelings, emotions and see where I feel best about myself in my life.
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