Adrenaline

I love snow storms and the fact that we've gotten 20 inches in about three days. This is on top of the ice storm we had maybe two weeks ago? This winter is off to a marvelous start. But what I love the most about snow storms is driving in the snow. However, the whole preparing to go out in the snow is not the most spectacular part. Brushing off the car, warming up the car, shoveling out the car. Not my favorite thing to do. And if you ever get to be passenger to my snow-driving, you'd insist that I despise driving in the snow. I yell at slow drivers doing 15 miles an hour. I yell at my car for fish-tailing so easily. I just yell. I love going fast in the snow. And by fast I completely mean 40 miles an hour. I love it when the roads aren't plowed. I LOVE fish-tailing when I plan to fish-tail. I love the thrill of knowing I am in control of a car in crazy conditions. I also, oddly enough, love knowing that one bad move could land me in a ditch, or maybe even worse. But where is the fun if there is no danger? Love means so much more if you know that it could end at any time. Life means so much more if you know it could end at any time. Why bother surviving when you could be living? Living doesn't mean living life with constant stupidity, just, take a chance, do something no one would expect of you. Live. Dream. Believe.

Live always.
Dream always.
Believe always.

Monty Pythonnn!

So, let me just say, I'm going to freakin' miss Bex [thesex] like, you have NO idea. She is the voice in the back of my head; my voice of reason.. and it's pretty flippin' weird sometimes. Like, I'll ask questions that aren't mine just because I know she has that question... yep. Strange. She's mah soul sistah.

Haha, went shopping with Ashlee todayyy.
I feel so bad for that girl. She seriously gets scarred for life every time she is around Becca and I. Becca and I... we have no conversation boundaries... and Ashlee.... she hears all that Bex and I talk about. HAHA. Probably way more than she ever wanted to know. So, Ashleeee, this is our apology. :P






And again,
NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETLY DIFFERENT!

lolerskates, roflcopter

I love reading old posts;
it makes me realize how pathetic I can be.
And, it makes me realize that I care too much...
about stupid idiotic boys who always try to wreak crazy havoc.
I think I'm going to start caring less. :P

EDIT:
I'm done caring about guys who are ridiculous.
Like, the ones who are so demeaning.. the ones who go "you have a HUUUGE zit forming" then the next day go "what are you going to do with that zit of yours?!" then the day after that say "you know, I'd get rid of that if I were you.."

Do you have any idea what its like to have a guy who says "will you please remove your makeup? I can't stand it!" and when you do, he goes "oh, THERE'S CAT, I was wondering where she was! She is so beautiful without the makeup."

And now for something completely different:
[this is why I love potatoes so much]

Revenge of sense?

Is this your revenge?!
Slander?
Make my future family to say:
"Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?"
[Pride and Prejudice]



You're insufferable.

antidisestablishmentarianism

DISCLAIMERS:
If you haven't read ALL the Twilight books and care to, there may be a chance that this may contain some spoilers, consider yourself warned.

If you are an avid fangirl of Twilight, some material may not be appropriate and may be terribly offensive. Such claims are not mine. Credit is given where credit is deserved.





I find those who obsess amusing. They devote their lives to something so pitiful.
Its ONE thing to obsess over a series of books, but its another thing to obsess over your HATRED of a book series.

If you don't like it, don't bother.

Nope, not good enough for some people. They have to openly join facebook groups to BASH authors and their work. Then they persist on bashing the characters created..

patheticccc

Examples? I am abounding in examples.


The Pro-Twilight obsessions are some of my faves.
Lets start with: www. hisgoldeneyes. com... yes.
Okay, so its NOT that shabby. There's a section devoted to blood drives, something Carlisle would be proud of, allegedly.

Someone from Venezuela wrote on a Bella fanpage: "I love you Bella!!
Bite me now!" and there are many other shouts of love, which just amuse me.


Of higher content are the ANTI Twilight pages.
On one anti-Twilight page, they are really grasping for reasons and blowing things WAYY out of proportion when they wrote this:

"For all that despise that creepy controlling vampire by the name of Edward Cullen or just Twilight in general.

Edward:

1. I will creepily watch Bella as she sleeps and eats cause that's what ALL the cool kids do....

2. I control my Bella and don't let her do what she wants...even though she is pathetically stupid. Oh, was "my Bella" possessively sexist? Yes. Because it's in the book folks, no denying it.

3. SHE CAN'T SEE HER BEST FRIEND CAUSE I IS JEALOUS

4. I'm extremely handsome. And the terms "marble cold body and melting topaz eyes" haven't been used enough.

5. We talk about the most boring shit, like me killing her. And then me asking her out. And then me warning her. But then asking her out again.

6. I like Bella because of: ...her smell and..and..yea there isn't anything else is there?

7. Left Bella and made her depressed for like half the book. Who even wants to read about that?

8. Be more of a serious sally please.

9. I'M AN OLD MAN PREYING ON A YOUNG GIRL
Oh wait what? Definition? Pedophile. There we go.
_______________________________

Bella:

1. ZOMG MI FAVURITE CULOR IZ TEH BROWNZ CUZ ITS BORINGS LYKE ME

2. I hate my dad even though he lovingly sacrificed his daily life to let in a pubescent, hormonal, moody teenage girl.

3. Everyone wants to be friends with me but I don't want to be friends with them cause I like wallowing in my own sadness

4. I do exactly the opposite of everything I'm told to do cause I know that way I'll almost die and Edward will have to come save me... again.

5. I trip on everything cause I know it makes teh boyz like me

6. I get mad at the boy who almost killed me when he tries to apologize

7. I think Renesmee is a good name

8. I think Renesmee is a pronouncable name

9. I likez the sex

10. I made out with my daughter's boyfriend... won't THAT be an interesting bedtime story

11. I have no appreciation for sex jokes.

12. I think its sexy when boys tell me they want to kill me

Twilight sucks. Times infinity.
Please feel free to add more reasons to the list.
______________________________
TWILIGHT AND THE VALUES IT TEACHES:

1. Controlling boyfriends are okay, if they are hot.
2. True love can be defined through hot boys and great smelling chicks.
3. Making boys save you from all your problems is the right path to becoming a good and independent individual.
4. Girls are all weak and need boys to come save them.
5. Give up all of your dreams and goals (even if that DOES mean reading Wuthering Heights over and over) for a boy.
6. Be mean to your dad.
7. The Chief of Police is stupid and won’t be able to tell you are sneaking a boy into your room. So do it.
8. Women are meant to be in the kitchen, because cooking it the only thing Bella knows how to do.
9. Making out with your daughter’s bf is okay.
10. Making out with someone else when you are engaged is also okay.
11. Name your child Renesme and you won’t regret it.
12. Refuse to have any friends at school because they aren’t good enough for you anyway.
13. Killing yourself is okay, as long as it's in the name of love.
14. Date Edward Cullen. And then you too can marry him and have a crazy half-vampire kid that doesn't exist. "

Also on that page:
Lovely Torie Jee

The Twilight Series: Edward Cullen is a shitty character that has absolutely no flaws whatsoever. That, my friend, is called shitty writing. Jacob Black is a hairy little weirdo that tries to act all bad-ass and Bella is a shallow, dim-witted girl whose entire world revolves around boys. She so called "loves" Edward for no other reason than he's hot. Oh wow, she smells like "strawberries" and "freesia" and he's afraid to hurt her cause he's a vampire! Boo hoo! So what? Is that it? Dear Lord, I dedicated a whole paragraph to my utter hatred for Twilight. Shit. I bet I'm going to be mobbed by a bunch of fangirls now screaming "NO I HATE U I LUV EDWARD CULLEN! I AM MRS. EDWARD CULLEN." Whatever. Go read your precious "Breaking Dawn" book in your corner, you stupid emo girl. Good luck finding your own immortal pretty boy that sparkles in the sunlight like a pansy or have fun searching for a hairy underage wannabe bamf that is all sweaty and disgusting. I hope he sweats all over you. Anyway, whatever you fancy, just go away already. I'm sick of hearing all this acclaim for a shitty book. It's called a plot, Stephenie Meyers. Maybe you should write one. "
[http://www. facebook. com/group. php?gid=68651885456&ref=nf]

There is such a thing as an opinion and the freedom to express it, but for pete's sake people, there is a difference between bashing and stating an opinion.

And, someone even went so far in his hate-dom of the series to re-write Breaking Dawn as he saw it. http://breakingdawnparody. blogspot. com/

Although it is freakin' hilarious.


ME? Oh, I love the series. I love how intertwined the plot is, although, the end of the series is, of course, a semi let down, as most series enders are [allusion to Harry Potter]. As for the claims of Edward's obsessiveness and controlling nature, think merely of the time he was brought up in and think also of how forgiving he is of this nature and allows Bella to do as she pleases, even when she is keeping secrets from him [Breaking Dawn, J Jenks] and he cared enough about her and TRUSTED her enough to not pry.

Anyway, that was my rant about how stupid it is to obsess over negative things, which is a waste of time. Don't bash authors. If you feel you could write a better book, don't waste your time tearing other author's works apart, write your own damn book.










---------------------------------------------------------------------




On a different note:
I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life,
career-wise that is,
and I know I want to do something involving English,
sobeit writing, editing, reading, teaching, etc,
ANYTHING to do with the language.
Maybe I could teach English as a second language,
if I can master a different language such as Spanish that is.
However, I don't want to do some dry boring drab writings where I just drone on and on about something asinine
such as:
National Debt,
Mating rituals of penguins,
How to properly assemble a book shelf,
How to shift a car,
What the square root of Pi REALLY is,
How badly the economy sucks,
My life biography, [unless I just use instances in my life as motivation for a fictional story],
The proper use and function of the abbreviation of "etc." and how ect. is a lame misspelling of the perfect Latin,
How spell check makes us all lazy buffoons, myself including considering I didn't know which vowel to use in that primate's name.
How pathetic this generation TRULY is.

Instead I'd LOVE to write philosophical pieces explaining the different minute idiotic mindsets of human teenagers.
Categorizations of the teenaged primates of America.
How America sucks in comparison to other nations that are as respected as we are without being masochistic morons about it.
How other countries suck in comparison to America.
Why we should flee this country with any dignity we have left before the Stock Market crashes... again,
BECAUSE WE CAN'T LEARN FROM PREVIOUS MISTAKES WE MAKE,
Unless Obama actually does all that he promised,
excluding that whole walking on water business.
I'd like to write one coherent fictional book,
a few short stories,
and I would love to reveal truths.
I find myself already doing such when popular myths and conspiracies are posted on Myspace and such by finding the fact in it all and posting MY version of what is going on.
Not to mention I never miss an opportunity to inform people via Myspace that general society is being immature as exhibited above with my attack on the anti-Twilighters.


Question:
Is it coincidence that ever since Obama was elected President the stock market is doing better?

Answer:
I hope not.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now for something completely different:



Circa May '07
Haha. I met him when he had that beard. =P





July '07
Youth Conference. Its when we got to know each other a smidge better.



June '08
Senior Banquet.
I look terrible in this picture, but I love it nonetheless,
because, mostly, it shows how seriously he takes me,
how seriously I WANT to be taken.
I'm young, and I don't necissarily want to take everything seriously.
I'm carefree.
He said "take a picture of us!" I, not fond of cameras, grimaced but acquiesced, turned my camera away from my gorgeous friends for a moment and stared down the lens of my camera. When I began to press down the button he turned his head away from the camera and began to tell me he loved me. Thats what it takes for me to smile unabashed in a picture.
A picture says a thousand words, but I have one thousand more to say on top of that.


He and I have changed so much over the last year. We're best friends and that will never change,
but I feel we are so much more.
Inseperable even.
A part of me is away from me.. Miles and miles away. Days away.
I spent so long trying to fill a void before the void was completely created,
but I realized that only one person could fix that void...
the one who created it.
As Bella-esque that sounds, its the plain and simple truth.




I know that I've made some mistakes and that I've screwed up a whole lot of things...
but is it too late to say 'sorry'?
Because I am;
I am sorry.



-------------------------------------------------------------




"this is how liberty dies;
with thunderous applause"
-Padme; Star Wars ep. III

One Star

Like winter in July.

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ by Ralph Waldo Emerson


I have found men who didn't know how to kiss.
I've always found time to teach them.
~ by Mae West ~




She lives only in winter
Even under summer’s sun
She’s just re-living moments
When she thought he was the one
-Author unknown


When love comes so strong there's no right or wrong.
Your love is your life.
[West Side Story]


"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.
She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone
On the fore-finger of an alderman,
Drawn with a team of little atomies
Over men’s noses as they lie asleep;
Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut
Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,
Time out o’ mind the fairies’ coachmakers.
Her wagon-spokes made of long spinners’ legs,
The cover of the wings of grasshoppers,
The traces of the smallest spider’s web,
The collars of the moonshine’s watery beams,
Her whip of cricket’s bone, the lash of film,
Her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat,
Not so big as a round little worm
Prick’d from the lazy finger of a maid;
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of love;
O’er courtiers’ knees, that dream on court’sies straight,
O’er lawyers’ fingers, who straight dream on fees,
O’er ladies ‘ lips, who straight on kisses dream,
Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues,
Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are:
Sometime she gallops o’er a courtier’s nose,
And then dreams he of smelling out a suit;
And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig’s tail
Tickling a parson’s nose as a’ lies asleep,
Then dreams, he of another benefice:
Sometime she driveth o’er a soldier’s neck,
And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,
Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,
Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon
Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,
And being thus frighted swears a prayer or two
And sleeps again. This is that very Mab
That plaits the manes of horses in the night,
And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,
Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:
This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,
That presses them and learns them first to bear,
Making them women of good carriage:
This is she—"
[Mercutio, Romeo + Juliet, William Shakespeare]


Get outta this place while we still have time.


My life feels like this:

put me back together?


Is this my blog on love or life?
Or is it both?
I don't know where I am standing any more.
So, I'm waiting...
putting together my puzzle;
figuring things out.

But, I take comfort in the fact that if I stand absolutely, positively still...
I can watch the stars move.

Where ever you are,
where ever I am,
the stars still spell our our names.

Lyfe lyke whoa.

So, this feeling of life just hurtling forward at you? Yes, I'm familiar. Trying to align my upcoming life at college by getting my loans organized, my plane ticket found and yadda yadda yadda. Very stressful.



Dad just had double bypass surgery. Just got home. Just got strange here.



In other news, politics SUCK AT LIFE.
Palin is a nimrod.
McCain is stupid for choosing her.
Tina Fey makes a better VP than Sarah Palin.

OH and I watched 3940839 repeats from Project Runway and I STILL love Christian.


<3



IK HOUD VAN U! =]

Madina Lake

I'm fully convinced that the author of the lyrics for all Madina Lake songs was:
A. Genius
B. Depressed
C. Having Woman Issues.




And Tom, if you still care at all:

Sometimes I try not to hate myself
For everything I never said
When you were here
And so I'm burning up photographs
Of what was a perfect past
'Cause I'm still here
But I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

It's so hard that I try to bury it
Pretend that you didn't exist
So I can be strong
But I feel sick
And I feel diseased
'Cause everyone abandons me
And I can't move along
'Cause I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

I can not pretend you didn't exist
Misery is just a state of mind
Hiding from the world's no way to live
So I'll convince myself that I'll be fine
I'll be fine
But since I lost you I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference between
Me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt

So I look up to the stars
And wonder out loud
Why everything I had in life
Has fallen from my arms
Can you even hear this song?
I'm screaming at the clouds
Screaming to a galaxy
That never cared at all
That I need you here


I was jealous of her.
I got over it.
Its your turn, babe, cause this is for real.
I need you here;; still.

le amoreeee!

Your kisses are the sweetest things.

You've stolen my heart...

Don't you dare break it boy,

or I'mma make you regret life.

But, I'll tell you one thing:

Wise words.

"And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this
Good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too?"
-Amy Lee-

"Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"
-Jeff Buckley-


"Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars

The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffees never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby, it's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don't loose your head
'Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah"
-Imogen Heap-


"But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by
I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall"
-Ingrid Michaelson-


"I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard and we wonder
To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for
Morning to wake you; it's all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more it's called a funeral
Every occasion oh I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion of one brilliant day funeral"
-Band of Horses-


"she was the one love of my life, and i let her go
and if i look like death today,
then please let her know
i never wanted to do harm to her
i only wanted her to see
the beauty of the world surrounding her
but when she opened up her eyes
it's much too late
our chance has gone
she's with a guy
who takes the price for everything i ever showed her
digging all the fun
because she's older
i fed her with a spoon
i made her mother smile
i helped the kid survive

she was the one love of my life,
she showed me the road
i loved her dog, her steady gaze, the chapter is closed
i always wanted all the best for her
the best thing was to stay away
she grew up and she left the rest of us
and now the understanding's gone"
-Belle and Sebastian-

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever."
-Noah; the Notebook-

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone. "
-Noah; the Notebook-


I love you. From the day I met you I knew I would grow to love you. And I appreciate everything we have gone through. Please know that I will always love you, no matter what happens; I will ALWAYS be here. I would rather us go on as we are, but I know that is entirely impossible for you and I respect your reasons and decision. I respect you. But I could see our lives entwined as one, I really could. I can't see the future, nor do I pretend to, but I could completely imagine our future, and I know you could imagine it, too.
I'll be honest, I don't want to date around, really. Not after what we just had and could possibly have in the future. Frankly, I just don't think there is anyone around here I would like to date, really. But there is always college and that frightens me a bit. The thought of you dating other girls doesn't perturb me all that much, its just the thought of you getting serious with them. That is what makes me queasy the most.

I don't want to be just number sixteen to you.
I want to be more than that in your memory.

I knew what I was getting myself in for this summer.
I knew I'd get attached,
I had NO idea, however, I'd get THIS attached.

♥

I just learned how to paint and I found that I <3 abstracts such as this.
[this is not mine, by the way.]
Abstracts are very emotional but sometimes its so emotional that only you can understand.
Other can relate to an abstract, but when the paints are blending
and when you choose the colors, only you know why you chose that color,
what it represents to you,
why you chose for it to blend,
or why it didn't blend.
Its all symbolic.
The texture, thickness, depth, blending, colors etc..
Its wonderful.


Maybe someday I'll learn to paint other things as well.
I am just a beginner, after all. =]

Snippets :

"And I heard a voice from the Father saying: Yea, the words of my Beloved are true and faithful. He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved."
[2Nephi 31:15]




I know 100 % [my views on Tom] because I'm scared. He was so strong and he fell. He is so far away from everything. Look what happened to him. We were so strong together. I feel like I lost my other half, in a way. My other wheel. I'm afraid I'm next. I almost WAS next. I was living up to be next. I felt like, wow he fell, it must be fate that I too fall. So, I kinda looked for ways to fall. [this all ties into something else that made me stupid tonight]:

My inadequacy. [synonymous in the Cat dictionary of life to: depression, stupidity, emotional problems]. Ask Tom, I have, in the past, had some inadequacy problems. I haven't had a serious bought of depression/inadequacy for a while. But all of a sudden tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of depression. I haven't had that feeling since last November.


He [my father] tells me I did something wrong and we need to have a family meeting about it, but the meeting will be in the far distant future, so until then I have time to think "what did i do wrong?", "what did I screw up this time?" and then I think and think and think about little things I have done that would piss off dad. I left the computer on. I left the hairdryer out. I did this, I didn't do that. I failed this, or the cops finally called dad to report my speeding problem. My room is a mess. I didn't finish my laundry. WHATEVER the case. Its probably this time to do with the fact that I spend so much time doing churchy things and working and not enough time with the family. I have an inky feeling I'm about to get a curfew too. I mean, despite the fact that I try to do well and support myself and be as little of a hindrance on them as possible. I feel guilty if I EAT here. I sleep here and store my items here. I'm EIGHTEEN for crying out loud. I can't just sit here like every other summer and feel myself ROTTING while watching another episode of "Family Matters" or "Full House" or watching Moulin Rouge for the 8th time that week. I'm trying to get out of here. I"m sick and tired of them trying to ground me here. So, the whole Dad thing just TOTALLY added to my inadequacy feelings.

End.

<3

.:.J.F.Y.I.:.

Te Amo

.:.A.M.A.A.:.

I love you.
May thirteen, two thousand eight.
=]

I'm so not tired.

You know that feeling when you're so tired you can't sleep? I live in that feeling. When you're so tired you half sleep and dream things that you think are true, but aren't? So tired you almost say something stupid that could kill EVERYTHING? Maybe not kill, but at least ruin? I live in constant fear of that at night. Honestly, if I wasn't Mormon and I had a drink when tired, I would probably make George Bush sound intelligent.









P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you.

Oh promiscuous.

Yes. We were wed. On Ogunquit beach. It is true. Andrew did preside over this marriage. No, he has no license to wed. And on the shores of Maine we set our love free into the ocean, our love that is like a flower, a sea rose to be specific. Yes, Gabe did have an issue and objected; Andrew pretended not to hear. By the way, this is all fallacy, but the poster was rad. <3



To see a better picture, please refer to this:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3281/2581959681_467f0c3ab5_o.jpg

Love. <3

Love. <3

My love is like my music.
When I know I like a song, I can't get enough of it.
I sing it all the time, whenever inspired, or whenever I can't get it out of my head.
Some songs fade away.
Some songs I forget.
Some songs stay with me, engraved in my heart and soul forever.
Sometimes, when you think you find a song that suits you perfectly,
you find out you are so so terribly wrong.
There is one song that is a part of every fiber of your existence.
You can't get it out of your soul, your heart, your being.
Your one song.





Love. <3

Being on stage, you aren't you.
You can't be embarrassed;
that isn't you.
You are another person.
You don't speak, your character does.
You get to be someone else for a couple of hours.
Leave yourself behind and get wrapped up in someone else's problems.
You get to play faux emotions.
Emotions you've never experienced first hand are played out.
You experience fake life on a stage,
because you aren't you anymore.
<3

Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
[Twilight]





And everything is as it should be.

Change.

YouStutterOften (12:26:20 PM):	I wanna get into an ucky subject between us. Cause I always say to say what you get annoyed about. And when I complain about megan you tell me to tell her why I'm upset.. Well, in my head I've been complaining about you, so I wanna talk to you, lol. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad. =/
Cat Catharsis (12:26:39 PM):	naw. I'd rather you be honest with me.
YouStutterOften (12:26:50 PM):	Kks.
YouStutterOften (12:27:01 PM):	Well, it's basically about the physical stuff between you and mike.
Cat Catharsis (12:27:08 PM):	yes. I knew this was coming.
YouStutterOften (12:27:14 PM):	lol, i thought so.
Cat Catharsis (12:27:17 PM):	lol
YouStutterOften (12:28:23 PM):	Well, I was thinking about it, and I remembered something that Megan said and It struck a nerve. Casue she said the mormon thing was just a phase... And I know that the actual religion isn't, but it's kinda now like you treated then doctrine of the church like it... Liek it only applied if you didn't have a bf.
Cat Catharsis (12:28:57 PM):	I know. And I feel badly about it. Marc Jas and I have been talking about it cuz we're ALL having a falling out of sorts right now.
YouStutterOften (12:29:44 PM):	Ahhh. Good <3>
Cat Catharsis (12:31:43 PM):	mmm. yeah. see. i don't know what to do about that too. cuz I've told Mike I want to slow down, and he would do anything for me, we both know that... but I don't know. its hard once you've gone fast. i know you don't really understand... but I'm trying to find a way to put this all back together. and going away for six months in January will either make Mike and I stronger or tear us apart. And me going off to BYUI will either make me stonger of a Mormon, or it will tear me apart. I think BYUI is going to be the majorrrr deal breaker for me.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:09 PM):	*by you dont understand I mean, you've never had an accelerated relationship
YouStutterOften (12:32:34 PM):	Lol, I knew what you mean. I knew it wasn't the mean kind of "You suck at understanding, shut up."
Cat Catharsis (12:32:48 PM):	LOL. I just wanted to clarify
Cat Catharsis (12:32:50 PM):	:P
YouStutterOften (12:32:54 PM):	lol, kk
YouStutterOften (12:33:08 PM):	What made you do stuff in the first place? lol
YouStutterOften (12:33:16 PM):	Just cause it was available and made ya feel good?
Cat Catharsis (12:33:25 PM):	no. because I wanted to.
YouStutterOften (12:33:28 PM):	[I don't wanna get into details, lol, i was just curious]
Cat Catharsis (12:33:34 PM):	lol
Cat Catharsis (12:37:00 PM):	idk. sometimes you have to fall to figure things out. I don't even KNOW if this is falling, [tho, i know MANY people think it is falling] and maybe this IS a mistake, but I don't know yet. I know that I will LEARN whether or not it is a mistake. Thats what I want most of all. I want to learn. I can't learn from stories. I can try, but stories are only fake emotion. I want real emotion to learn from. Nothing faux. Sometimes people don't need to learn from mistakes, but I think I'm the type of person who does, and so far, I don't feel as though I'm making a mistake. Its all just moving forward in life. I don't regret anything, and even if Mormonism doesn't work for me, which I know it will in the long run, I won't regret a minute of it. I don't regret my baptism by fire, I don't regret moving so fast into the religion. I made a choice, and I live with it. I made a choice with Mike, and I will live with it. I won't hole myself up with my mistakes like some people do or just plow thru my mistakes like they never happened and abuse life like some people do. my name is martin luther king and I just made a semi impressive speech last second. let freedom ring.
YouStutterOften (12:38:02 PM):	LMFAO
YouStutterOften (12:38:04 PM):	<3
Cat Catharsis (12:38:07 PM):	=]
YouStutterOften (12:38:09 PM):	I get what you're saying.
Cat Catharsis (12:38:25 PM):	glad to hear that. i wasn't even sure what I was saying. LOL
Cat Catharsis (12:38:27 PM):	jk.
YouStutterOften (12:38:52 PM):	So, what have you learned so far from this 'situation'? or what ever you wanna call it... lmao. I could tell =P jkkkk
Cat Catharsis (12:39:16 PM):	which 'situation'? me being a bad mormon?
YouStutterOften (12:39:25 PM):	Yeah, I guess, lol
Cat Catharsis (12:41:15 PM):	Hmm. I've learned that I am human and prone to making mistakes, even when I try not to. I've learned that when I am ready I can repent, however, I will not deny the Holy Ghost. If the Holy Ghost kicks me in the buttox I'll do what I feel prompted to do, but I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong. Not yet. And I'm not going to pull a Tom and stop going to church. Not ever. Marc Jas and I discussed how we may suck at following doctrine, but we won't ever stop believing. Marco said that at some point he may become inactive, but he won't ever deny his faith.
YouStutterOften (12:42:33 PM):	Okay. Good. That's basically what I was hoping to hear. Ok. I'm not annoyed or worried or anything anymore, haha.
YouStutterOften (12:42:40 PM):	<3
Cat Catharsis (12:43:16 PM):	LOL. Good. No, don't worry. I'm not going to do what some thought I would do. But HEY, I lasted longer than Christmas! I'm not a Buddist yet!
YouStutterOften (12:43:36 PM):	LMMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YouStutterOften (12:43:39 PM):	<33333333333333
Cat Catharsis (12:45:00 PM):	do you think tom will ever come back to church?
YouStutterOften (12:45:06 PM):	Nope.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:23 PM):	do you think he regrets it all?
YouStutterOften (12:45:28 PM):	Well, when he comes to pull his papaers, I think he might attend the service.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:41 PM):	he IS pulling his papers?
YouStutterOften (12:45:49 PM):	No. I don't think he regrets the church. I think he regrets rushing.
YouStutterOften (12:45:52 PM):	Unlike you =P
YouStutterOften (12:45:57 PM):	Yep.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:58 PM):	haha.
Cat Catharsis (12:46:48 PM):	ugh. i wish he hadn't felt like he needed to keep up with me. i wish he just learned at his own pace. i had 3/4 of the religion covered already from past religious studies. he had........... 1/16th.
Cat Catharsis (12:47:41 PM):	and I feel bad about accusing him of basing our friendship off a lie. the only reason he joined at a fast rate was for friendship.. the only reason I was really friends with him was out of respect that he could take religion so seriously, then we became friends thru church activities and such. now, he is such a different person.
YouStutterOften (12:48:09 PM):	Mmm, but you are, too.
YouStutterOften (12:48:18 PM):	I think that if you hadn't changed so much, WE wouldn't even be so close.
Cat Catharsis (12:48:28 PM):	I know. its weird.
YouStutterOften (12:48:53 PM):	Mmm. But we're growing up... It's kinda really nice, lol

YouStutterOften (12:28:50 AM):	But in his position, you're hypocritical.
Cat Catharsis (12:29:07 AM):	WE'RE BOTH HYPOCRITICAL.
Cat Catharsis (12:29:20 AM):	he can't accuse me of being hypocritical; that's hypocritical!
Cat Catharsis (12:29:24 AM):	ITS A FERKIN CATCH 22
YouStutterOften (12:29:49 AM):	The fact that you see it makes it not matter anymore. He just needs to notice that either way, you're both like that, and he needs to get over it.
Cat Catharsis (12:31:02 AM):	yup. i acknowledged it. I mean. I guess I couldnt really say anything in the first place: i've never been in a relationship. I didn't understand the emotion and passion behind finding someone you like a lot. that doesn't count as an excuse though. I just didn't realize it.
YouStutterOften (12:31:51 AM):	Exactly, lesson learned, time to move on.... But he doesn't get it.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:40 AM):	ugh. why does HE have to be the slow learner :P just kidding. I know we'll get past this. I asked him if he wanted to pull his records, honestly, because its so final, so definite. He said he didn't know. he wants to talk to bishop first.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:46 AM):	idk how that's going to end, honestly.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:53 AM):	hes never OPEN with bishop.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:55 AM):	EVERRR
YouStutterOften (12:33:24 AM):	I don't think he's really open with any one the way that he should be. =[

Change. This is all about change. We've both changed. A lot! You say you miss me? I've been missing you since New Years Eve. That is when I feel as though I lost you.

"My fingertips are holdin' onto the cracks in our foundation,
And I know that I should let go, but I can't."

Sometimes I feel bad for Mike, because I do love you so much. And sometimes I feel bad for Megan, because I know that you love me so much. It feels like I'm not giving Mike everything he deserves. I know you don't like Mike and feel as though he doesn't deserve me, but I feel as though I don't deserve him. Maybe things won't work out. I don't predict the future, but I promise you, he has treated me as best as I would wish to be treated. And as far as me doing better? I don't see that at all. I have no idea how I can do better. I've never had a guy turn his head twice for me. Mike does constantly. He gives me more than the time of day.

This hurts. You think it doesn't for me? Its been hurting. Its been a four month long hurt. It hurt a lot the first few weeks of 2008, but you know me. I let it scar and I look at that scar constantly, metaphorically speaking. I remember how much it hurt when I got that scar and the remembrance makes it hurt again. This scar? It wasn't just a little flesh wound. It wasn't a scratch that bled for a minute then scabbed over. This was a deep wound. It took more than a month for the bleeding to stop. But the scar is made. We both made it. I know that recently it has been my turn to make the wound. I didn't think my pursuit of happiness would affect you so badly. I know your own pursuit of happiness affected me negatively, but I didn't think you'd be so.. so.. ME about this. Maybe that proves how alike we truly are.

You know what pushed me away? Honestly? Well, there are a few factors, some of which I'll publicly display. The way you kept pushing yourself between Mike and I for starters. I really do love the fact that you're trying to protect me, like a brother would, but it seemed like more, like you were jealous. Jealous to a different degree. It kind of frightened me.

Having you say that you accept the relationship means so much to me. It really does.


I know Mike won't like this Blog. He hates the fact that another guy means so much to me. He hates when I talk about him. He hates when I complain about him. He hates when I tell stories involving him. He will hate this blog.

I hate how you're both so jealous. I hate how she hates me in your life. I hate how he hates you in my life. And I hate this emotion.

A meaningful message.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken ho mes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Words are the means to meaning

Every word in life is for your personal interpretation. Thats why words are so dangerous. Words express your point of view, but you must be certain that your point of view is expressed clearly and concisely or else your point of view is turned into someone else's point of view. When your view is turned to someone else's view, your view is obliterated; it is now someone else's view, but they can accuse you of their view of your view. Follow me? Probably not. I'm not expressing my view very well.

Its like the Bible. EVERYONE sees the Bible differently. No one person sees the Bible in the same light. Its personal interpretation. Mayhap God wants us to see Him as we will, because He is all.

Making sense now?

Every word has hundreds of meanings, especially when paired with several other words. Phrases all have different weights, different emotions, and different meanings to every person. When I say that I miss someone, maybe I mean to say "I miss your company" or "I miss who you were" or even "I miss who I used to be around you" or any other amount of things. Only you can really know what you mean until you use thousands of words to get your point across to someone else.

Words are sacred.

skip.a.beat.

For you, my heart beats in 3/4 time,




when its written in 4/4 time.

overwhelminggggg

Wild Olive. <3



El libro de Mormon.

"Don't forget to be true to yourself in hopes of doing what everyone else wants."
-Thomas James-

BK=love

It took about four times to spell "love" correctly. :P

Mozz. sticks - $0.00
Icee- $0.00
Mashed potatoes with who knows what added to it- $0.00

Hearts on wrappers,
numbers with mozz sticks "*wink*"
Tom's crazy concoctions comprising of said potatoes and strawberry cola,
snow ball fights with BK employees,
employees using trays to slide down the play-place slide,
calling John gay, the guy who gave me his number,
hugs that crack your back
and heart-felt apologies.
priceless.

A topic with an excuse of posting pictures.

The most beautiful flower ever is
[in my opinion]
the sunflower.
Even its name brings cheer.

it is just, perfection.

I just imagine me sitting in a garden filled with just,
sunflowers
and I immediately feel better.

;;&&;;

&&;;

You know how pictures can speak a thousand words?
These don't speak enough.

Sometimes it hurts.
It hurts to be your best friend.
Some days I completely can't stand you, then I get home and say to myself,
"gosh, I love that kid."

You never express yourself.
I take wild stabs in the dark to try to figure out what is making you so.. so..
RIDICULOUS.
We're all entitled to our ridiculous days.
Don't abuse your right.
I try to talk to you and you either brush it off with a dreaded:
"whatever",
or you just act like nothing is bothering you.
Best friends means:
no judgement
no second guessing
no hesitation
support
[even when support is futile]
comfort
trust
inside jokes
laughter
memories
no stipulations
hugging unabashedly
talking freely
not being ashamed
and so many other things.

I remember when our friendship was so pure
so raw.
When we spent hours online talking into the early hours
about nothing at all.
We were the living proof that two people could have nothing in common
except their friendship
and still get along perfectly.
But now?
I don't feel trusted.
I feel like I'm just another person to you.
I understand I'm not your top priority person.
That's fine.
I just don't want to be last.

This isn't just about today.
[which was still disrespectful],
its been building up inside of me for a while.
I knew you were going through some stressful situations,
so I didn't press the envelope.
I thought maybe when you were done stressing things would fall back in place.
[Which is why I tried to rush the falling pack in place thing]
[[but its to my understanding that didn't help at all from your POV]].

This phrase we use all the time is getting old.
I'm tired of using it,
as are others...
but:
I miss you...
And I know another who does too.

PS if this is Austin, I still love you.

PPS: funny quote I found that is relative to the subject:

"Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce."

-Voltaire-

9/11: a composition by Cat

I thought I was alone.
I thought I was the only one who always caught the clock
at that terrible time.
Have you ever looked up at the clock
only to see that time on your clock
and it would send a chill down your spine?

For my English class we were told to write a journal entry about a tragic event. He suggested a few and I used 9/11. Here be it:

“A building is a symbol, as is the act of destroying it. Symbols are given power by people. A symbol, in and of itself is powerless, but with enough people behind it, blowing up a building can change the world.” (V for Vendetta, 2005)

September 11, 2001

Today was surreal. I saw the footage, I heard the screams. I heard the fall, but I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t smell the charred air. I couldn’t sense the panic, but I saw it. I could only see the panic, horror and despair in newscasters’ eyes, and I could hear the stress in their high-pitched voices. It takes a significant event to truly make a newscaster nervous. I can only imagine. They have had the duty of reporting many tragic stories, but this? I can’t imagine. The images must still go through their heads late at night when they let their guard down, safe within their warm beds.

I’m telling only what I remember and what emotion I have obtained since the occurrence. I was eleven then, seventeen now. I remember sitting in Mrs. Tarbox’s room studying Egyptology. The next thing I remember is seeing her looking down at the class very seriously. She informed us that something historic and tragic was happening and in short told us that a plane had collided with one of the twin towers in New York City. Perhaps she mentioned the Pentagon, or the stray plane that missed its mark, but that I don’t remember. I just remember hearing “New York City”.

We gathered in the science room, the largest room available to house the entire sixth grade. The teachers, and I presume the administration, felt it was important we see the footage of our nation’s history in action. The live footage was, and still is, worse than any rated ‘R’ movie ever created, because movies are just that: created. This was real. At first I was in shock. I thought it was a prank, a joke, a hoax. April fools. No one could really fly a plane, a huge plane, into a building, filled with people. Things like that just don’t happen. Not ever. I couldn’t wrap my eleven year old mind around it. It didn’t make sense to me then.

Over and over again and again, they showed the plane colliding into the skyscraper. Suddenly I heard the newscaster, a woman as I recall, gasp loudly then exclaim, “Dear God!” In that moment that tower became the first tower. On live TV I watched a second plane hit the second world trade center tower. It became so real so suddenly. I wanted to blink. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t move, speak or think. I’m not even sure I breathed. I was in such a state of shock. “It’s real, it’s real. It’s really real” was all that went through my head along with “I’m never going on an airplane”. Yes, it finally hit me. You can see things in your every day life, but not acknowledge them. It happens quite frequently, but I came to a realization: America had been attacked; America was being attacked; an attack was made on America.

For hours, days, weeks, the footage poured into every television in America, and I’m assured any other television in the world. My family and I watched the telly late into the night knowing we now lived in a changed world. We weren’t the only ones with this cold realization in mind.

Over the years 9/11 has become more and more real. I think of the countless people who tried to preserve human life and humanity that day. To the firefighters who boldly ran in when the masses poured out. To the entire community of firefighters who form the tight-knit bond of brotherhood. To the police forces who tried to keep the general public safe, organized and calm in that terrible time of crisis. To those who had no chance of surviving this tragic event. To those who ran. It’s real. It always was.

As an eleven year old, I tried to imagine myself there on that dreadful day. I imagine I feel the weight of the air and smell the horrid smell of fire that consumed all in its sight. I could feel the panic in the air laced with dread, fear and devastation. I watched as human life poured out of the building, soot and dust smeared all over these professional looking men and women. They scream and they run. They run as far as they can. Everyone around me is running. Running from the scene I can not pull myself away from. There is so much yelling and pandemonium. I hear people screaming names at the building hoping, praying that the person who belongs to that name will come stumbling out of the crumbling building. Those who do escape cry out for those who did not. My adolescent mind wonders how these people could look so terrified, so dirty, so crazed. They look like they barely escaped a war zone.

Only minutes later did I notice that the entire building was being ravished by flames. My imagination portrays my idea of how the scene looked like intertwined with fact. Fact was, it was raining. Many wished it was raining actual drops of water. No. It was not that glorious liquid from the sky. Bodies fell from the heavens. In my mind, I thought they lost their balance. Now I understand that they threw themselves out of the building. I still don’t understand completely. By throwing themselves from the high altitude they were at, did they expect to live, or was death by plummet preferred to death by fire, explosion, suffocation or being crushed? Did they not understand the hazard they made by throwing themselves out windows? I know for a fact several people died from being pelted by a victim. Maybe it was a survival instinct. Maybe I will never know. All I know is that bodies fell from the sky and in my immature mind, made the most sickening “splat” sound I could have ever imagined. I never want to hear that sound anywhere else besides in my imagination. Even then, I don’t believe it is a sound you can fully imagine but I am sure it is a sound you can not forget if it is ever heard.

I imagine the distress of the next day, September 12^th, 2001. The family, friends and general mourners gathered with flowers, pictures and questions. Many questions. I imagine papers fluttering in the breeze, dust and ash from the previous day’s travesties. In my mind I see print outs of loved one’s faces with big bold font asking if anyone has seen that person. In my imagination, I can’t see the physical ground zero. I can imagine the forces there attempting a search and rescue and the shouts of joy when someone is found in the rubble.

This isn’t anything I like to imagine or think about often. It isn’t anything discussed in detail with anyone. It’s almost like a private thought or emotion that almost everyone in America shares and just knowing that is comfort enough. There is no need to bring it up every time you think about it. It’s tucked back into the dark depths of your mind where cobwebs grow over that memory. It’s a subject discussed in schools, or in passing, yes, the facts are discussed briefly, but it proves difficult to identify with the emotions experienced on that day. Where were you when America was attacked?

Hate;

I actually have a subject for this one.
This thought was inspired by church today when we discussed hate. One person said that they don't hate, they just hate with a passion. Is that not the same concept? Passion is defined by www.dictionary.com as "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate." It says it right in there; "hate". So by saying that you "dislike with a passion" its a double form of hate. Its like saying exactly "I dislike you in a powerful, compelling emotion or feeling of hate."

Wow. Huh?

So, the resolve? Don't waste time disliking or hating when you can spend your time wisely by liking and loving. It takes so little energy to like someone, or to love someone. Occasionally, you will come across people who are hard to like, but you just have to look past their faults. Everyone has faults, obviously its just, some people's faults are more on the surface than others. You just have to accept that and move on.