So this is what is happening in life:
End of July:
Go to Boston and chill with Sarai for a few days in the city.
Go home.
HOPEFULLY, money and cars permitting, Gabe and I go to New York for our friend's reception.
August:
HOPEFULLY return from trip to NY and such.
Go to Lubec with Gabe and Bex for a week.
Week or so to chill. Help Bex pack and such.
Trip to RI with Bex and Gabe.
OH, by the way, Bex, Gabe and I are planning on going to Rhode Island to meet with the family, chill out in Rhode Island, visit the mansions, beach it upp, view the colonial-ness of RI, then you guys would leave out of the Providence air port. Ya digg? If it isn't a bueno idea to you, lemme know. :P
I drive home, hopefully get home alive, have some time off then..
September:
Either tell Kohl's I want a minimum of 25 hours a week [which is an actual God-send in that business], find a secondary job for afternoons, or find a completely new job.
Work
October:
Work
November:
Work
December:
1-23: Work; somewhere in there my bf squared comes home.
23-30 Celebrate that I get to see my best-friend... and boy-friend. =]
31: PARTYYYY at Gabe's
January 1st:
Leave for school and leave my best-friend behind,
CAUSE SHE LIED TO ME.
Okay, so my school track is Winter-Spring.
Bex told me hers was Fall-Winter.
She LIED.
She is actually on the Fall-Spring track.
Sooo, I come home, she leaves. She comes home, I leave. THEN she comes out here by herself and we live together. UNLESS I can miraculously afford to go off track.. which I cant.
In the fall Gabe and Bex will be here.
In the winter Gabe and Cat will be here.
In the spring Cat and Bex will be here [and Gabe if he goes off track once more]
So, at least no one will be alone in Rexburg...
Just alone in NH. . . . .
But really, how alone can you BE in NH?
I guess I just have to REALLY learn to be independent from Bex, I guess. Not that I rely on her, but it's like... she is my best friend soul mate. And ya'll know what it's supposedly like to be seperated from your soul mate, your kindred spirit. It's already been established that if one of us was a guy [and we debate constantly who is the guy], we would SO be married with kids. :P
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Never surrender; never lose faith.
The corridor of faith.
"If you say that faith should be blind
Feast your eyes on the long corridor of faith
Only at the end you will you find your belief
Only at the end you will see the truth
Only after you see the corridor of faith
Only then you can decide to go blind"
I talked to this rad kid in English today who is on the BYUIFD which is wayy too many letters in a fire-department's name.
I got like an 81 on a paper, but I'm going to be able to raise that grade when I bring in one of the missing elements and hopefully get like, another 6 points or so.
I went to the Honor Code Office to discuss issues within the dorm and instead of talking just about the issues, we talked about growth and the Spirit and such.
I went to my BoM class. Which, basically, was the pinnacle of my day. I love that class.
You know what else? Your song doesn't affect me, anymore, girl. Your day in my calender, doesn't affect me anymore, girl. Three years seven months and eleven days. I can honestly say I am so done and over it. Do you have any idea how pathetic that makes me? It took me THAT long to forget you? To not care? Strange what the West will do to a person. That realization made my day infintely better.
So, BoM today.... we talked about 2Nephi 31. Here are some insights and such:
13 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, I know that if ye shall follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism—yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost; yea, then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost; and then can ye speak with the tongue of angels, and shout praises unto the Holy One of Israel.Hypocrisy in Greek means "play-actor." Then really dwell on the whole "real intent" part. It is so powerful.
14 But, behold, my beloved brethren, thus came the voice of the Son unto me, saying: After ye have repented of your sins, and witnessed unto the Father that ye are willing to keep my commandments, by the baptism of water, and have received the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost, and can speak with a new tongue, yea, even with the tongue of angels, and after this should deny me, it would have been better for you that ye had not known me.
So, in this verse, Christ is talking and saying that you should repent of sins, keep the commandments, become baptized and receive the Holy Ghost... and if after that you DENY Him, it would have been better to not know Him at all. Like, just the impact of that verse. It's amazing. To think that your salvation would have been better if you didn't know the truth rather than to know it and ignore it. You know? Haha, BUT, even if bad stuffs happen after your baptism and you choose to ignore the right but then want to come back to the right, there are options. First of all, there is repentance. Knowing you're wrong, talking to the Bishop about it and just coming back. Then, if you were ex-communicated or took your name off the records you can be RE baptized. But when you're re baptized, they don't put down that date that you got baptized, they put down your original date of baptism. It's symbolic, really. Like, yar, you fell away, but when you're REbaptized, you're cleansed of that fall so you're like you were when you were originally baptized. And on your record, they omit the part that mentions that you fell, or you had struggles, because due to the baptism, it doesn't exist anymore.. but this isn't like a thing that you can rely on.. "oh, I'll fall THEN get re-baptized again and again." It is a long hard process.
Also, my teacher was talking about how WE aren't to really decide if we aren't worthy of the sacrament... He said our Bishop decides that. Worthy doesn't mean you're sinless. 3rd Nephi 18 saysss:
28 And now behold, this is the commandment which I give unto you, that ye shall not suffer any one knowingly to partake of my flesh and blood unworthily, when ye shall minister it;
29 For whoso eateth and drinketh my flesh and blood unworthily eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.
30 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out from among you, but ye shall minister unto him and shall pray for him unto the Father, in my name; and if it so be that he repenteth and is baptized in my name, then shall ye receive him, and shall minister unto him of my flesh and blood.
29 For whoso eateth and drinketh my flesh and blood unworthily eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.
30 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out from among you, but ye shall minister unto him and shall pray for him unto the Father, in my name; and if it so be that he repenteth and is baptized in my name, then shall ye receive him, and shall minister unto him of my flesh and blood.
It says in 29: "if ye know that a man is... ye shall forbid him." It is instruction to our leaders to take care of us and make sure that we, His sheep, are doing our good righteous stuff.
Also, my teacher told me that we take the sacrament as a form of repentance and that skipping it of our OWN accord is like, not allowing ourselves to repent, fully. I never knew that. Like, I kinda did, but didn't. Only when you have made a BIG boo-boo that is worthy of seeing the Bishop for, and he TELLS YOU, you are to skip the sacrament... but just because it is a big mistake, doesn't mean that the Bishop will tell you to skip the sacrament. Sometimes he will do the very opposite and encourage you to take the sacrament. This is why we need to see our Bishops when we feel we are not worthy to take the sacrament. They have the keys of the priesthood and have that power of revelation and will know what our Heavenly Father wants. Does he want us to take the sacrament, or not? There isn't EXACTLY a set precedence.
Tom,I love you still. I will never give up on you in my heart and in my mind. I believe in you. You are my brother by means of water, forever. I have faith in you. I will always have faith in you.
Love from your sister,
Catherine Anne
Monday, February 23, 2009
I depend on my peeps too much.
asdfghjkl;'
Really? No one posted today?
I don't really have time for a blog post, but I just wanted to be rad and say that I posted today. =]
Bex is going to school in the fall. So, I'll see her for a MONTH or so and then BAM she is gone.. And what do I have to look forward to? Retail hell. Yes. This time, though, I'm legit saving it up...
...I think...
Then, Gabe and Bex will come home, I'll see Gabe for 2 weeks and then I'll go to school with Bex, I think, and Gabe will go on his mission, I think.
I thought High School was depressing...
But this is bleak, man.
Really? No one posted today?
I don't really have time for a blog post, but I just wanted to be rad and say that I posted today. =]
Bex is going to school in the fall. So, I'll see her for a MONTH or so and then BAM she is gone.. And what do I have to look forward to? Retail hell. Yes. This time, though, I'm legit saving it up...
...I think...
Then, Gabe and Bex will come home, I'll see Gabe for 2 weeks and then I'll go to school with Bex, I think, and Gabe will go on his mission, I think.
I thought High School was depressing...
But this is bleak, man.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Total frustration CONFIRMED.
I keep having rough day after rough day out here. This goes wrong, that goes wrong. Drama here, drama there, and I don't know if it is completely due to Selena or not. But, last night I learned more about Selena and I'm pissed. I'm repulsed. I was near vomit status. For real. I can't take it anymore. There is no feeling of peaceful Spirit here. None at all. It's ridiculous. It makes me hate it here, but at the same time, I DON'T want to go home. But I do? It's all so very confusing.
So, I have a lot of frustration when it comes to music. What I do know, I've taught myself. Or, rather, I had like, 3-5 months [8-12 formal lessons] about music. That means singing and sight-singing and SOME training on the piano. Never have I gotten a full comprehension of music. And I don't have the patience or will-power to teach myself completely. I used to spy on Mr. Martinez when he gave lessons so that I could over-hear his instruction. I got actual lessons from Mr. Martinez for a few months and I tried to take everything he said to heart and to commit it to memory. Everything I learned from his wife, Jane, I tried to do the same for. She is the one who taught me to sing opera-style. She and I fought often... And the music at my school? HAHAH. What a laughing riot. The only thing I learned from High School when it came to music is to listen ONLY to the melody. Carry only the melody. But then again, we primarily sang ONLY the melody, so I have four years of melody
only music. So, throw in a harmony line and I have NO idea what is going on. The only stuff I know on sound-stuff is from my FORMAL training. Crescendo, Decrescendo, whatever PP means, mezzo piano, piano, mezzo forte, forte, fortizzimo. I don't even think those are spelled correctly. I don't understand time signatures, except for what Gabe has tried to teach me. I don't really understand the different keys, except for what little Gabe has tried to teach me. I sing by ear and ear only. When someone gives me a starting note, I can TRY to follow along going by the notes on the page... but I usually fail. I've been brought up, by my dad, to think that music runs in the family; it should come naturally to me. Just like driving a John Deere. Just like driving a stick [which pretty much did..] You're a part of this family, so you aren't good at math. You're part of this family so you appreciate cleanliness/order. You're a Gladding so you multi-task. You're a Grundner so you're depressed. You're a Gladding, so you're obsessed with money. So on so forth. So, I've never tried to be good at math; I'm a Gladding. I love tractors; I'm a Gladding. I get depression; I'm a Grundner. I can sing; I'm a Gladding. But, I've never had opportunity or will-power to be GOOD at my Gladding-inherited trait.
only music. So, throw in a harmony line and I have NO idea what is going on. The only stuff I know on sound-stuff is from my FORMAL training. Crescendo, Decrescendo, whatever PP means, mezzo piano, piano, mezzo forte, forte, fortizzimo. I don't even think those are spelled correctly. I don't understand time signatures, except for what Gabe has tried to teach me. I don't really understand the different keys, except for what little Gabe has tried to teach me. I sing by ear and ear only. When someone gives me a starting note, I can TRY to follow along going by the notes on the page... but I usually fail. I've been brought up, by my dad, to think that music runs in the family; it should come naturally to me. Just like driving a John Deere. Just like driving a stick [which pretty much did..] You're a part of this family, so you aren't good at math. You're part of this family so you appreciate cleanliness/order. You're a Gladding so you multi-task. You're a Grundner so you're depressed. You're a Gladding, so you're obsessed with money. So on so forth. So, I've never tried to be good at math; I'm a Gladding. I love tractors; I'm a Gladding. I get depression; I'm a Grundner. I can sing; I'm a Gladding. But, I've never had opportunity or will-power to be GOOD at my Gladding-inherited trait. I'm expected to sing. I'm expected to be good at it. Here lies the problem. I don't FEEL good about it. I feel naive, stupid, ignorant... inadequate. I do like singing, that isn't the issue.. it's just.. frustrating.
I'm so mad that I missed the melody line today. I'm so mad that I messed up. Jane pointed out to me that when I think I'm going to screw up, I don't even try to do whatever it is that I should be doing. She taught me singing, so, when she introduced a new song to me, she would give me the sheet music and say, "okay, we're going to sing this now." She would not even show me how the melody went so when she started to play the piano I wouldn't know where to come in, so I wouldn't. I wouldn't know the note to sing, so I wouldn't.
I'm sorry I flipped out. It's just..... I'm self conscious about how ignorant I am...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Every time I go somewhere alone
I pretend I'm with Becca. Or I pretend about the future when we'll be here together. Things that I don't want to do right now, certain activities, I know Becca would make me go to with her, and I appreciate that.
I miss you! =[
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Re-reading emails:
To Brother Stricklan, dictator of all things science:
My first email::
On my grade report, it says that I got 0/5 on a quiz. However, I am not enrolled for your class on the day that the 12th fell on, a Thursday. I find your class challenging enough without the grade book putting me on the wrong class schedule. Therefore, I was hoping this could be remedied before I have a heart attack looking at the grade book.
Thanks for your help,
Cat[herine]
This is my email of exhasperation. I'm frustrated and confused. I'm wondering, why the heck my grade went down 3 points all of a sudden. This stuff happens all the time on I-Learn.. I'm TIRED of it.
This is the response:
Janelle - Would you check this date? I suspect that what Cat is referring to is a grade from a stack of quizzes that have been entered into I-Learn on a date different from the actual day I gave the quiz (but still a quiz that I did give).
Why don’t you just pull the dates off of the quizzes and just put quiz 1, quiz 2, etc. so as to remove any confusion? The date they were given doesn’t really matter. Anyway would you look into this for me so I can report back to Cat?
Cat – I am glad to hear that you find the class challenging. That is one of our objectives for Foundations. I’m not sure which quiz the 0/5 grade was on, you may come look through the quizzes if you like and we can review it. They quizzes are alphabetized so it will be easy to see which quiz group was attributed to the 12th. As you can see from my message to my TA above I suspect that the quiz was identified by the day my TA graded it rather than the day I administered the quiz.
My larger concern is your score on whichever quiz it was. It appears that you may have missed the main idea of that day’s reading. I hope you are doing better with the quizzes as we go along. I would be pleased to visit with you about the quiz and/or your study methods. Please stop in my office so that we can do so. The remedy you request will deal more with doing better on the quizzes rather than revising the date on which they were recorded.
Best
-ds-
My response:
Bro. Stricklan,
On the black board it shows the proper quiz on Wednesday (the 11th) where I got full points and it shows the very next day, Thursday the 12th, that I got 0 points out of a possible 5. Friday you did a name quiz after we discussed the readings in class. Therefore, I have no idea where this five point quiz came from where I scored zero points. That is why I am confused. If that quiz does so exist, I'd definitely like to look it over and see what it was over, and maybe we could discuss it so that I can avoid any confusion in the future and do well on future
Science has always been a weak point for me, so naturally I find this class to be challenging. It is interesting, and you make sure of that, which I definitely appreciate, but now more than ever, going into atoms and such, I'm concerned because that is where my basic understanding stops.
Thanks for your help, though! =]
-Cat[herine]
Bro. Stricklan's last response:
Cat,
Thanks for the information, we will see if we can get this straightened out. Hang in there, that is what this is all about (learning new things). It is that way for all of us every day.
Best
-ds-
I realize my first e-mail was abrupt. If a person knew me better they wouldn't find that so abrasive... Bex would prolly get a visual of me turning blue from a heart attack looking at my grade being lower than I anticipated. So, I definitely at first didn't think it was so bad. I was definitely frustrated because I-Learn sucks major monkey balls. I've had teachers who have had to fix the grade book online cause wrong grades have been entered wrong, so THAT made me frustrated and I see my science grade and I get even more frustrated, cause in my other classes I have to tell my teacher that the grade book is wrong so that I can get my credit back that I worked for. On the quiz I got a zero on, I explained why I didn't read the material, which was because I got an email that was misleading and made me think that the reading wasn't due until the NEXT class and he said that was fine; he would take care of it. Well... he didn't. He said today that it was my responsibility anyway. Even though his email made it sound like it wasn't due for the class coming up, but the one after that one. He says one thing but subtley means another... which is frustrating. Just say what you mean.
Sarai would hate him. Haha!
I understand that the teachers are frustrated by the whole I-Learn thing, but it really sucks for the students who check it routinely who have small panic attacks when they see a zero they didn't anticipate.
But, whatever. I don't care anymore. It isn't worth it. I'm at an 80 instead of an 82 now. Whatever.
I'm going to talk to him Friday after class and explain that I was very stressed and confused and I didn't realize that my words were so rash and harsh and all. I'll apologize.
My first email::
On my grade report, it says that I got 0/5 on a quiz. However, I am not enrolled for your class on the day that the 12th fell on, a Thursday. I find your class challenging enough without the grade book putting me on the wrong class schedule. Therefore, I was hoping this could be remedied before I have a heart attack looking at the grade book.
Thanks for your help,
Cat[herine]
This is my email of exhasperation. I'm frustrated and confused. I'm wondering, why the heck my grade went down 3 points all of a sudden. This stuff happens all the time on I-Learn.. I'm TIRED of it.
This is the response:
Janelle - Would you check this date? I suspect that what Cat is referring to is a grade from a stack of quizzes that have been entered into I-Learn on a date different from the actual day I gave the quiz (but still a quiz that I did give).
Why don’t you just pull the dates off of the quizzes and just put quiz 1, quiz 2, etc. so as to remove any confusion? The date they were given doesn’t really matter. Anyway would you look into this for me so I can report back to Cat?
Cat – I am glad to hear that you find the class challenging. That is one of our objectives for Foundations. I’m not sure which quiz the 0/5 grade was on, you may come look through the quizzes if you like and we can review it. They quizzes are alphabetized so it will be easy to see which quiz group was attributed to the 12th. As you can see from my message to my TA above I suspect that the quiz was identified by the day my TA graded it rather than the day I administered the quiz.
My larger concern is your score on whichever quiz it was. It appears that you may have missed the main idea of that day’s reading. I hope you are doing better with the quizzes as we go along. I would be pleased to visit with you about the quiz and/or your study methods. Please stop in my office so that we can do so. The remedy you request will deal more with doing better on the quizzes rather than revising the date on which they were recorded.
Best
-ds-
My response:
Bro. Stricklan,
On the black board it shows the proper quiz on Wednesday (the 11th) where I got full points and it shows the very next day, Thursday the 12th, that I got 0 points out of a possible 5. Friday you did a name quiz after we discussed the readings in class. Therefore, I have no idea where this five point quiz came from where I scored zero points. That is why I am confused. If that quiz does so exist, I'd definitely like to look it over and see what it was over, and maybe we could discuss it so that I can avoid any confusion in the future and do well on future
Science has always been a weak point for me, so naturally I find this class to be challenging. It is interesting, and you make sure of that, which I definitely appreciate, but now more than ever, going into atoms and such, I'm concerned because that is where my basic understanding stops.
Thanks for your help, though! =]
-Cat[herine]
Bro. Stricklan's last response:
Cat,
Thanks for the information, we will see if we can get this straightened out. Hang in there, that is what this is all about (learning new things). It is that way for all of us every day.
Best
-ds-
I realize my first e-mail was abrupt. If a person knew me better they wouldn't find that so abrasive... Bex would prolly get a visual of me turning blue from a heart attack looking at my grade being lower than I anticipated. So, I definitely at first didn't think it was so bad. I was definitely frustrated because I-Learn sucks major monkey balls. I've had teachers who have had to fix the grade book online cause wrong grades have been entered wrong, so THAT made me frustrated and I see my science grade and I get even more frustrated, cause in my other classes I have to tell my teacher that the grade book is wrong so that I can get my credit back that I worked for. On the quiz I got a zero on, I explained why I didn't read the material, which was because I got an email that was misleading and made me think that the reading wasn't due until the NEXT class and he said that was fine; he would take care of it. Well... he didn't. He said today that it was my responsibility anyway. Even though his email made it sound like it wasn't due for the class coming up, but the one after that one. He says one thing but subtley means another... which is frustrating. Just say what you mean.
Sarai would hate him. Haha!
I understand that the teachers are frustrated by the whole I-Learn thing, but it really sucks for the students who check it routinely who have small panic attacks when they see a zero they didn't anticipate.
But, whatever. I don't care anymore. It isn't worth it. I'm at an 80 instead of an 82 now. Whatever.
I'm going to talk to him Friday after class and explain that I was very stressed and confused and I didn't realize that my words were so rash and harsh and all. I'll apologize.
My personality?
Am I too sharp when I write? I e-mailed a teacher and he took me aside, showed me I was wrong, and then tells me that my e-mail was too "sharp" and that I'm a "sharp" kid, but my wit was too much. Elizabeth Bennet much? And, this teacher doesn't have much to talk about. He is the most callous teacher I know. He can say the MOST offensive things sometimes, but they're in jest. What is that called? Oh, yes, it is called wit.
Am I being too "witty," now?
Ugh. Freakin', I leave his office TRYING not to cry then I realize, oh heck, I'M NOT BREATHING EITHER. If I stop to try to remember what breathing is like, I'll be late to math. I'm completely psychotic and was thinking, "I can't be late to math, heck with breathing, I'll breathe later." So, I step outside and it's cold. Really cold. AND IT ISN'T DAMP COLD. It's dry cold, so what little breathing I was doing, hurt. So, I run to the next building then sprint up four flights of stairs. No, no, it's not like four flights like a dozen stairs per flight. It's two dozen stairs per flight. So then I go down the hall and to my class, sit down, put my bag down, then realize I'm STILL not breathing. But NOW I find it to be an issue. I tried to control my breathing but I couldn't and I could sense people around me in the room; I needed to get out. So I go out into the hall way and BAM, there is Gabe. I was panicking. Do I go to him and loose ALL control of my emotions, or do I go to the bathroom and try to regain my breathing? I figured if I lost all control of my emotions I'd be able to breathe. Score, it worked.. not immediately.. but yes.
UGH. I'm just SO tired of losing control of my emotions.
Rawr. My stress level??? thru da roof.
Math: print and deliver.
BoM: midterm power point. Teach someone the content and get comment on it. E-mail it.
English: type out interview notes from Bex. Type out interview nots from class. Read chapter 5 of online book pgs 6-27 and pgs 33-44. Take notes on power point for Methods of Writing. Create a thesis statement for interview notes.
More Math: math problems.
AmFo: FIll in the blanks, study the notebook and read about 859734859743897 pages of our ancestor's writings. Take the practice exam.
At least I made it to class today for AmFo.
THURSDAY AND FRIDAY ARE LEFT. Then? I do more homework.
Am I being too "witty," now?
Ugh. Freakin', I leave his office TRYING not to cry then I realize, oh heck, I'M NOT BREATHING EITHER. If I stop to try to remember what breathing is like, I'll be late to math. I'm completely psychotic and was thinking, "I can't be late to math, heck with breathing, I'll breathe later." So, I step outside and it's cold. Really cold. AND IT ISN'T DAMP COLD. It's dry cold, so what little breathing I was doing, hurt. So, I run to the next building then sprint up four flights of stairs. No, no, it's not like four flights like a dozen stairs per flight. It's two dozen stairs per flight. So then I go down the hall and to my class, sit down, put my bag down, then realize I'm STILL not breathing. But NOW I find it to be an issue. I tried to control my breathing but I couldn't and I could sense people around me in the room; I needed to get out. So I go out into the hall way and BAM, there is Gabe. I was panicking. Do I go to him and loose ALL control of my emotions, or do I go to the bathroom and try to regain my breathing? I figured if I lost all control of my emotions I'd be able to breathe. Score, it worked.. not immediately.. but yes.
UGH. I'm just SO tired of losing control of my emotions.
Rawr. My stress level??? thru da roof.
Math: print and deliver.
BoM: midterm power point. Teach someone the content and get comment on it. E-mail it.
English: type out interview notes from Bex. Type out interview nots from class. Read chapter 5 of online book pgs 6-27 and pgs 33-44. Take notes on power point for Methods of Writing. Create a thesis statement for interview notes.
More Math: math problems.
AmFo: FIll in the blanks, study the notebook and read about 859734859743897 pages of our ancestor's writings. Take the practice exam.
At least I made it to class today for AmFo.
THURSDAY AND FRIDAY ARE LEFT. Then? I do more homework.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
This is how I function:
I watched the proverbial sunrise Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'd soon blow up and
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
---------------------------------------------(Radio edit doesn't have this verse!)
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
I never should've crossed it
Stop right there I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
---------------------------------------------
Stop right there
Thats exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me
I'm sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
-Relient K
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'd soon blow up and
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
---------------------------------------------(Radio edit doesn't have this verse!)
Stop right there
That's exactly where I lost it
See that line
I never should've crossed it
Stop right there I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
---------------------------------------------
Stop right there
Thats exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cause who I've been only ever made me
I'm sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
-Relient K
Taking my pessimistic views into perspective.
1. My American History class. I never go to class; I have missed 6 classes out of the, like, 20 classes I've had thus far... and that statistic makes me so mad. I can't ever sleep because it's the dorm life, ya digg? People up until 3 or 4 am yelling, being hooligans, the usual. My class is at 9am. After a few days of little to no sleep, waking up at 8am loses it's beauty. The class is boring. Ever seen Ferris Buehler? He sounds like the teacher. "Buehler...? Buehler...?" and it just isn't fun at all. I honestly can't stand it. =/ The class is boring AND it is early in the morning [for me.]
2. My English class. It makes me dislike English. I try SO hard and do AVERAGE. I have an 85 in that class. If I don't excel there, then where? I feel so lost in college. Like, I thought I knew what I was good at, but I don't find anything I do well at. And as for liking something?:
3. My Book of Mormon class. I love this class. Yeah, maybe it IS because my teacher is allowing me to not follow the class EXACTLY as the others are, and I'm a little behind the class while exploring the topics more in depth, but I LOVE that about my BoM class. I'm understanding more and having more of a desire to read my scriptures. I'm hoping I get Brother Chapman next semester, too. I know Gabe isn't a huge fan of him, cause he is kind of... odd... but I like odd. Odd listens to odd... hence, odd listens to me. :P
4. Science and Math. Suuuuuuck. But, Gabe makes it easier for me. He helps me understand the content, which I NEVER get until he explains it. Ugh. I hope we take our next science class together next semester.
See, I love having Gabe there for me. He helps me see things that I wouldn't normally see or he offers a different perspective I didn't consider before. And, honestly, I like when he offers direction, but, holla, to a degree. I don't mean like, controlling. Naw, I've dated controlling before, and I do say, it is SO hard to breathe and exist in that enviornment. Naw, I appreciate Gabe. Lots. =]
Grades for classes thus far:
AmFo: Not posted AND I'm not doing well, anyway.
Science: 79; but I think he messed up on a quiz of mine, so it SHOULD be: 82
Math: ISN'T UPDATED AND DRIVES ME NUTS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GETTING. Las I knew, it was a 79.
English: 86
BoM: Isn't updated but that's cause I don't follow the given program. Cause I'm a rad kid. =P
My goal: To get 85s or more in all my classes [ExceptMaybeAmFo,CuzAmFoSucksHxC,FerRealz.]
AHHHHH. I'MMA SING AT GABE'S WARD ON SUNDAY. =D
I visited once, so naturally, I oughtta sing. =]
2. My English class. It makes me dislike English. I try SO hard and do AVERAGE. I have an 85 in that class. If I don't excel there, then where? I feel so lost in college. Like, I thought I knew what I was good at, but I don't find anything I do well at. And as for liking something?:
3. My Book of Mormon class. I love this class. Yeah, maybe it IS because my teacher is allowing me to not follow the class EXACTLY as the others are, and I'm a little behind the class while exploring the topics more in depth, but I LOVE that about my BoM class. I'm understanding more and having more of a desire to read my scriptures. I'm hoping I get Brother Chapman next semester, too. I know Gabe isn't a huge fan of him, cause he is kind of... odd... but I like odd. Odd listens to odd... hence, odd listens to me. :P
4. Science and Math. Suuuuuuck. But, Gabe makes it easier for me. He helps me understand the content, which I NEVER get until he explains it. Ugh. I hope we take our next science class together next semester.
See, I love having Gabe there for me. He helps me see things that I wouldn't normally see or he offers a different perspective I didn't consider before. And, honestly, I like when he offers direction, but, holla, to a degree. I don't mean like, controlling. Naw, I've dated controlling before, and I do say, it is SO hard to breathe and exist in that enviornment. Naw, I appreciate Gabe. Lots. =]
Grades for classes thus far:
AmFo: Not posted AND I'm not doing well, anyway.
Science: 79; but I think he messed up on a quiz of mine, so it SHOULD be: 82
Math: ISN'T UPDATED AND DRIVES ME NUTS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GETTING. Las I knew, it was a 79.
English: 86
BoM: Isn't updated but that's cause I don't follow the given program. Cause I'm a rad kid. =P
My goal: To get 85s or more in all my classes [ExceptMaybeAmFo,CuzAmFoSucksHxC,FerRealz.]
AHHHHH. I'MMA SING AT GABE'S WARD ON SUNDAY. =D
I visited once, so naturally, I oughtta sing. =]
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My yesterday; my today
Yesterday: amazing. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. End of story.
Today: sucks. I wake up all the time feeling wicked sick. I feel nauseous and dizzy. I feel like I can't get out of bed. So I don't. A lot of those days happen to be when I have a 9am class. I can't get up at 8am; 9am though? Oh totally can barely handle it. I've only missed one of my 9:45 am classes [I'm barely on time....] but my 9am classes? I've missed 6 or 7. My Sundays are suffering, too. I have church at 9am. I've missed 3 now and people in my dorm are starting to beleive that I just don't want to go to church. I do want to go, but not here. My ward is so fake to me. I just really miss Rochester Ward. Relief society is so strange without Sister Carling, Candace, Sister Titus, Sue, Camille, etc. Instead, I'm in a Relief society with 30 teenaged girls who dress super amazingly, have perfect hair, and are all like, answering with Primary answers. It makes me so frustrated that they don't care to investigate their own church. Sunday school? Wicked frustrating. No one asks questions or answers them either. No one is interested in their religion, it feels. So, yes, I have voiced these things in my dorm, that church frustrates me, so naturally, they think I want to go inactive. Hoofrickinray. They also think I'm too hard on myself... like I'm a glutton for punishment. I refuse to go to the temple for a while cause I don't feel worthy enough and I don't take the sacrament every week cause sometimes things happen. I'd rather skip a Sunday without needing to than take the sacrament unworthily.
So, I'mma get a blessing from some priesthood holders.
Today: sucks. I wake up all the time feeling wicked sick. I feel nauseous and dizzy. I feel like I can't get out of bed. So I don't. A lot of those days happen to be when I have a 9am class. I can't get up at 8am; 9am though? Oh totally can barely handle it. I've only missed one of my 9:45 am classes [I'm barely on time....] but my 9am classes? I've missed 6 or 7. My Sundays are suffering, too. I have church at 9am. I've missed 3 now and people in my dorm are starting to beleive that I just don't want to go to church. I do want to go, but not here. My ward is so fake to me. I just really miss Rochester Ward. Relief society is so strange without Sister Carling, Candace, Sister Titus, Sue, Camille, etc. Instead, I'm in a Relief society with 30 teenaged girls who dress super amazingly, have perfect hair, and are all like, answering with Primary answers. It makes me so frustrated that they don't care to investigate their own church. Sunday school? Wicked frustrating. No one asks questions or answers them either. No one is interested in their religion, it feels. So, yes, I have voiced these things in my dorm, that church frustrates me, so naturally, they think I want to go inactive. Hoofrickinray. They also think I'm too hard on myself... like I'm a glutton for punishment. I refuse to go to the temple for a while cause I don't feel worthy enough and I don't take the sacrament every week cause sometimes things happen. I'd rather skip a Sunday without needing to than take the sacrament unworthily.
So, I'mma get a blessing from some priesthood holders.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday the 13th SUCKED.
Friday the 13th:
We have been having some strange days here at the dorm and I'm about to tell ya'll about it. However, I do have to warn ya'll, it is mildly creepy. Well, to me, it's just down-right scary, but that is because I am living this. I can't make this crap up, so don't question the validity of this, either.
About five nights ago, Brittany walked into her room that she shared with Sarai and she saw a white spirit/presence. She was completely freaked out but didn't want to freak us all out, so she just started to do her homework. Twenty minutes later, Sarai walked into the room and saw a white spirit/presence on her bed. She looked and Brittany and saw its face taking over Brittany's. Brittany could then tell that Sarai had seen it too. Sarai tried to pray to get rid of the presence that was in the room, but it took away her ability to pray; it wouldn't let her speak. She told me all about that occurance the day after it had happened.
A few nights ago, Elena had a nightmare that this white presence was chasing her, trying to catch her to kill her. She called Danny when she woke up and told him about it. She told us about it and Kristin freaked out saying that she had that dream as well.
Kristin's friend, who wants to be more than just that, flew all the way from Alabama to visit her this Valentine's weekend. He spent over 1400 dollars to do this. He is in the army. He is mad scary. He refuses to go anywhere without his huge pocket-knife. He lurks. He stalks. He is just mad scary.
Sarai, Brittany and I were in my room talking about how we got mad freaky vibes from him. When I first saw him, it was only a fleeting glance, and then, next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom scrubbing at my hands hxc with my super exfoliating [aka rough] bar of soap. I couldn't scrub hard enough or long enough to feel clean. My hands were bright pink when I was finally done scrubbing. While I was exiting the bathroom, I heard him say how he can always guess when Kristin is going to call, when she is in a bad mood and he can guess what number someone is thinking of. Elena, Brittany and Sarai made him guess their numbers, 1-100... he got their numbers every time. He guessed mine, too.
At dinner, he was mad grimy. I didn't go, so I only heard a few things back from my roomies how grimy he was. He made it clear to my gimpy room-mate that she wouldn't be able to get away if someone were after her, cause of her gimp leg. When asked a question, he pauses then responds with what we would like to hear. His eyes are empty. He never shows any emotion. I've seen him smile once and that was when Kristin made a joke.
After he left for the night, Brittany told Kristin how she got a bad vibe from him. Kristin surprised us by saying she did, too, and that is why she made him go home early. She didn't feel right around him. We had a group meeting and talked about it and how we all get mad creeped out by him. We all agreed he seemed evil. Then the circumstance really dawned on Kristin. He really was evil..... she started spazzing out. Sarai called our FHE brother, Stephen, and he came over to give blessings to all but me. [I didn't want one.] In the blessing for Kristin, Stephen mentioned how Heavenly Father would be watching over her family. We never thought of her family. While they were all getting their blessings, I had a "vision" of sorts, and don't think I'm crazy. In this vision I saw Caleb coming up to the window, knife in hand, then he moved to the door, knocking and realizing that it was actually locked. Then the handle started shaking and I heard a scraping noise and the door opened.
After Stephen left, I shared what I had seen. Elena and Brittany had seen the same thing. Everyone got thouroughly freaked out. Kristin started sobbing. She felt like this entire thing was her fault. We locked the door and put furniture in front of it. We had a couple of prayers and then I read psalm 23. I realize it is used for like, funerals and stuff, but it talks about the valley of darkness and evil and all that and how we can't stray from the Iron Rod.
We all got our bedding and brought it into Kristin's room. Sarai brought her huge kitchen knife. Kristin heated up wax.... to use as self defense.....[?] HAHA. We were just all chilling and listening to hymns online when all of a sudden we all heard knocking. Mind you, this was 2am, it wasn't the girl scouts. This went on for about an hour.... knocking... foot steps... banging... movement... we were sufficiently freaked out.
He is still here and he still freaks us out. He wants something from Kristin and is frustrated he isn't getting it. He is military trained. He is frightening. Haha.
I never really thought I would feel spirits again. I have before... I've communicated with spirits before. Different times, man, different times. But yeah, it strengthened me and my knowlege of what is good and evil. The power of discernment is stronger. I can sense it better now.
I just can't wait for him to go back home.
We have been having some strange days here at the dorm and I'm about to tell ya'll about it. However, I do have to warn ya'll, it is mildly creepy. Well, to me, it's just down-right scary, but that is because I am living this. I can't make this crap up, so don't question the validity of this, either.
About five nights ago, Brittany walked into her room that she shared with Sarai and she saw a white spirit/presence. She was completely freaked out but didn't want to freak us all out, so she just started to do her homework. Twenty minutes later, Sarai walked into the room and saw a white spirit/presence on her bed. She looked and Brittany and saw its face taking over Brittany's. Brittany could then tell that Sarai had seen it too. Sarai tried to pray to get rid of the presence that was in the room, but it took away her ability to pray; it wouldn't let her speak. She told me all about that occurance the day after it had happened.
A few nights ago, Elena had a nightmare that this white presence was chasing her, trying to catch her to kill her. She called Danny when she woke up and told him about it. She told us about it and Kristin freaked out saying that she had that dream as well.
Kristin's friend, who wants to be more than just that, flew all the way from Alabama to visit her this Valentine's weekend. He spent over 1400 dollars to do this. He is in the army. He is mad scary. He refuses to go anywhere without his huge pocket-knife. He lurks. He stalks. He is just mad scary.
Sarai, Brittany and I were in my room talking about how we got mad freaky vibes from him. When I first saw him, it was only a fleeting glance, and then, next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom scrubbing at my hands hxc with my super exfoliating [aka rough] bar of soap. I couldn't scrub hard enough or long enough to feel clean. My hands were bright pink when I was finally done scrubbing. While I was exiting the bathroom, I heard him say how he can always guess when Kristin is going to call, when she is in a bad mood and he can guess what number someone is thinking of. Elena, Brittany and Sarai made him guess their numbers, 1-100... he got their numbers every time. He guessed mine, too.
At dinner, he was mad grimy. I didn't go, so I only heard a few things back from my roomies how grimy he was. He made it clear to my gimpy room-mate that she wouldn't be able to get away if someone were after her, cause of her gimp leg. When asked a question, he pauses then responds with what we would like to hear. His eyes are empty. He never shows any emotion. I've seen him smile once and that was when Kristin made a joke.
After he left for the night, Brittany told Kristin how she got a bad vibe from him. Kristin surprised us by saying she did, too, and that is why she made him go home early. She didn't feel right around him. We had a group meeting and talked about it and how we all get mad creeped out by him. We all agreed he seemed evil. Then the circumstance really dawned on Kristin. He really was evil..... she started spazzing out. Sarai called our FHE brother, Stephen, and he came over to give blessings to all but me. [I didn't want one.] In the blessing for Kristin, Stephen mentioned how Heavenly Father would be watching over her family. We never thought of her family. While they were all getting their blessings, I had a "vision" of sorts, and don't think I'm crazy. In this vision I saw Caleb coming up to the window, knife in hand, then he moved to the door, knocking and realizing that it was actually locked. Then the handle started shaking and I heard a scraping noise and the door opened.
After Stephen left, I shared what I had seen. Elena and Brittany had seen the same thing. Everyone got thouroughly freaked out. Kristin started sobbing. She felt like this entire thing was her fault. We locked the door and put furniture in front of it. We had a couple of prayers and then I read psalm 23. I realize it is used for like, funerals and stuff, but it talks about the valley of darkness and evil and all that and how we can't stray from the Iron Rod.
We all got our bedding and brought it into Kristin's room. Sarai brought her huge kitchen knife. Kristin heated up wax.... to use as self defense.....[?] HAHA. We were just all chilling and listening to hymns online when all of a sudden we all heard knocking. Mind you, this was 2am, it wasn't the girl scouts. This went on for about an hour.... knocking... foot steps... banging... movement... we were sufficiently freaked out.
He is still here and he still freaks us out. He wants something from Kristin and is frustrated he isn't getting it. He is military trained. He is frightening. Haha.
I never really thought I would feel spirits again. I have before... I've communicated with spirits before. Different times, man, different times. But yeah, it strengthened me and my knowlege of what is good and evil. The power of discernment is stronger. I can sense it better now.
I just can't wait for him to go back home.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
In the hot, stuffy gymnasium of Farmington High School, I could feel the hundreds of sweaty people pressing in around me, breathing in the same thickened humid air that I was forced to breathe. This small gym was usually occupied by physical education classes and the occasional class skippers who would much rather shoot hoops than read The Epic of Gilgamesh. Today, however, the gym was transformed. Two hundred folding chairs faced the front of the gym and the bleachers, usually tucked away to allow for extra space in the physical education classes, were pulled out to their full capacity. Even with the five hundred additional seats provided by the bleachers, and even with the two hundred seats the folding chairs provided, many people were left standing in the rear of the gym or huddled together on the floor. After all, this day was a magical day, a day of transformation. This day, June 16th, the class of 2007 was about to leave our halls and stumble out of the building to be blinded by the sun-light and become people of the world. I shifted in my seat, anxious for the ceremony to begin. Just then, the dreaded music began and the slow, melancholy march commenced. In one massive movement, everyone in the gym quickly came to their feet to watch the seniors, clad in the color of mourning, as they sauntered, sometimes out of step, down the main aisle. I watched anxiously as my friends, my class-mates, and my high-school family walked past me; next year, it would be me in their place. Someone said a prayer over the graduating class, the speakers said their words of encouragement, and our principle handed out the diplomas. A loud cheer erupted from both the new graduates and those in the crowd. In the eighteen or so short years of each of his or her lives, this was the biggest event thus far. I could not wait for this day of celebration, this day of sheer elation to be mine.
JT LaMantia, a recent graduate of Farmington High School, class of 2007 had plans to celebrate his graduation, like most teens usually do. He made appearances at several parties over the weekend of graduation, but June 19th was his day. That Tuesday was the day he celebrated his liberation from that cruel institution of learning. In Farmington’s bordering town of Middleton, JT, his close friends and his girlfriend, Maddie, made plans to stay at a friend’s cabin. Waterfront property on Sunrise Lake, toys for the water, access to the island in the middle of the lake, all at their disposal. As a recent graduate, JT had not a care in the world; everything had panned out perfectly in his life. Oh, yes, he had plans for college, but that was months away. Life seems to go on forever, stretching on eternally in front of us all; why worry about the end so soon? Celebrate the now in life. That was how JT lived. He and his friends went out on the lake that day in those spirits.
JT was a great guy. JT was a typical guy. He was mischievous but genuinely good. He, unlike me, was the person that everyone knew. While I hid behind my books and small group of friends, he was the outgoing guy who had a friend in almost everyone in the school. He always had a quirky smirk on his face. Unlike me, he was very involved in sports; I kept to theatre and chorus. JT played a few years of football and was an amazing basketball player; he played with such passion. Two loves were present in JT’s life, one being basketball, the other being Maddie. Not once did I ever hear anything negative about him, but that isn’t to say I didn’t hear about him. I would hear about him in the halls: how he scored the most points at last night’s game against our rival school, how he planned on taking Maddie to prom in a stretch limo, and once I heard about how he defended a mentally handicapped kid who was being bullied. I often passed him in the halls of Farmington High School. In a school of five hundred, it was hard not to pass someone at least twenty times, know someone’s name, or know his or her business. I doubt he ever heard about my business; unlike him I did not really have any to spread.
June 23rd, 2007, a day I can never forget. Nor will I. Some events in life are the ones we try to forget, but they seem to be engrained permanently in our minds, forever haunting us. We tell ourselves that we ought to forget them. Sometimes it is things that are important to us for some reason unknown to us. Sometimes it is a life altering event. This event was a life altering event for me. I do not even know if it should be. I do not know if it is greedy to claim this event that was not mine as an event that changed my perspective of life. I do not know why, but this day, June 23rd, stays fresh in my mind, constantly replaying in bits and pieces over and over again. Some pieces are void and I have forgotten the exact words that were spoken, but I cannot forget how I felt. Maybe, the reason why I can’t forget is because JT taught me the most important lesson in my life, and I barely knew him.
In the bright light of the early morning sun, I glanced in the mirror to scrutinize my attire for the day. My black heels clicked on the linoleum of the bathroom floor as I backed away from the mirror; I dressed my part perfectly. I never planned on this. I never wanted this. I never expected this. Just at that moment, my mother alerted me to my chauffeur’s presence. Riley, my comrade from the fire department, hugged me quickly, always there when I need him most.
We drove in silence to the Emmanuel Advent Church in our bordering city, Rochester, and pulled into the already packed parking-lot. Walking quickly, we made our way into the church building and found ourselves blending into the sea of black people, all crushed into this small, florally fragrant, room. Never had I seen such a melancholy lot. In the middle of this moving sea of black, there stood a tripod. No one looked directly at it, although I could catch some people looking at it, and then quickly looking away. I walked up to it, stood right in front of it, and gazed at it for a long moment. It was a beautiful collage. Snap-shots of JT’s life decorated the poster board. In the very middle of the collage was the picture taken right after he received his diploma, exactly one week ago. He was grinning in his black cap and gown, his orange flower standing out brashly against the black, his grin piercing. Beside the collage was a table topped with a bouquet of white lilies and a book with various signatures and messages. In these messages were praises of JT’s ambitions, written memories, loving thoughts, and numerously written was the phrase, “Only the good die young.”
I pressed past the ghost in the pictures, past the overly fragrant lilies and into the sanctuary. The air is hot and stuffy. The air is suffocating me, pressing in from all directions, thick and moist, smelling of yet even more lilies, women’s perfume and rank from the odor of hundred of fresh tears. The air carried the sounds of muffled sobs, sniffling, and the air carried the weight of a silence that coincided with the small sounds of grief. I felt oddly claustrophobic in the vast room. I pushed forward through those clamoring around the doorway and I calmly walked to the far back corner of the room which gave me an excellent view of those in the room. I observed the women who grasped and fiddled with their tissues, their faces a faint hue of red. I observed the men who leaned far over, their backs bowed over, head in their hands, trying to make it inconspicuous that they were crying. I observed my fellow class-mates, hugging one another, openly crying into one another’s shoulders, patting backs, stroking hair, comforting each other.
One class-mate I directly observed was previously a great friend to me, almost a brother. He was on the football team with JT and was friends with him as well. Sitting next to his mother in the pew, Chris Greeley leaned on her for support. She patted his light brown, extremely curly hair. I had never seen him so taken by grief before. Like the stereotypical football playing teen-aged boy, he would usually take grief and shake it off, but this time, grief shook him. His cousin, Scotty DePalma sat a few pews over with some family members. I distinctly recall seeing him cry openly. He, too, was on the football team with JT. However, the person who consumed my observation the most was Big Mikey Lemlin. He was one of JT’s good friends. He was the tough guy who was the biggest teddy-bear at the same time. Today, though, there was no tough guy present, purely the boy who was completely affected by the loss of a great friend. I caught only one glimpse of Maddie. She was not crying, but when I looked into her eyes, I knew she was not crying only because she had run out of tears. This event was so surreal to her. She was there at her boyfriend’s final hour. No seventeen year old girl, at the prime of her love-filled relationship, should be able to say that.
The words that were spoken were moving. The words that were spoken were filled with emotion and love and sincere grief. The words are nothing without the emotion. The Chaplain of the Fire Department, a religious man, and father of one of JT’s good friends, spoke. His words did not speak to me; what spoke to me was his anguish over the young man being laid to rest. JT’s aunt spoke over the charity and community spirit. She spoke of how our community bonded together in the time of tragedy. JT’s best friend spoke of the times they shared and the full life JT was able to live in his few short years. He regretted nothing in life because he lived his life to the fullest extent he could. The words of an unfamiliar hymn projected onto the spacious wall of the sanctuary and we sang to the memory of JT LaMantia. The words filled the audience with such remorse that many could not finish singing the hymn. There was no silence when the music ended. The room was filled with wails, sobs and nose blowing.
I wasn’t prepared for the intense emotion that followed. In the front of the room a few men stood up. They stepped past the floral displays and stood at either end of JT’s closed casket. I remember thinking how ironic it was that caskets were made to be so ornate and beautiful at this time of ugly emotion and hateful remorse. Those professional men picked up the casket and began the melancholy march down the center aisle. Big Mikey stood up, reverently, respecting his friend, and in one massive movement, the rest followed suit to watch JT’s final march. Of his short nineteen years on this earth, this was the most significant event, the end of his life. The sorrow in that room was palpable; I could feel it stinging my skin. I could feel the remorse in the tears gushing down my cheeks. It was tangible. I could reach my hand out and grasp at it in the air if I so desired and hold it there, in my hand. So, this was death; this is what death felt like to those who lived.
On June 19th, I heard my father’s fire scanner alert EMT and Fire responders of an incoming medical call. All my life I have heard these ridiculous scanners prattle off calls; I barely pay attention to them at all these days. For some strange reason, I heard this one. “Strafford to all Farmington Fire and EMS responders: please respond mutual-aid to Middleton, Sunrise Lake, for a nineteen year old male, not conscious, not breathing, was involved in a ski-doo accident.” ‘Middleton,’ I thought, ‘that is my neighboring town.’ I stared at the scanner as if it would say, “Cancel Farmington, call is ACTUALLY in Milton.” I don’t know anyone in Milton. Let this happen to someone else’s town. ‘Middleton,’ I thought, ‘kids from Middleton attend school in Farmington.’ Through that scanner, I heard the responders rush to the fire station, their frantic voices declaring their acknowledgement to the emergency. I heard the ambulance sign on marking its departure from downtown Farmington, a solid fifteen minutes away from Sunrise Lake at regular speed. I heard the ambulance as it wailed past my road, and following it the sirens of the engine truck. After that, silence.
Silence spans on for infinity. Thirty seconds seems like hours. Those five minutes lasted an eternity. I left my body behind, imagining who it could be. Maybe it was someone from a different state. Out-of-staters always get into SOME kind of trouble in New Hampshire. Maybe I misheard the age. Maybe the dispatcher said ‘ninety,’ not ‘nineteen.’ The dispatcher was known for mumbling, after all. But, what kind of a ninety year old male goes on a ski-doo? Silence creates insanity.
Finally, I heard a voice over the scanner. CPR was in progress. The EMTs did what is called a ‘scoop-n-go.’ If the person they are tending to has any hope, it is by getting them to the hospital as quickly as humanly possible. I heard no more from the scanner that night.
Myspace is the teenager’s best means of communication and sometimes it is man-kind’s curse. When I logged on I found dozens of bulletin posts informing everyone that someone, SOMEONE, died in a ski-doo accident in Middleton and that two others were injured, critically. The bulletins poured in dozen after dozen until a verdict was finally reached. JT LaMantia had passed away. The details were never shared with the public of how gruesome it was. Rumors spread that he died instantly. Other rumors spread that he received a concussion and then drowned. Some say he felt no pain, but how can we be sure of that? We can only hope.
JT, I never knew you very well, but I learned a great deal from you. You taught me a more valuable lesson than anyone here on this earth could teach me now. I learned the value of a minute. I learned the value of a loved one. Watching Maddie in so much pain scares me. I sometimes remember seeing her after your funeral opening up your old locker and placing a single red rose in there, then silently pressing the locker door shut knowing that you would never meet her there again. Your memory haunts her, I know it still does. She cried herself to sleep for months. “It is the dead, not the living, who make the longest demands.” (Antigone, Sophocles) JT, your demand will remain perpetually. Your demand was to live life; your demand was to love life.
Essay for Foundations English, 101.
In the peer reviews today, the only advice I had was to nix the part about graduation.
I added it for irony and parallelism. Key phrases are re-used in the part about the funeral.
Should I change anything? Make the parallelism more dramatic? Make it more ironic? I was trying to be subtle so that people had to relate to it more.. I don't want to be like "and it was ironic that one week ago the graduates of FHS were in black.. what common color."
Here are the reviews I got.
Reader one:
"The story is really touching! I could really feel myself being there and watching what you watched. I don't like the beginning though, it doesn't really have much to do w/ the whole point of your essay."
To the prompt of: "review the story, looking at the way the suspense builds and resovles itself. Does the drama lose intensity?" "I thought it was good. Drama and tension build. I wanted to keep reading to find out what happened.
To the prompt of: "Point to any descriptive details that are especially effective. Note any places that need for specific description. Also indicate unnecessary descriptions or irrelevant dialog." "I think the whole 'graduation' intro was irrelevant. Maybe just briefly talk about how the class about you had just graduated and it was a time to celebrate."
"You go from past to present a lot. Good conclusion! Great story! Really good sentence structure, for the most part. I was really into the story!"
Then she went thru my paper and I'm convinced that she doesn't appreciate creative writing. She nixed a properly used semi-colon. Here is the example: "I watched anxiously as my friends, my class-mates, and my high-school family walked past me; next year, it would be me in their place." Properly used. Excellent form, Smee! A semi colon brings together two independant clauses. The clause that those people passed me is one clause. The second is that next year it would be me in their place.
"He, unlike me, was the person that everyone knew." The corrector of my paper believes that instead of me, I should write "myself." She also says that that entire paragraph does not flow well. She also says that I should re-word the sentence: "I do not know if it is greedy to claim this event that was not mine as an event that changed my perspective of life." It makes sense to me, especially in context. Haha, she wasn't even consistent in correcting, cause I used "me" instead of "myself" in an identical sentenceeeee. She wasn't done, though. She wrote that I ought to re-word this sentence: "One class-mate I directly observed was previously a great friend to me, almost a brother." I don't find that sentence awkward or confusing. I shouldn't capitalize "Big Mikey" even though it is his nick-name.... and she didn't like my redundancy to make a big point. "The words that were spoken were moving. The words that were spoken were filled with emotion and love and grief." She says I ought to nix the whole second "the words that were spoken" and turn it into an "and."
The other peer-editor just praised my work. Yes, I like that, but come on, tear my paper apart just a smidge. I may complain about it, but it makes me doubt my work and second guess myself.
Now, more than ever, I want to be an editor. :P
So, I couldn't really stand seeing the girl edit my paper; I'm quite bad at taking critisism. But, nonetheless, I still want it.
This may be mostly to Bex, but edit my paper, please? :P I won't slam YOU on my blog... but that is because you're not a general snot in class as well.
Elena, my room-mate has been listening to the same song on repeat for the last 24 hours.. Nay, not listening to, meerly, singing along with.. Granted, I know I listen to the same songs sometimes time and time again...... but this is taking it to a new extreme.
JT LaMantia, a recent graduate of Farmington High School, class of 2007 had plans to celebrate his graduation, like most teens usually do. He made appearances at several parties over the weekend of graduation, but June 19th was his day. That Tuesday was the day he celebrated his liberation from that cruel institution of learning. In Farmington’s bordering town of Middleton, JT, his close friends and his girlfriend, Maddie, made plans to stay at a friend’s cabin. Waterfront property on Sunrise Lake, toys for the water, access to the island in the middle of the lake, all at their disposal. As a recent graduate, JT had not a care in the world; everything had panned out perfectly in his life. Oh, yes, he had plans for college, but that was months away. Life seems to go on forever, stretching on eternally in front of us all; why worry about the end so soon? Celebrate the now in life. That was how JT lived. He and his friends went out on the lake that day in those spirits.
JT was a great guy. JT was a typical guy. He was mischievous but genuinely good. He, unlike me, was the person that everyone knew. While I hid behind my books and small group of friends, he was the outgoing guy who had a friend in almost everyone in the school. He always had a quirky smirk on his face. Unlike me, he was very involved in sports; I kept to theatre and chorus. JT played a few years of football and was an amazing basketball player; he played with such passion. Two loves were present in JT’s life, one being basketball, the other being Maddie. Not once did I ever hear anything negative about him, but that isn’t to say I didn’t hear about him. I would hear about him in the halls: how he scored the most points at last night’s game against our rival school, how he planned on taking Maddie to prom in a stretch limo, and once I heard about how he defended a mentally handicapped kid who was being bullied. I often passed him in the halls of Farmington High School. In a school of five hundred, it was hard not to pass someone at least twenty times, know someone’s name, or know his or her business. I doubt he ever heard about my business; unlike him I did not really have any to spread.
June 23rd, 2007, a day I can never forget. Nor will I. Some events in life are the ones we try to forget, but they seem to be engrained permanently in our minds, forever haunting us. We tell ourselves that we ought to forget them. Sometimes it is things that are important to us for some reason unknown to us. Sometimes it is a life altering event. This event was a life altering event for me. I do not even know if it should be. I do not know if it is greedy to claim this event that was not mine as an event that changed my perspective of life. I do not know why, but this day, June 23rd, stays fresh in my mind, constantly replaying in bits and pieces over and over again. Some pieces are void and I have forgotten the exact words that were spoken, but I cannot forget how I felt. Maybe, the reason why I can’t forget is because JT taught me the most important lesson in my life, and I barely knew him.
In the bright light of the early morning sun, I glanced in the mirror to scrutinize my attire for the day. My black heels clicked on the linoleum of the bathroom floor as I backed away from the mirror; I dressed my part perfectly. I never planned on this. I never wanted this. I never expected this. Just at that moment, my mother alerted me to my chauffeur’s presence. Riley, my comrade from the fire department, hugged me quickly, always there when I need him most.
We drove in silence to the Emmanuel Advent Church in our bordering city, Rochester, and pulled into the already packed parking-lot. Walking quickly, we made our way into the church building and found ourselves blending into the sea of black people, all crushed into this small, florally fragrant, room. Never had I seen such a melancholy lot. In the middle of this moving sea of black, there stood a tripod. No one looked directly at it, although I could catch some people looking at it, and then quickly looking away. I walked up to it, stood right in front of it, and gazed at it for a long moment. It was a beautiful collage. Snap-shots of JT’s life decorated the poster board. In the very middle of the collage was the picture taken right after he received his diploma, exactly one week ago. He was grinning in his black cap and gown, his orange flower standing out brashly against the black, his grin piercing. Beside the collage was a table topped with a bouquet of white lilies and a book with various signatures and messages. In these messages were praises of JT’s ambitions, written memories, loving thoughts, and numerously written was the phrase, “Only the good die young.”
I pressed past the ghost in the pictures, past the overly fragrant lilies and into the sanctuary. The air is hot and stuffy. The air is suffocating me, pressing in from all directions, thick and moist, smelling of yet even more lilies, women’s perfume and rank from the odor of hundred of fresh tears. The air carried the sounds of muffled sobs, sniffling, and the air carried the weight of a silence that coincided with the small sounds of grief. I felt oddly claustrophobic in the vast room. I pushed forward through those clamoring around the doorway and I calmly walked to the far back corner of the room which gave me an excellent view of those in the room. I observed the women who grasped and fiddled with their tissues, their faces a faint hue of red. I observed the men who leaned far over, their backs bowed over, head in their hands, trying to make it inconspicuous that they were crying. I observed my fellow class-mates, hugging one another, openly crying into one another’s shoulders, patting backs, stroking hair, comforting each other.
One class-mate I directly observed was previously a great friend to me, almost a brother. He was on the football team with JT and was friends with him as well. Sitting next to his mother in the pew, Chris Greeley leaned on her for support. She patted his light brown, extremely curly hair. I had never seen him so taken by grief before. Like the stereotypical football playing teen-aged boy, he would usually take grief and shake it off, but this time, grief shook him. His cousin, Scotty DePalma sat a few pews over with some family members. I distinctly recall seeing him cry openly. He, too, was on the football team with JT. However, the person who consumed my observation the most was Big Mikey Lemlin. He was one of JT’s good friends. He was the tough guy who was the biggest teddy-bear at the same time. Today, though, there was no tough guy present, purely the boy who was completely affected by the loss of a great friend. I caught only one glimpse of Maddie. She was not crying, but when I looked into her eyes, I knew she was not crying only because she had run out of tears. This event was so surreal to her. She was there at her boyfriend’s final hour. No seventeen year old girl, at the prime of her love-filled relationship, should be able to say that.
The words that were spoken were moving. The words that were spoken were filled with emotion and love and sincere grief. The words are nothing without the emotion. The Chaplain of the Fire Department, a religious man, and father of one of JT’s good friends, spoke. His words did not speak to me; what spoke to me was his anguish over the young man being laid to rest. JT’s aunt spoke over the charity and community spirit. She spoke of how our community bonded together in the time of tragedy. JT’s best friend spoke of the times they shared and the full life JT was able to live in his few short years. He regretted nothing in life because he lived his life to the fullest extent he could. The words of an unfamiliar hymn projected onto the spacious wall of the sanctuary and we sang to the memory of JT LaMantia. The words filled the audience with such remorse that many could not finish singing the hymn. There was no silence when the music ended. The room was filled with wails, sobs and nose blowing.
I wasn’t prepared for the intense emotion that followed. In the front of the room a few men stood up. They stepped past the floral displays and stood at either end of JT’s closed casket. I remember thinking how ironic it was that caskets were made to be so ornate and beautiful at this time of ugly emotion and hateful remorse. Those professional men picked up the casket and began the melancholy march down the center aisle. Big Mikey stood up, reverently, respecting his friend, and in one massive movement, the rest followed suit to watch JT’s final march. Of his short nineteen years on this earth, this was the most significant event, the end of his life. The sorrow in that room was palpable; I could feel it stinging my skin. I could feel the remorse in the tears gushing down my cheeks. It was tangible. I could reach my hand out and grasp at it in the air if I so desired and hold it there, in my hand. So, this was death; this is what death felt like to those who lived.
On June 19th, I heard my father’s fire scanner alert EMT and Fire responders of an incoming medical call. All my life I have heard these ridiculous scanners prattle off calls; I barely pay attention to them at all these days. For some strange reason, I heard this one. “Strafford to all Farmington Fire and EMS responders: please respond mutual-aid to Middleton, Sunrise Lake, for a nineteen year old male, not conscious, not breathing, was involved in a ski-doo accident.” ‘Middleton,’ I thought, ‘that is my neighboring town.’ I stared at the scanner as if it would say, “Cancel Farmington, call is ACTUALLY in Milton.” I don’t know anyone in Milton. Let this happen to someone else’s town. ‘Middleton,’ I thought, ‘kids from Middleton attend school in Farmington.’ Through that scanner, I heard the responders rush to the fire station, their frantic voices declaring their acknowledgement to the emergency. I heard the ambulance sign on marking its departure from downtown Farmington, a solid fifteen minutes away from Sunrise Lake at regular speed. I heard the ambulance as it wailed past my road, and following it the sirens of the engine truck. After that, silence.
Silence spans on for infinity. Thirty seconds seems like hours. Those five minutes lasted an eternity. I left my body behind, imagining who it could be. Maybe it was someone from a different state. Out-of-staters always get into SOME kind of trouble in New Hampshire. Maybe I misheard the age. Maybe the dispatcher said ‘ninety,’ not ‘nineteen.’ The dispatcher was known for mumbling, after all. But, what kind of a ninety year old male goes on a ski-doo? Silence creates insanity.
Finally, I heard a voice over the scanner. CPR was in progress. The EMTs did what is called a ‘scoop-n-go.’ If the person they are tending to has any hope, it is by getting them to the hospital as quickly as humanly possible. I heard no more from the scanner that night.
Myspace is the teenager’s best means of communication and sometimes it is man-kind’s curse. When I logged on I found dozens of bulletin posts informing everyone that someone, SOMEONE, died in a ski-doo accident in Middleton and that two others were injured, critically. The bulletins poured in dozen after dozen until a verdict was finally reached. JT LaMantia had passed away. The details were never shared with the public of how gruesome it was. Rumors spread that he died instantly. Other rumors spread that he received a concussion and then drowned. Some say he felt no pain, but how can we be sure of that? We can only hope.
JT, I never knew you very well, but I learned a great deal from you. You taught me a more valuable lesson than anyone here on this earth could teach me now. I learned the value of a minute. I learned the value of a loved one. Watching Maddie in so much pain scares me. I sometimes remember seeing her after your funeral opening up your old locker and placing a single red rose in there, then silently pressing the locker door shut knowing that you would never meet her there again. Your memory haunts her, I know it still does. She cried herself to sleep for months. “It is the dead, not the living, who make the longest demands.” (Antigone, Sophocles) JT, your demand will remain perpetually. Your demand was to live life; your demand was to love life.
Essay for Foundations English, 101.
In the peer reviews today, the only advice I had was to nix the part about graduation.
I added it for irony and parallelism. Key phrases are re-used in the part about the funeral.
Should I change anything? Make the parallelism more dramatic? Make it more ironic? I was trying to be subtle so that people had to relate to it more.. I don't want to be like "and it was ironic that one week ago the graduates of FHS were in black.. what common color."
Here are the reviews I got.
Reader one:
"The story is really touching! I could really feel myself being there and watching what you watched. I don't like the beginning though, it doesn't really have much to do w/ the whole point of your essay."
To the prompt of: "review the story, looking at the way the suspense builds and resovles itself. Does the drama lose intensity?" "I thought it was good. Drama and tension build. I wanted to keep reading to find out what happened.
To the prompt of: "Point to any descriptive details that are especially effective. Note any places that need for specific description. Also indicate unnecessary descriptions or irrelevant dialog." "I think the whole 'graduation' intro was irrelevant. Maybe just briefly talk about how the class about you had just graduated and it was a time to celebrate."
"You go from past to present a lot. Good conclusion! Great story! Really good sentence structure, for the most part. I was really into the story!"
Then she went thru my paper and I'm convinced that she doesn't appreciate creative writing. She nixed a properly used semi-colon. Here is the example: "I watched anxiously as my friends, my class-mates, and my high-school family walked past me; next year, it would be me in their place." Properly used. Excellent form, Smee! A semi colon brings together two independant clauses. The clause that those people passed me is one clause. The second is that next year it would be me in their place.
"He, unlike me, was the person that everyone knew." The corrector of my paper believes that instead of me, I should write "myself." She also says that that entire paragraph does not flow well. She also says that I should re-word the sentence: "I do not know if it is greedy to claim this event that was not mine as an event that changed my perspective of life." It makes sense to me, especially in context. Haha, she wasn't even consistent in correcting, cause I used "me" instead of "myself" in an identical sentenceeeee. She wasn't done, though. She wrote that I ought to re-word this sentence: "One class-mate I directly observed was previously a great friend to me, almost a brother." I don't find that sentence awkward or confusing. I shouldn't capitalize "Big Mikey" even though it is his nick-name.... and she didn't like my redundancy to make a big point. "The words that were spoken were moving. The words that were spoken were filled with emotion and love and grief." She says I ought to nix the whole second "the words that were spoken" and turn it into an "and."
The other peer-editor just praised my work. Yes, I like that, but come on, tear my paper apart just a smidge. I may complain about it, but it makes me doubt my work and second guess myself.
Now, more than ever, I want to be an editor. :P
So, I couldn't really stand seeing the girl edit my paper; I'm quite bad at taking critisism. But, nonetheless, I still want it.
This may be mostly to Bex, but edit my paper, please? :P I won't slam YOU on my blog... but that is because you're not a general snot in class as well.
Elena, my room-mate has been listening to the same song on repeat for the last 24 hours.. Nay, not listening to, meerly, singing along with.. Granted, I know I listen to the same songs sometimes time and time again...... but this is taking it to a new extreme.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Where is that old friend gone?
Lost in a February song. Tell him it won't be long till he opens his eyes.
This is all in a passive tone. Forgive me for being so passive. :P
I've been up all night thinking [and studying]. I want to be such a righteous person, this I know to be true; this I believe. However, when I'm constantly surrounded by deeds that are not righteous, it is difficu
lt to adhere to that goal. I'm not sure if I can stay in this dorm... I love the girls and it isn't as if they are Satan's workers, however, it seems like every temptation I've ever had issue with is present in this dorm. No, I'm positive that every tempation I've ever had is present here. I would like to be able to go up to my head resident and say "Hi, I am struggling with my room-mates struggles, can I have a new dorm?" That is weak. I want to be able to overcome my room-mates' struggles and mine own all at once. Swearing has been re-introduced into my life, something that I worked so hard to abolish from my common vernacular. Thoughts I haven't allowed myself to think in AGES have been re-thought because of late night conversations. I don't think such topics need to be discussed. It is difficult here, I'm not going to lie, and my testimony has been shaken a smidge. I have to say, testimony day back home is way more satisfying than testimony meeting here. Maybe it is merely because I know everyone back home.. maybe not. I think I miss hearing Cambry's testimony. =]
lt to adhere to that goal. I'm not sure if I can stay in this dorm... I love the girls and it isn't as if they are Satan's workers, however, it seems like every temptation I've ever had issue with is present in this dorm. No, I'm positive that every tempation I've ever had is present here. I would like to be able to go up to my head resident and say "Hi, I am struggling with my room-mates struggles, can I have a new dorm?" That is weak. I want to be able to overcome my room-mates' struggles and mine own all at once. Swearing has been re-introduced into my life, something that I worked so hard to abolish from my common vernacular. Thoughts I haven't allowed myself to think in AGES have been re-thought because of late night conversations. I don't think such topics need to be discussed. It is difficult here, I'm not going to lie, and my testimony has been shaken a smidge. I have to say, testimony day back home is way more satisfying than testimony meeting here. Maybe it is merely because I know everyone back home.. maybe not. I think I miss hearing Cambry's testimony. =]
I have been finding comfort around here, though. People of like mind who have similar struggles who WANT to work through their struggles, too, to find their way back home. I want that, too, and so being with this group of people was so completely uplifting. It was one of two very spiritual experiences here in Idaho and it was, without a doubt, the best night I have had in Idaho since the big move out here.
Just...... jump. Jump into whatever your obstacle may be. Don't look before you leap, leap with faith that you'll land safely. This is my crazy friend, Garrett, jumping from my dorm's balcony. Yes, this is the only entertainment in Rexburg on any given afternoon.. aside from cow-tipping.
P.S.- Yes, it is legit 4:45 in the morning. Yes, I stayed up all night. Yes, I will be staying up all night again for another test. Hip hip hooray. They test us constantly here. It reminds me of back home. Rawr.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Okay, for real
This is the best one I have ever done. IF YOU DO THIS, DO NOT LOOK AT THE RESULTS FIRST.
1)There is a cube.
How big is the cube? The same height as I.
What is its color? What do you think about that color? All colors
How far away is it from you? Right in front of me.
Is it transparent? Can you see what is inside? No.. like, you can catch some blurry shadows, but you can't see exactly what is inside.
How big is the cube compared to the desert? What is the ratio? The desert goes on as far as the eye can see, but the cube is just a speck in the desert.
2) There is a ladder.
Is the ladder leaning on the cube? Yes.
What is the color of the ladder? What is it made of? It is a reddish brown made of stained maple.
What impression does it give you? It isn't in use, but it could be at any moment.
What is the distance between the cube and the ladder? Err, it's leaning on the cube... so directly touching the cube.
3) There is a horse.
What is the distance between the cube and the horse? about a dozen feet.
What is the color of the horse? Dark chestnut brown.
What impression does it give you? It's positively beautiful and powerful.
Is it tied? Is there a saddle? No and no. Haha. It is standing in front of a post where it could be tied, but it is not.
4) There is a storm.What is the distance between the storm and the cube. It is on the horizon where you can see the lightning strikes, but just barely.
Is it a big storm or a small storm?It's big.
Is it passing by or staying? It's going to go near me, but not over-head.
5) There is a flower/ there are flowers.
How many flowers are there? a few dozen.
Where is/are the flower/s? Inside the cube.
What is the color of the flower/s?A deep deep red.
How do you feel about the flower/s? they are beautiful but not accessable.
Answers:Cube : The cube represents yourself. How you think about the cube reflects how you think about yourself. For example, you may think the cube is made of yellow stones. Yellow may give you a feeling of warmth and stone may give you a feeling of strength. Then, it means that you believe that you are a strong and warm person. The distance between you and the cube reflects your understanding about yourself. If the cube is far away, then it means that you do not feel close to your inner self. If the cube is transparent, that means you let people see through you. People can read your mind easily. The ratio of the cube to the desert is how you think about yourself in this world. The bigger the ratio, the bigger your ego is. A small ratio means that you recognize that you are just one part of this world and there are many other things out there beside you.
Ladder : The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning against the cube, then it means that your friends depend on you. If the ladder is supporting the cube, that means you depend on your friends. The distance between the ladder and the cube indicates if you feel close to your friends or not. Again, how you feel about the ladder reflects how you feel about your friends (e.g.. what you feel about the color of the ladder and the material it is made of).
Horse : The horse is your lover. If the horse is close to the cube, then it means that you are close to your lover. If the horse is tied or has a saddle on it, then it means that you like to control your lover. As before, the impression of the horse reflects the impression you have of your lover.
Storm : The storm is the obstacle in your life. If the storm is close to the cube/ stationary, then you are always experiencing hardship in your life. If the storm is small, then it means the obstacle in your life is quite small.
Flower/s : The flower represents your offspring/ If the flower is close to the cube, that means you are close to your children. Again, what you feel about the flower indicates the feelings you have towards your children.
1)There is a cube.
How big is the cube? The same height as I.
What is its color? What do you think about that color? All colors
How far away is it from you? Right in front of me.
Is it transparent? Can you see what is inside? No.. like, you can catch some blurry shadows, but you can't see exactly what is inside.
How big is the cube compared to the desert? What is the ratio? The desert goes on as far as the eye can see, but the cube is just a speck in the desert.
2) There is a ladder.
Is the ladder leaning on the cube? Yes.
What is the color of the ladder? What is it made of? It is a reddish brown made of stained maple.
What impression does it give you? It isn't in use, but it could be at any moment.
What is the distance between the cube and the ladder? Err, it's leaning on the cube... so directly touching the cube.
3) There is a horse.
What is the distance between the cube and the horse? about a dozen feet.
What is the color of the horse? Dark chestnut brown.
What impression does it give you? It's positively beautiful and powerful.
Is it tied? Is there a saddle? No and no. Haha. It is standing in front of a post where it could be tied, but it is not.
4) There is a storm.What is the distance between the storm and the cube. It is on the horizon where you can see the lightning strikes, but just barely.
Is it a big storm or a small storm?It's big.
Is it passing by or staying? It's going to go near me, but not over-head.
5) There is a flower/ there are flowers.
How many flowers are there? a few dozen.
Where is/are the flower/s? Inside the cube.
What is the color of the flower/s?A deep deep red.
How do you feel about the flower/s? they are beautiful but not accessable.
Answers:Cube : The cube represents yourself. How you think about the cube reflects how you think about yourself. For example, you may think the cube is made of yellow stones. Yellow may give you a feeling of warmth and stone may give you a feeling of strength. Then, it means that you believe that you are a strong and warm person. The distance between you and the cube reflects your understanding about yourself. If the cube is far away, then it means that you do not feel close to your inner self. If the cube is transparent, that means you let people see through you. People can read your mind easily. The ratio of the cube to the desert is how you think about yourself in this world. The bigger the ratio, the bigger your ego is. A small ratio means that you recognize that you are just one part of this world and there are many other things out there beside you.
Ladder : The ladder represents your friends. If the ladder is leaning against the cube, then it means that your friends depend on you. If the ladder is supporting the cube, that means you depend on your friends. The distance between the ladder and the cube indicates if you feel close to your friends or not. Again, how you feel about the ladder reflects how you feel about your friends (e.g.. what you feel about the color of the ladder and the material it is made of).
Horse : The horse is your lover. If the horse is close to the cube, then it means that you are close to your lover. If the horse is tied or has a saddle on it, then it means that you like to control your lover. As before, the impression of the horse reflects the impression you have of your lover.
Storm : The storm is the obstacle in your life. If the storm is close to the cube/ stationary, then you are always experiencing hardship in your life. If the storm is small, then it means the obstacle in your life is quite small.
Flower/s : The flower represents your offspring/ If the flower is close to the cube, that means you are close to your children. Again, what you feel about the flower indicates the feelings you have towards your children.
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