126.

After having this blog for over a year, I still cannot find the "new entry" button without confusion. *palmface*

Anyway, in regards to 125, I have some follow up:

I don't want to forget my past, that isn't the point. The point is that it is hard for me to be here, anywhere near here, when people base their opinions on me from my past and expect me to be the past me. If I mention that I used to hang out with so and so, they expect me to still be that person who hung out with so and so who does who knows what now.

Ex. - I stated that I used to be wicked good friends with this one guy on the department. We were super tight; I even asked this kid to prom. Well, said person that I work with was like, "holy cow, I am dating his brother!" and she starts telling me stories about what they all do together: get wasted. So, she starts asking about the relationship I used to have with this kid and I tell her what we used to do together and I emphasized "USED TO DO." Most of it was innocent, but some of it was naht. So, she asked me to hang out with them. I would LOVE to hang out with them and agreed to it. Later on in the week she informed me that it was actually going to be a party. I turned hesitant knowing how this kid could 'party' but still wanted to see him so I was still going to go. The next day I remembered something that this kid once said to me, "Cat, it is my lifelong goal to get you shtfaced, cause you would make one hell of a fcking drunk and I would love to see it." Plans canceled.

I know that if I hang out with old friends, I will forget myself and meld into the 'old cat.' Even when I hang out with my two high school best friends, it's hard. When I hung out with them I was very interested in their, ehm, livelihoods and around the cussing I broke and lapsed. It's so easy for me to relax and be the old me, which I don't know if I like that. Shouldn't I be able to relax and not worry about the old me, or should I relax and be myself in essence? THAT is why I don't like being judged by my past, because when I am judged by my past, and people know my past, then I am more likely to relax and be that past. When I foraged new grounds, no one knew my past and I sure as hell didn't want anyone to know. So when I was at ease there, I was zen. Being my old self there would have shocked people and they would have led me to the Bishop's office with pitchforks at my back, but here, hardly anyone gives a hoot if I say something foul or make allusions to something not chaste. In fact, they would say, "glad to have you back, Cat."

The past is fine if you're the only one who holds the key to that locked box.
So, I guess I'm just going to have to carefully murder everyone who knows about my past, starting with you.