I keep having rough day after rough day out here. This goes wrong, that goes wrong. Drama here, drama there, and I don't know if it is completely due to Selena or not. But, last night I learned more about Selena and I'm pissed. I'm repulsed. I was near vomit status. For real. I can't take it anymore. There is no feeling of peaceful Spirit here. None at all. It's ridiculous. It makes me hate it here, but at the same time, I DON'T want to go home. But I do? It's all so very confusing.
So, I have a lot of frustration when it comes to music. What I do know, I've taught myself. Or, rather, I had like, 3-5 months [8-12 formal lessons] about music. That means singing and sight-singing and SOME training on the piano. Never have I gotten a full comprehension of music. And I don't have the patience or will-power to teach myself completely. I used to spy on Mr. Martinez when he gave lessons so that I could over-hear his instruction. I got actual lessons from Mr. Martinez for a few months and I tried to take everything he said to heart and to commit it to memory. Everything I learned from his wife, Jane, I tried to do the same for. She is the one who taught me to sing opera-style. She and I fought often... And the music at my school? HAHAH. What a laughing riot. The only thing I learned from High School when it came to music is to listen ONLY to the melody. Carry only the melody. But then again, we primarily sang ONLY the melody, so I have four years of melody
only music. So, throw in a harmony line and I have NO idea what is going on. The only stuff I know on sound-stuff is from my FORMAL training. Crescendo, Decrescendo, whatever PP means, mezzo piano, piano, mezzo forte, forte, fortizzimo. I don't even think those are spelled correctly. I don't understand time signatures, except for what Gabe has tried to teach me. I don't really understand the different keys, except for what little Gabe has tried to teach me. I sing by ear and ear only. When someone gives me a starting note, I can TRY to follow along going by the notes on the page... but I usually fail. I've been brought up, by my dad, to think that music runs in the family; it should come naturally to me. Just like driving a John Deere. Just like driving a stick [which pretty much did..] You're a part of this family, so you aren't good at math. You're part of this family so you appreciate cleanliness/order. You're a Gladding so you multi-task. You're a Grundner so you're depressed. You're a Gladding, so you're obsessed with money. So on so forth. So, I've never tried to be good at math; I'm a Gladding. I love tractors; I'm a Gladding. I get depression; I'm a Grundner. I can sing; I'm a Gladding. But, I've never had opportunity or will-power to be GOOD at my Gladding-inherited trait.
only music. So, throw in a harmony line and I have NO idea what is going on. The only stuff I know on sound-stuff is from my FORMAL training. Crescendo, Decrescendo, whatever PP means, mezzo piano, piano, mezzo forte, forte, fortizzimo. I don't even think those are spelled correctly. I don't understand time signatures, except for what Gabe has tried to teach me. I don't really understand the different keys, except for what little Gabe has tried to teach me. I sing by ear and ear only. When someone gives me a starting note, I can TRY to follow along going by the notes on the page... but I usually fail. I've been brought up, by my dad, to think that music runs in the family; it should come naturally to me. Just like driving a John Deere. Just like driving a stick [which pretty much did..] You're a part of this family, so you aren't good at math. You're part of this family so you appreciate cleanliness/order. You're a Gladding so you multi-task. You're a Grundner so you're depressed. You're a Gladding, so you're obsessed with money. So on so forth. So, I've never tried to be good at math; I'm a Gladding. I love tractors; I'm a Gladding. I get depression; I'm a Grundner. I can sing; I'm a Gladding. But, I've never had opportunity or will-power to be GOOD at my Gladding-inherited trait. I'm expected to sing. I'm expected to be good at it. Here lies the problem. I don't FEEL good about it. I feel naive, stupid, ignorant... inadequate. I do like singing, that isn't the issue.. it's just.. frustrating.
I'm so mad that I missed the melody line today. I'm so mad that I messed up. Jane pointed out to me that when I think I'm going to screw up, I don't even try to do whatever it is that I should be doing. She taught me singing, so, when she introduced a new song to me, she would give me the sheet music and say, "okay, we're going to sing this now." She would not even show me how the melody went so when she started to play the piano I wouldn't know where to come in, so I wouldn't. I wouldn't know the note to sing, so I wouldn't.
I'm sorry I flipped out. It's just..... I'm self conscious about how ignorant I am...
1 comment:
I love you. And you sound like an angel. For serious, I don't care that you didn't make the notes today. That wasn't the goal. The goal was for people to feel the Spirit, which they did. Everybody loved it.
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