135.

I lost my temper. I'm not saying it's okay, but I'm not saying it's not okay.
I'm human and I can only be pushed so far.
But I do have to  say that friends lose patience with friends sometimes.
Sometimes friends say snotty things, so I respond back.
Old habits die hard.
I was pretty good with my temper through high school.
I was the 'nice one' who didn't get mad at all.
It was hard, yes, and people took advantage of me.
I lost my self worth.
You see, in Middle School, I stood up for myself to no end. No one messed with me cause I would tell it to you how it was.
In a way, I'm kind of going back to that.
I will defend myself and I will not be pushed around anymore.
I have self confidence and I will not let people get away with saying stuff.
But, just because I defend myself, even if it means losing my temper, it doesn't mean I hate that person.
I've lost patience with Becca and snapped at her maybe twice. We had an 'argument' once. We almost never have time to talk anymore, either, but it's all good. I would love her even if she said I was a fat cow dressed in a red toupee with bad body odor. Mostly because she would only say that as a joke, and even if she meant it, she must have had a terrible day. :P Point is, sometimes friends say snotty things, but they don't love each other any less.

Being a convert is hard work. Living at home with a family that cracks jokes at your religion's expense is hard. It makes me WORK at it. I wouldn't have it any other way. People who have been raised in the church still have to work hard at it, but it's a different kind of work. They have to work hard to wake up for morning scripture study. They have to work at various callings they've had since twelve. They have to work on numerous talks they've been given. They have to work hard to not feel complacency. That's a lot of work that I'm not jealous of. Converts have to work hard to cut off all ties they have created. We have to go back and tell old friends, "You know, I don't know if I can hang out with you anymore because no matter what, you always push me to do what I don't want to do, which is something that I used to love doing" I stop swearing like a sailor and creating bad jokes and people start to judge me saying that this religion is making me someone I'm not. I can't date who I want to anymore, and that kills me the most. I can't get a lip piercing like I always wanted. I can't get a tattoo of a star on my wrist or a music note on my neck like I always wanted. I can't drink with my friends or play truth or dare with them anymore. That was what I was doing with my life and I stopped it. I stopped the ride at the very top of the roller coaster. With every clank of the gears was another 'normal' step in my 'normal' life. It was all very normal for me. But then, after the final clank of the gears, I stopped the ride and backtracked down that roller coaster, gears goring in reverse. I can't say that I've gotten on another roller coaster completely, because from time to time I get back on that roller coaster that I equate to be the roller coaster of my pre-Mormon life. If I had been born Mormon, I would have been on that roller coaster and the ride would have been going so smoothly. But, in my opinion, it is a bigger and harder move to stop that roller coaster. Yelling down to the operator of the ride and saying "Hey, Jesus, can you stop this Mormon ride? I think I want to go over to the roller coaster that Cat just got off of." Cat's ride is broken and not safe. Sometimes I look over at that old ride and say, "Why did I give it up? I miss me." But then I look at the ride I'm on and I say, "I love who I am becoming and I am still as me as I could ever be. I'm still terribly sarcastic, passionate, and wrong about most things. I have the best friend I always wanted, the one who completes every thought, and I have gained more self knowledge, worth and education on this ride than I could ever dream of on that old ride." Yes. I have to do things from scratch around here, especially when I'm living at home, but I couldn't dream of having it any other way.