I knowwww

I know I can't be there tomorrow like I said I would A YEAR AGO, but plans change in 365 days. I can't control some elements.


I love you. You know that. I'm here for you. You know that.
Don't distance yourself.
You're talking to me now. Thank you. But don't pretend like I don't care.
I care.
I love you. Forever. No matter what our differences become.

Srsly Hobbits?

I miss my shire. Haha.


I love being drama free. Forrealz.
There is NONE of this silly "He said, She said" nonsense.

I'm going to clean my apartment. Peace!

Hi

I'm alive.
I just have nothing to talk about.

But for a good time:

I love this and have watched it many times.

Another good time:

Bahahaha!





Favorite logo by far.

Next chapter

I'm tired of being the one to try and reach out.


I'm entering a new chapter of my life: the last year of my teenage years.
You know how I'm going to celebrate?


...


I'm going to decorate my jeans with permanent marker.
I might color my hair a drastic color... [Dark dark brown or blonde?]
I'm going to buy a new pair of jeans, [the presentable kind.]
I'm going to be eating cake for about a week straight.
I might paint my nails.
I will eat nothing but brussel sprouts for an entire day.
I will drink so much kool-ade I will be saying "OHHHHH Yeaaahhhh" without meaning to.
I will decorate every paper I need to hand in on Friday with cupcakes and candles with big print that says, "I'M NINETEEN TODAY!"
I'm going to prepare my papers like every good Mormon boy. [total jk]
I will sleep in. . . [I do that anyway]
I will re-read the only really good teen-fiction book I have, Just Listen.
I will do my homework. UGH.





Oh, and one last thing,
I will know who my friends are.
I still love the kid, but he has changed so much, and he is not the person I knew when I left home.
[Meggie, please take no offense to this; it has nothing to do with you. I think you're amazing and a good friend. =D ]

He knows what to say to hurt me, just like Andrew knew what to say. He knows exactly what subtle little things will push my buttons, and he will push them.

Maybe I have changed. After all, "people don't change, we change." --> Andy Warhol
But I still feel like he is the one who has changed.

Tom: I[we] weaseled our way out of an english term paper

5:12 PM me: WHATTT? How did you get out of the like, 589372583 page torture?

Tom: It wasn't that hard.

I ended up doing a book report. That was like 3 pages typed.

On a god bashing book.

It was epic.

5:13 PM And i got a hundred.

woot.

me: Who is your English teach?

Tom: capello

5:14 PM me: Dang, well, that's cool.

Tom: Yep.

5:15 PM me: I"m pretty glad I had so much experience writing wicked long papers, cause now it is so freakin' easy to just do a six page paper.

Tom: Yeah.

5:16 PM I don't need to do papers that are gay though. I can do a paper on chemical structure of neopropylene like nothing.

5:17 PM something like analyze the protagonist of whatever is dumb.

me: Tom... just because you have your opinion, and you know it, doesn't mean you need to demean other people and what they enjoy doing.

5:19 PM Tom: I was just saying.

5:20 PM me: You were just saying in a very negative and vengeful way. I don't want to analyze your words but I do want you to know that what you say highly affects other people. It is very easy to say something that will feel like a personal attack to others.

5:21 PM Tom: Yeah, well.

Whatever.

HE THEN SIGNED OFFLINE,

5:23 PM me: That was very immature. I didn't expect such conduct from someone who used to have such a high demeanor. You have changed a lot, and I don't appreciate your negative attitude. I hope graduation goes well for you and that you are able to succeed in your college career.

It is so gorgeous out! So I shall do a survey.

What company made your bra?
Bali. I'm lame like that.

Who is your favorite relative?
I can't pick.

What annoys you most?
Liarrrrs.

Who is the most important person in your life?
Jesus Christ.

Name one thing you used to do that you are not proud of.
Lie... a LOT.

Who is the best country artist of all time?
Alan Jackson. Or Brooks and Dunn. Or Brad Paisley.

When's your bed time?
I TRY to get to bed before midnight.. TRY.

Have you ever had surgery?
Technically my wisdom teeth count.

Is any of your family embarrassing?
Naw, cause I'm just as loony as them.

What country would you like to visit?
Scotland.

Is weed a drug?
Weed is a plant.
THC is a drug.

Do you believe in God?
OF COURSE. =]

Would you pay five dollars for a gallon of gas?
Yeah. I would get 20 dollars and drive almost NO WHERE.

Would you fight for our freedom if asked by this nation?
No. Not unless I was drafted.

Can you lick your nose with your tongue?
Sadly, yes.

How much alcohol do you drink on a weekly basis?
None.

Would you rather have Marge as a mother, or Homer as a dad?
Neither.

Do you believe that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?
No.

What's the furthest you've ever been from what you consider "home"?
Idaho.

What's your Windows desktop?
West Quoddy lighthouse.

Have you ever used the patch or gum to try and quit smoking?
I’ve never even had a cigarette, so I think not.
=P

What do you REALLY think is going to happen between Heidi and Spencer?
WHO?

What's your favorite CSI: Vegas, Miami, or New York?
Las Vegas.

What was the last reason you clapped?
Prolly laughing at Brittney

What was the last video game you watched someone play?
Halo at Marco's ages and ages ago.

Do you paint your nails random colors?
No.

When's the last time you ate dinner with your family?
December.

When is the last time you went to Staples?
A year or two ago.

Who was the last person who said they loved you?
Bex texted it to me. But if that doesn't count, then my roomie, Andria.

Do you have Netflix?
My parents do.

Do you like Sci-fi movies?
Yes.

What did you do over last spring break?
Stayed up till 8am then slept til 4.

What do you think is the most boring sport?
The thing where there is a ribbon attached to a baton like thing.

Have you ever been to a real NFL football game?
I wish.

What is the last big test you took?
Midterms this week and last.

What is the color of the chair you sitting in?
Brown.

What were you almost named?
Benjamin. But then my gender was discovered.

What time did you wake up this morning?
10, haha.

Do you like showering in the morning or at night?
Depends on my mood.

What pair of shoes did you wear today?
Black flats.

Ever done a science fair project?
I don’t think that our school ever even HAD a science fair.

What brand of deodorant do you use?
Secret.

Ever been in a lighthouse?
Numerous.

What are you eating for dinner tonight?
WHATEVER KEVIN AND ASHLEY MAKE ME! =D

How's your day been?
HAHA. So, I took a test which I didn't study for at ALL and as I was taking it I was thinking to myself, "Well, this could be right.. hmm" and I totally thought I was going to bomb it mega style, but then, I got an 85. Maybe I should have studied. Haha. It was for World History and it was about the Greeks and Myceneans and Minoans and philosophy.

Stick to it

I can do it. I know I can. Moments like I've had remind me of how much I have to work at it. Moments like I've had remind me that I'm different.

I won't have a normal marriage.
I won't have a normal family.
I will struggle often.
We will struggle often.
But I know that there will be so much love.

You know how I figured this all out?
I watched six straight hours of South of Nowhere.

I'm not going to be able to fill the normal, stereotypical "Mormon Mom" rules, but I think that will make me stronger, my future marriage stronger and my future children stronger. I will be able to relate to my children about everything and anything, and no matter what they choose in life, I will love them.

How will I not be normal?
I will not pressure my future children to be baptized immediately at age eight.
I will make sure that they understand that everything they are being taught in Primary is what the Mormons believe and that other people believe many different things and I will tell them what other people believe. They will NOT be ignorant children. There are many different people out in the world who do terrible things, but they should not JUDGE that person because they are sinning differently than they are themselves.

This is turning into a rant, but being here I have seen the way that some people view life, and they view life through a tunnel; they have tunnel vision. Some people see in black and in white. I always want to be able to see the gray and appreciate the gray.

100th post

...and I still don't know where I'm at.

I look at your facebook just to see your face, your smile, and to remember what your laugh sounded like to me. I look through all your pictures, and I'm glad that you're happy with her. You deserve happiness and peace. May you always find peace. I still love, and care about you.

I'm still South of nowhere.

I still crave and yearn for something.

I'm just more mature, better with words and more reserved about myself. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not lacking experience in this world. I know the black and I know the white. But, now that I know fully both sides, I don't know where I truly belong. I know where my heart wants me to be; I know that without hesitation, but where logically do I belong? Is it right to follow my heart, or my head? What if following my heart changes everything everyone has known about me? What if following my head makes me the largest hypocrite in life? Double standards? Can I follow my heart without being a hypocrite? Yes, I can. Can I do anything in life without wondering if I'm doing the right thing? No, I cannot. I had roots uprooted years ago and roots uprooted BECAUSE my roots were uprooted. Does that make sense to anyone but me? No, it probably should not. And, if you do per chance know what I am referring to, silence is your best virtue. Being bound is being free. Paradoxical, but true. But is this true? Can someone feel full and empty at the same time? Must I always talk in doubles? In paradoxes? Yes. Because life is a paradox; life is a double negative. Taste the bitter to taste the sweet. Come what may; let the chips fall where they may. I hope all works out for the right.

Nothing is impossible

This man is my hero:

The Most Dangerous Game

Fall behind + Catch up + Get ahead + Fall Behind + Catch up = college

You had better hang on, Spidermonkey

All is well

I can't wait to go home.
I feel so opposite of Becca who is SO anxious to be here.
But I can't wait to see my family and friends.
And especially my ward family.

Sometimes I drift off just thinking about my ward family.
I think about how everyone is sitting where they always sit.
The Dennis family,
the Carling family,
the Giullian family,
etc.
Then, I think about the next hour.
I often remember myself more in Sunday School than in Primary.
I think about Brother Poulliot and his lessons.
His lessons always left such a great impact on me.
Especially the lesson on the olive grove.
Just thinking about it makes me tear up.
I love that man and I really can't wait to see him,
and to hear him say,
"Hello, Catherine the Great!"
Then, I think about the third hour.
I often remember myself more in Relief Society than in Young Woman's.
I love sitting down in the Relief Society room and listen to the mothers talk about their children.
[Even if their child is my best friend, haha.]
It is actually where I find the most comfort.
The lessons hardly ever apply and most of the women are quite older than I,
but I find comfort in these women.

I'm trying to create a ward family here,
but it just isn't the same.
I don't feel that amazing connection.
We all don't seem willing to make the huge connection because we know that in a few months
we will be in a new ward... again.
It is quite tedious to switch wards all the time.
I love my ward right now.
My bishopric is amazing.
The people are amazing.
The chairs are not amazing. :P
But the atmosphere is amazing.
We all seem to be working for one common good,
and this time?
This time, we are achieving.
And that feeling...
is amazing. <3

questions

A thought formulates in my mind
without cause
without meaning.
Questions.

The sting of the truth is stone
the lake of transgressions cuts
a shadow on your mind
in the vast expanse of emptiness.
Questions.

The emptiness left behind
the surreality of havens rediscovered
the emptiness left behind
the surreality of reality became real.
Questions.

Left behind--
safety. love. future.
growth. haven. wholeness.
Questions Questions Questions!

Emptiness vacates
fullness ensues.
Questions vacate
answers never ensue.
Ivy will grow
cobwebs won't be slow.
Questions pass.

People Watching

Sometimes I look at people and wonder if they grew up around here or somewhere near-by. Then I wonder what their life was like living around here. I imagine driving down the road and seeing for miles in any direction and the clear lines of mountains in the distance. At night, you can see the entire city laid out before your eyes, city lights meld together to create a pool of light. With this pool of light, you can see that this city lies in the shadow of a great mountain. I try to imagine myself living here and I choke. I ask myself why I can't live here. It's beautiful here with the mountains and the snow, the desert... it IS beautiful. I sit and I ponder.. why can't I live here? Then it hits me... there is no escape. What do I mean by that? In the olden days people would dwell by water, ANY water, in order to travel and live. I think I like that thought process. I feel claustrophobic with just land surrounding me. Landlocked never had more of a true sound to me. Locked. If I stand at the expanse of the ocean, I feel free. I look out and can see the curvature of the planet and there is nothing obstructing that view. And, if not the ocean, I at least need a system of rivers around me. Even in Ftown I had a few river and creek systems around me. I like it. =]

I guess, to put it simply, I'm a water person. And, no shock, my hands are wicked dry. Haha.

Oot and aboot

So, I think I'm happy.
THINK.
How peculiar a word.
Can't I just KNOW if I'm happy?
No. I guess not. =]
But that is the best I have right now.

Your blood was strewn across your walls

Writing on the walls. (You should have killed me when you had the chance.)

So, today, I started to hum a song that I haven't sung in a while, so I tried to remember the lyrics. It took a while, but I did. When I sang this as a seventh grader, I didn't understand it; in fact, I thought it was stupid because, I didn't think that love was like this. But now, I completely understand.

The water is wide, I cannot get o'er.
And neither have I wings to fly.
Give me a boat that will carry two,
And both shall row, my love and I.

I leaned my back back up against an oak
I thought it was a trusty tree
but first it swayed and then it broke
So did my love prove false to me.

Oh love is handsome and love is blind
And love's a jewel when it is new
but love grows old and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew.

I thought that that was so morbid. Love is like a fairy tale. Once you find it, you never lose it. It never goes away, or so I thought. (That's why I will never be like one of those girls out here who meets and marries within 2 months.)


Addictions are bad... unless it is cathartic addictions to music. My cathartic addiction right now? A Day To Remember, Stick to Your Guns and a little bit of UnderOath... but mostly A Day To Remember.


ADTR:
Cause I try, So hard to make this right.
You've got my back on the wall.

After all you've put me through,
My friends still stay true.

Your reign is over,
Why couldn't you prove me wrong?!


I tried to be a hero.
I was afraid it would still be needed.
Why??!
I feel like a failure. I should have been there.
YOU SHOULD HAVE REACHED OUT.
I'm not Jesus and I'm not your hero.
And I don't need anyone on this Earth to save me.


Forward. Forward. FORWARD.
posi!
I refuse to believe that there is nothing out there.
I will improve.
I will be a better person.
I will gain a stronger testimony.
I will do my work. (Do work!!)
I will love again.