142.

So last night I watched a movie that is probably not kosher for a young Mormon girl to watch, but I did it because I always feel rebellious against little things like this. I think it was rated R if it was rated at all. I read the reviews and all gave praise to this movie. Okay, Cat, what movie was it? It is called "Latter Days." Well, that's nice, but what is it about? Well, this is where things get difficult. It's about this young missionary who goes from the Missionary Training Center to LA. He looks like your typical greenie -- confident in his religion but scared out of his mind to be away from home and having to confront strangers about his less than typical lifestyle. Being that he is living in LA, he obviously lives close to his neighbor -- a pretty boy homosexual who is confident in his own conversion skills. Aaron, the missionary, and Christian, the pretty boy, obviously bump into each other and Christian tells his friends with whom he works with that he can get one of those Mormons into his bed. His friends take the bet and Christian's proof has to be Mormon underwear, (they hear that it glitters). Aaron and Christian meet in the laundry room that they apparently have to share with the public. Christian arranges for a discussion. Aaron is pumped for his first discussion. Too bad his companion is a jerk. Aaron gave the first discussion about Joseph Smith's first vision to Christian and Christian's friend, Julia. Julia asks about the church's views on blacks. Aaron gives a succinct and true answer about how blacks were allowed the priesthood beginning in 1978. Then Julia asks about the priesthood and how that pertains to women. Aaron's companion takes that question and says that while only men get the priesthood, women have the holy calling of being mothers, wives and care-takers. So, of course, Christian has to ask about the Church's views on homosexuality. This is where Aaron's companion bombs the test. "God hates fags! Burn in hell you stupid homosexual!" Flunker of a companion. Later the companion tells Aaron that the only reason he is on his mission is because his girlfriend wouldn't marry him unless he went. He also can't wait to "bang" her, he says. He is basically the worst missionary I have ever seen in my life. ANYWAY, I digress. Aaron and pretty boy Christian begin to fall for each other to the point where Christian goes all or nothing ignoring the bet. Aaron's companion got in a bike accident and so Aaron arrives home before the other elders do and he is really shaken up. Christian sees this and goes to comfort Aaron. When the other elders walk in, the two are kissing. Aaron's companion shouts out, "Oh, great, pretty boy isn't the only fag around here!" Christian doesn't get how big of a deal this situation is and says that it's not a big deal; nothing happened. "Nothing happened? You two were macking like two little school girls!" Aaron confirms that it's a big deal by kicking Christian out. Aaron is quickly shipped home: sent home in "shame". Christian comes knocking at the missionaries home to be greeted by Aaron's ex companion. Said ex tells Christian that Aaron was really into the church, loved it, knew it etc, and that he was now losing everything. Christian hurts for Aaron -- he can't bear to think that Aaron lost all that he cared about because of him. So Christian learns that Aaron, on his way to Pocatello, Idaho, his home, has a five hour layover in Salt Lake City. Christian jumps the next plane to find him. He finds Aaron, they talk, they basically figure out that they love each other and erm, spend a night at a hotel. Christian wakes up to find Aaron gone. Aaron's parents bring him home. His mother won't look at him and his father, the stake president, won't come home until late into the evening. Aaron goes to his disciplinary council, which his father is head of, and his father gives the verdict: Aaron is to be excommunicated. "I am so deeply shamed," says his father, "that you were connived into becoming homosexual." Later, Aaron confronts his mom. "Mom... mom..." "What, Aaron?" she responds, not looking up from her chore. "I wanted to see if you could bring yourself to look at your son." He adds, "What if it isn't what I did, but it's who I am?" His mother slaps him across the face and says, "Heavenly Father could maybe forgive what you did, but He could never forgive who you are." Aaron realizes the gravity of the whole situation, goes upstairs and slits his wrists open. Meanwhile, back in LA, Christian can't get Aaron out of his head. He goes through the online  directory and calls every Davies in Pocatello trying to find Aaron. Finally, he gets a hold of Aaron's mother. She informs him rather curtly that because of him, she no longer has a son. No, he isn't dead, he is in a facility receiving "therapy" to make him straight. The therapy? Cold baths, shock therapy and discipline. Christian shows up at Aaron's house to return something that Aaron left behind. Aaron's mother opens the door. She mistakes him as one of the elders Aaron served with, "I can just tell, you have that look about you." When she finds out it is Christian, the boy who 'destroyed' her son, she is appalled. He doesn't have horns and a tail, no, he is human. He returns to LA and so does Aaron after busting out of that therapy place. He knocks on Christian's door only to have some half dressed man to answer it. Discouraged that he was only a fling, he goes to a restaurant owned by a woman he met while on his mission. She comforts him and offers him whiskey. He keeps to the Word of Wisdom by opting for a Coke. Suddenly you hear a clatter of dishes and lo and behold, there is Christian, the waiter. They embrace and live happily ever after.

So, why am I sharing this? Despite the swears from the movie and the content, I really needed to see it. Why on earth would I need to see this movie that goes so against the church? Well, it showed me what people outside of the church see. I never really saw the set backs, the rules, the constrictions. Yes, I know what they are, but it isn't a limitation to me. I see why people wouldn't immediately want to jump on board. The worst thing I have had to try to explain is why I don't work Sundays. One girl was really inconvenienced by that and another guy respected me for it. He said that it is good to see that someone still observes that age old commandment. I don't know what I would say if someone asked me about homosexuals. How do I explain it in a way that isn't negative? I certainly won't handle it the way that Aaron's companion did. That is just way out of line. Also, it made me think about how not everyone is happy in the church. The church isn't for everyone, even if everyone was made for the church. It just doesn't always work out like that. It would be too perfect if every person just said, "Yes, sign me up Scottie. This sounds marvelous!" But yet, we can't JUDGE them. They make their own choices, even if it WAS to leave the church. Only I can know if I am right. I can't account for everyone's righteousness. They have their on beliefs and thoughts that need to be respected.
This movie increased my testimony about the church. Just the church, though. People can be so WRONG. The things that were said at Aaron's disciplinary council were TERRIBLE. I can't imagine if anyone said it to me. The things that Aaron's companion said and did were awful. The way Aaron's parents treated him was terrifying. I realize that this movie was the worst case scenario of people and their prejudices, but I know that this kind of thing happens. It has happened to people I know. People leave the church because of people's wrong actions. Now, I'm not saying that I know what being a "right" person is, but I imagine a whole lot more loving going on than what happened in the movie.
Judging based on wrongdoings like that is terrible. Saying what Heavenly Father won't do is ridiculous. How can you know what Heavenly Father will or will not do? You can't know. He is more powerful and more loving than you. That should go without saying. So telling a son that Heavenly Father won't forgive you for being gay? I mean, sure, it's better to not be gay, to not turn away from your upbringing, but if I were treated like scum by my entire family, glared at by church members and told that I was a disgrace to the church, I'd probably leave too. But this HAPPENS. Many people who experience Same Sex Attraction (SSA) in the church find themselves quickly turning about face to the gospel after being shunned instead of welcomed. A person who has SSA needs a smile, a hand and a friend, not a cold gaze, folded arms and a boot. I don't understand why Latter Day Saints can be so quick to judge, scorn and ridicule. Not all LDS members are like that, obviously, I just wish more members were empathetic, understanding and loving.

I'm so thankful for the gospel, my ability to read, understand and interpret it. I pray that I can be slow to judge and quick to love, always. I pray to always remember that poor choices do not make a poor person. I pray to always choose the right, even if others disagree as to whether or not it is right. Abide with me?

141

Awkward/bad things:
1. I had a customer call me "Kitty" today.
2. I didn't put any money into savings this week.
3. I can't sleep (ever) and am contemplating a doctors appointment about it.
4. My manager from Lowe's left. :[ That guys is amazing. 

Amazing things:
1. I don't know if this is 'amazing', but I wicked miss my old roomie, and I guess that just shows how much I think she is amazing.
2. I love my job at Lowe's. Yep yep. Still do. Almost three months solid. Now that, my friends, is a first.
3. I'mma sing a song with Asherrr! :D
4. Bex comes home in less than a monthhh! :D
5. I bought a new straightening iron and it is the love of my life. Second to my new sneakers. And well, maybe my future husband. But, we'll see. He has some competition with a pink generic chi.
6. I am actually vaguely tired. Like, a hint of tired at midnight. So I'm going to see if I can take advantage of that and get rid of my baggy dark under eye circles that has people wondering about my living situation. Haha.

I love my friendssss. :]

140.

Awee, I love my best friend. I miss her too! Korea <3 :D

Today I worked my Kohl's job and it wasn't that bad. Last time I worked at Kohl's last week it was okay. I wasn't extremely excited about it though. But today everyone was being super amazing. Even the office ladies were being chill with me, which, they never were. We were just sitting there cracking jokes after I got out of work and talking about bills and banks. YES. I had something to even contribute to that conversation because, I have A bill. And I have other expenses, obviously. And now I have opinions of different banks. So, we were able to have a good conversation, which I loved. Then, Skinner, Lordy knows what his real name is, came in, and he's unique. Gosh, oh, I love the kid, he's hilarious, but he isn't the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. Well, he's okay with it, he knows that as well as the next person. So, we were joshing him and he said something about how his mother is a "really smart woman." Then he further added to that statement by saying, "and so is my father." Lickety split before I could stop myself, I said, "Your father is a smart woman, eh?" Oh, the office ladies almost swallowed their suckers whole, and it was a tootsie pop, not a dum dum they almost gagged on. Oh they were roaring with laughter. Don't worry, Skinner was laughing too. He knows I like him.

Black Friday is going to be something else, I tell you. Both Lowe's and Kohl's require my service. So, I'm going to start my morning at 4am at Kohl's. I'll work there until 10:30, then I work Lowe's 11-6 I think. So, it'll be a good 14 hour day for me. Then I will go home and collapse until Saturday when I most likely have to do it again. But it'll pay off in the long run.

Gotta go, gotta fly.

137.

This was a draft I never posted, hence my random numbering problem.

Bex, you didn't miss anything, I did. :P

139.

I went to dismiss my sister from school today. Just a "I feel like plucking her from the hell called High School" feeling. Well, the office ladies informed me that I'm not authorized to do that. What? Not only am I listed as an emergency contact for my sister, but I am 19 and considered an adult by society. I can get a credit card but not my sister? So, I asked what my options were. Well, I can call my mom and ask for her permission to remove Christina from class. How do they know I am calling my mother and not a pizza place? I could call my home phone and pretend to have this conversation with my 'mother' and remove my sister that way. Apparently, you have to be 25 to dismiss any child from school. UNLESS you're under the age of 25 and the child you're trying to dismiss is YOUR child. Yes my friends, there is a clause in school policies that allow you to dismiss your child from school even if you are not yet 25. But as for me? I can't take my sister out of school because, alas, I am not 25. The office lady also informed me that 19 is just a number. As opposed to 25? I wanted to ask. Oh no, being 25 validates you. I can fight a war, bear arms, buy cigarettes, play lotto, ruin my credit, take out student loans, be arrested as an adult, but I can't remove my sister from school.

Oh society.

138.

You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts. -Kahil Gibran
This is my new motto because it is so very true.

And also, on that thought, I am going to go write the book I started while at school and write in my journal.

Oh, the life.