Forgiveness

Amish school shooting.

Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships:

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.

Forgiveness comes more readily when, like the Amish, we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”

All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.”

President Brigham Young offered this profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said: “Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.”

If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes “that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.”

In our day the Lord has admonished us, “Ye ought to forgive one another,” and then makes it requisite when He says, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.” For the Amish, it was already there because “forgiveness is a ‘heartfelt’ component of [their] religion.” Their example of forgiveness is a sublime expression of Christian love.

Here in Salt Lake City in 1985, Bishop Steven Christensen, through no fault of his own, was cruelly and senselessly killed by a bomb intended to take his life. He was the son of Mac and Joan Christensen, the husband of Terri, and the father of four children. With his parents’ consent, I share what they learned from this experience. After this terrible deed, the news media followed members of the Christensen family around relentlessly. On one occasion this media intrusion offended one of the family members to the point that Steven’s father, Mac, had to restrain him. Mac then thought, “This thing will destroy my family if we don’t forgive. Venom and hatred will never end if we do not get it out of our system.” Healing and peace came as the family cleansed their hearts from anger and were able to forgive the man who took their son’s life.

We recently had two other tragedies here in Utah which demonstrate faith and the healing power of forgiveness. Gary Ceran, whose wife and two children were killed on Christmas Eve when their vehicle was hit by a truck, immediately expressed his forgiveness and concern for the alleged drunk driver. Last February, when a car crashed into Bishop Christopher Williams’s vehicle, he had a decision to make, and it was to “unconditionally forgive” the driver who had caused the accident so that the healing process could take place unhampered.14

What can we all learn from such experiences as these? We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us “to forgive all men” for our own good because “hatred retards spiritual growth.” Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts, just as He did for the Amish community, the Christensens, the Cerans, and the Williams family.

Of course, society needs to be protected from hardened criminals, because mercy cannot rob justice. Bishop Williams addressed this concept so well when he said, “Forgiveness is a source of power. But it does not relieve us of consequences.” When tragedy strikes, we should not respond by seeking personal revenge but rather let justice take its course and then let go. It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. For all of us who forgive “those who trespass against us,” even those who have committed serious crimes, the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort.

Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven. In the words of one of my favorite hymns, “Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e’en forgiven now by me.” With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior “to forgive all men.”

-President James E. Faust





I've forgiven you time and time again, but every time I do, something happens to make me ask myself, "Did I make a mistake forgiving you again?" I try my hardest to let go, and I pretty much succeed, but I can't keep talking to you. I can't have you in my life for a long time, perhaps perpetually. I don't know. But I do know that in order to feel peace, we shouldn't talk to one another again for a long time. I can't keep feeling this dread when I look into my inbox and see your name, wait fifteen minutes, open whatever you sent me, then instantly hate everything. Scars don't fade, I know that better than some, and I know I left you scarred. I don't take out my scars on the people who scarred me; I move on. Thus I am now moving on. I recommend you do the same as well. Please, do not talk to me and do not try contact me. I promise you, it is in your best interest. I want you to get better, to move on, to press forward in life, pursue your dream career, and don't regret anything. I don't regret a single day of my life thus far, and it is my goal to never regret a day henceforth, either. The Savior taught me to love everyone, and you know what? I do. I love everyone. I love everyone who has hurt me personally. I love everyone who has hurt me accidentally. I love people who have betrayed me. I love people who attack my sister. I love the people who are incarcerated for heinous crimes. I even love those who are fighting the wars against my country. I have a love for everyone, and thanks to your email today, I realize how much I have the ability to love even those who attack who I am. Yeah, I'm a little bitter about the low-blows you made, but whatever, I still pray for you.

I wish you enough. I wish you get enough out of life to be happy. I want you to be happy. I wish you get enough love in life. I want you to experience love. I wish you give enough love in life. I want you to give love, always, in this life. I wish you enough. I want you to have enough. The best isn't always the best, but enough? Enough is everything. Enough to live life. I wish you enough forgiveness.