"And I heard a voice from the Father saying: Yea, the words of my Beloved are true and faithful.
He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved."
[2Nephi 31:15]
I know 100 % [my views on Tom] because I'm scared. He was so strong and he fell. He is so far away from everything. Look what happened to him. We were so strong together. I feel like I lost my other half, in a way. My other wheel. I'm afraid I'm next. I almost WAS next. I was living up to be next. I felt like, wow he fell, it must be fate that I too fall. So, I kinda
looked for ways to fall. [this all ties into something else that made me stupid tonight]:
My inadequacy. [synonymous in the Cat dictionary of life to: depression, stupidity, emotional problems]. Ask Tom, I have, in the past, had some inadequacy problems. I haven't had a serious bought of depression/inadequacy for a while. But all of a sudden tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of depression. I haven't had that feeling since last November.
He [my father] tells me I did something wrong and we need to have a family meeting about it, but the meeting will be in the far distant future, so until then I have time to think "what did i do wrong?", "what did I screw up this time?" and then I think and think and think about little things I have done that would piss off dad. I left the computer on. I left the hairdryer out. I did this, I didn't do that. I failed this, or the cops finally called dad to report my speeding problem. My room is a mess. I didn't finish my laundry. WHATEVER the case. Its probably this time to do with the fact that I spend so much time doing churchy things and working and not enough time with the family. I have an inky feeling I'm about to get a curfew too. I mean, despite the fact that I try to do well and support myself and be as little of a hindrance on them as possible. I feel guilty if I EAT here. I sleep here and store my items here. I'm EIGHTEEN for crying out loud. I can't just sit here like every other summer and feel myself ROTTING while watching another episode of "Family Matters" or "Full House" or watching Moulin Rouge for the 8th time that week. I'm trying to get out of here. I"m sick and tired of them trying to ground me here. So, the whole Dad thing just TOTALLY added to my inadequacy feelings.
End.
