129. Faith

Today is not the best day I have had. Lets just start with the fact that I woke up late and didn't have time to shave. That is a great beginning to a good 'bad day' story, and may as well have been more than you wanted to know.

9:30am - I stroll downstairs determined that I will eat something today since yesterday I forgot to eat until 7pm. Typical scavenging ensues. I see some left over chicken and decide, hey, protein is a great way to start the day! So, I heat it up and remember, I have wheaties! So, I pour myself a bowl of it and top it off with some light vanilla soy milk. So, I'm chowing down and going over my facebook joys when I remember, oh gosh, it's Sunday! I deposit half of the chicken into the garbage and shovel the rest of my wheaties down my throat. I run upstairs and try to find something decent to wear. Hah. That was laughable. All of my old skirts are so worn that they are see through now, and any that aren't see through are not comfortable, too long, too short, black and pink. So, I opt for a black skirt that is too big for me. I throw on some peep-toe black heels and lunge for the door barely remembering to take my phone and wallet out to the truck.

1pm the previous day - I had a conversation with my parents about wanting to take a car to church instead of my huge truck. I had just about a quarter of a tank, so it wasn't a huge deal, but being a future Earth Scientist, I care about the planet, or so I like to think. Therefore, I would rather not drive the gas guzzler everywhere. My parents said that they would be using the car Sunday but I could pester my nana for her car. I opted against it and decided to pollute the planet instead of asking my nana for her car... again.

9: 58am Sunday Morning - I notice that I have hairy legs and have two options. Shave and be late or don't shave and be on time. I hate being late. Guess my pick.

10am Sunday Morning - I turn the key and voila! I have just under an 1/8th of a tank. I know dad used it yesterday, so I call him up wondering if he drove to Kansas or something. Nope, just around town, he says, and he also said that I had an 1/8th of a tank when he took it. Likely story, I think as I start driving. Well, I get to rt. 11 near the town line when I notice my phone lit up. It's a text from my father saying, "take mom's car." Excuse me?! Didn't they say they were going to be using that car? Why yes, they did say that. So I call him up since he gets mighty pissed when I text and drive, and told him that I was already in Rochester and asked him why he didn't share this valuable bit of info earlier. He assumed that I would see the car in the garage on my way out the door. I hate the garage and never use it. I use the front door. Always have. So his assumption? I won't spell it out for you.

10:20am - The pleasant icon in the corner of the dashboard lit up a nice shade of orange to politely inform me that if I don't get gas, I will die. At least, that's how my truck like's to explain it. When the gas light turns on, it isn't a nice little, "you may want to get gas soon, dearie," kind of light, it's a "FEED ME NOW, MORONIC DRIVER," kind of light. My truck and i have a way of getting to know these things. I have always made it home, but may or may not have had to get a red gas can and make a trip to the local gas pump to get fuel for the beast. So, I start scoping out gas stops on my way to church figuring, hey, if I'm going to have to get gas on my way home, I may as well get the cheapest gas out there.

10:30am - I realized that I left my coat at home.

11am-12pm - good talks that really spoke to me. Especially that one from Sister Smith that said that there is no excuse to not be prepared for the Sabbath and we should never break the Sabbath by justifying our purchases or outings. Gulp.

12-1pm - I have just one little Sunbeam to teach, so I couldn't do my little 'Agape Meal' idea since it takes more than two people to get the point across. Oh well, another time. Lauren and I had a marvelous time, though, talking about Jesus and how He is a good example and how SHE, too, can be a good example. Then we feasted on Starbursts. Unfortunately, the building's furnace died and sacrament was a little nippy, but the primary wing was positively freezing. Lauren and I kept the door open hoping for warmer air to circulate into the room and shivered together. Due to this chill factor, we didn't have a third hour and went home.

1:30 - I start home precariously. My gas light is still on. I use hills to my advantage and I may or may not have run a red light. But praying and singing church songs, I made it home with enough gas to not have to break the Sabbath. This is the point of my whole entry today. Physically speaking, and historically speaking, when a gas light turns on, it usually means you have 1 or 2 gallons left in your tank. 1 gallon for me means 12 miles. Church is about 15 miles away from my house. Luck or divine intervention?

Faith.

128. Me

On my way home from work today I began to think about things that I liked.

I like my job.
I like the fact that I'm losing weight.
I like the people I work with.
I like the way my hair looks, even when it's messy, [YAY TMAI! haha]
I like the way my room looks and feels.
I like to wake up early.
And so on and so forth.
Then I just thought to myself, 'you know what? I like me.'
I feel empowered and I feel gratified. No, not everything in my life is going perfectly. I'm not glam, skinny, rich and getting my way. That would be perfection. In fact, nothing in my life is going perfectly, really. I have a decent job that pays decently where I'm lucky if I get any fifteen minute breaks where I have to stand outside in the freezing cold for hours at a time and clean up after people constantly. I have no money, really. I don't have a car. I don't have steady credit. I have debt. I can't figure out what I want to do when I grow up, but something is telling me I need to do something science-y, which is going to be hecka hard for me since in high school I decided that I was never going to do anything concerning science so I barely paid any attention through what science I did take and I didn't take chemistry. My parents get on my nerves too much and I know I'm becoming like my parents. I have a temper because I am over protective of my friends and I'm not sorry to be over protective so I'm not sorry I have a temper concerning that. I'm stubborn and ridiculous. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I like me.


After working at Lowe's for some time now, I realize what I have been missing in my life: BOYS. And no, not in the "I wanna date all men" kind of way either. I haven't really hung out with a guy friend in a while. Tom and I used to chill sometimes, but it was weird. It wasn't laid back as much. Marco and I would hang out, but just sometimes. I still love those two like crazy, don't get me wrong, but the last guy friends I would hang out with, with no inhibitions, was Stangina and Scuba. [Not their real names, don't fret.] Well, working at Lowe's has made non inhibition hanging out with guy time. Becca will tell you about some of the guys because some of them are just so gosh darn cute and funny, I need to talk about them to SOMEONE. So, I do. But honestly, I could never see myself with any of these guys. And that is what I like. Nothing is expected. But that doesn't stop us from flirting mercilessly. And I like that. Ryan and I get along really well. He is on a fire department in Maine, is gawky, awkward and strange. He throws sodas at me and expects me to catch them. To his surprise, I did. Haha. Devin always makes sure that I don't need a loader and always steps up to help customers load their huge purchases so that I don't have to call someone to page someone on the walkie. He always will talk to me and calls me "hun" or "sweetie." Then there is Kollin. When I first met him, it was after being at work for 7 hours so I was feeling very punchy. He asked me a question and I replied something DRIPPING in sarcasm. It was probably something about my name which is always a conversation starter, oddly enough. So, now we have conversations in sarcasm. It's great. Anthony, aweee, he's so cute. :D he is one of our designated 'loaders' and awee, I wish I could describe him better than this. He is wicked laid back and reserved but always willing to help or crack a joke with me. He never seems to have a negative comment and takes criticism well. He is just a wicked sweetie. Ohhhh, guyyyyys. :D


OhAndIJustSpent50DollarsAtAmericanEagleAndThatMakesMeLoveMyLifeEvenMore.
HOOOOODIEEEEEEEES.
Becca, kill me.

127.

I love working at Lowe's. I just wish I could work more than 29 hours per week.
I'm considering a position at the library, but I'm not sure yet...

126.

After having this blog for over a year, I still cannot find the "new entry" button without confusion. *palmface*

Anyway, in regards to 125, I have some follow up:

I don't want to forget my past, that isn't the point. The point is that it is hard for me to be here, anywhere near here, when people base their opinions on me from my past and expect me to be the past me. If I mention that I used to hang out with so and so, they expect me to still be that person who hung out with so and so who does who knows what now.

Ex. - I stated that I used to be wicked good friends with this one guy on the department. We were super tight; I even asked this kid to prom. Well, said person that I work with was like, "holy cow, I am dating his brother!" and she starts telling me stories about what they all do together: get wasted. So, she starts asking about the relationship I used to have with this kid and I tell her what we used to do together and I emphasized "USED TO DO." Most of it was innocent, but some of it was naht. So, she asked me to hang out with them. I would LOVE to hang out with them and agreed to it. Later on in the week she informed me that it was actually going to be a party. I turned hesitant knowing how this kid could 'party' but still wanted to see him so I was still going to go. The next day I remembered something that this kid once said to me, "Cat, it is my lifelong goal to get you shtfaced, cause you would make one hell of a fcking drunk and I would love to see it." Plans canceled.

I know that if I hang out with old friends, I will forget myself and meld into the 'old cat.' Even when I hang out with my two high school best friends, it's hard. When I hung out with them I was very interested in their, ehm, livelihoods and around the cussing I broke and lapsed. It's so easy for me to relax and be the old me, which I don't know if I like that. Shouldn't I be able to relax and not worry about the old me, or should I relax and be myself in essence? THAT is why I don't like being judged by my past, because when I am judged by my past, and people know my past, then I am more likely to relax and be that past. When I foraged new grounds, no one knew my past and I sure as hell didn't want anyone to know. So when I was at ease there, I was zen. Being my old self there would have shocked people and they would have led me to the Bishop's office with pitchforks at my back, but here, hardly anyone gives a hoot if I say something foul or make allusions to something not chaste. In fact, they would say, "glad to have you back, Cat."

The past is fine if you're the only one who holds the key to that locked box.
So, I guess I'm just going to have to carefully murder everyone who knows about my past, starting with you.

125. Survive

I love and envy how my best friend is doing amazingly in Rexburg on her own and everything. I'm so shy without her and she is just so outgoing and in love with life that people can't help but gravitate towards her. Without her, I am so socially awkward; it's just who I am. I'm just so glad that she is able to adjust better than I was able to. It took me three months to be secure there, and frankly, I did it better when I was on my own- truly on my own- and with good, grounded room-mates. It made me more secure and aware of myself. I miss it there where I had good people and clean surroundings.

However, here, at my old home, it is hard to live without her here. I am surrounded by nothing but my past and expectations. The only thing that I truly own, that cannot be taken from me, burned, or left behind is my past. And it sadly cannot be forgotten by myself, or others.

124. --Random ADD post

Yup. Life is fantastic. I have a job. I make good money there. I'm going to try and find a second job cause, who the heck wants a social life? I missed most of General Conference, sadly enough, I was working and receiving a scholarship. November 13th I get to sign up for an online class. I want to take Spanish 1, because I already know a bunch of Spanish, so it would be a fairly easy 4 credits - especially since I would hopefully have 2 jobs. I miss Bex. I eat celery now. I make soups from scratch and it takes me hours to do. I love cooking. I no longer drink sodas or sugary drinks at all. I try to avoid sugar, but being female makes me crave chocolate about 3 days in a month. [I gave into chocolate today, haha.] I want to slowly become and organic foods eater only. I can't go without meat, that's just silly, but I want to consume organic foods. I know that there are scams that say things are organic, but really cause the Earth more damage than non-organic foods, so I want to be able to grow my own foods someday. That'd be nifty. I'll do it when I have kids so then they can help me and appreciate the Earth more. Of course, with my line of work being Earth Science, my kids are going to ADORE the Earth :D I like Dan Brown books, EXCEPT for the fact that I can almost always predict what is going to happen, like, perfectly. "Digital Fortress" was a good read, but boy, I had that mapped out. Right now I'm reading ... a different one... haha, don't remember the name even though I'm halfway through it. It is not as easy for me to predict, but I had a general hypothesis early on in the book. I went to bed at 2 and woke up at 8, AUTOMATICALLY. It's killing me. I don't want to wake up early yet, I'm still young! Uhm, I think that's all I have to report on.

So... what's new with you?

Just another day in paradise

So, about 25 years ago, my dad was cutting lumber and the chainsaw bucked and hit him in the face. So, on his right side of his face he has a huge scar about 5 inches long from that incident.

Last year after he had some chest pains, we found out that he had a birth defect where one of his arteries don't connect to his aorta, but connects to another artery. Therefore, he wasn't able to have a regular procedure for chest pains, but instead he needed to have a double bypass.

Today my father was down at the fire station for a fundraiser and as he was about to leave he joked with one of the guys saying, "Well, I'll see you guys when I hurt myself with my chainsaw." Or something alone the lines of that. So, dad is out back playing lumberjack when the home phone rings. I never answer that stupid thing, so my sister got it. She seemed confused when she answered; she couldn't hear the caller very well, so she just ran the phone up to mom knowing that it was dad from the ID. Suddenly mom comes running downstairs and says, "Rick's hurt." So, I leap out of my chair, throw on my sneakers and run out the back door. Now, I'm not the athletic type so running is an accomplishment. I got out behind our barn and saw my dad walking out of the woods. He looked like something from a horror movie. He was holding his shirt up to attempt to clot the blood, but his shirt was covered in blood. When I got to him my mother had caught up to me and had called for the ambulance. Dad quickly rerouted me to the garage to get our jump kit which is home to some quick medical supplies such as gauze, sterile water, stethoscope, etc. So, I ran from the barn back down to the house then ran back up to the barn. Yes, I'm quite proud of myself. Then I got to see the damage. His lip was split all the way open along the cleft up to his septum. So, the very center of his top lip was split completely. The ambulance arrived pretty quickly, which was good. They were all panic-y and fretting over dad, but dad just hopped in and treated himself. He used to be an EMT, so he basically just needed the rapid transport. My neighbor is a senior in high school and he paddled down the road when he heard sirens here, and then the chief of the department drove up as well. Whenever we call 911 for an emergency, we get an emergency AND a full driveway. It's great.

What actually happened was that dad was cutting a limb that he wasn't aware that it was under pressure. When he cut through the limb, that potential energy became kinetic energy, snapped back and took him in the face. It was about 3inches in diameter and also hit the side of his face. After 7 hours in the trauma center, 12 stitches to muscle and skin, a CAT scan and some pain killers, we also found out that he fractured some bones in his nasal sinus area. I don't know the skull very well, but it's basically the bone behind the sinuses. He has two black eyes and a very puffed up face. Poor guy.

Domestic confusion?

It seems as if I have become the house-wife and I have to keep lecturing my children how to maintain a home.

"Dad, pick up your coffee crap when you're done!"
"Mom, I need you to do the dishes; I made dinner so you clean."
Then, after I end up doing the dishes, I had to ask her two times to hand-wash the pots and pans.
"Dad, don't throw egg shells into the sink. NO, it's disgusting."
"Mom, I need you to get your laundry out of the bathroom."

What did they do before me?

True

You know how people always tell others to stay true to one's self?




What if you don't really know who you are to stay true to?

Nazis in "Amerika": The Aryan Nation of today

DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE NOT MY PERSONAL VIEWS.
I just want to bring to the surface facts about our country.
This type of prejudice still exists.
These people call Adolf Hitler their prophet. He is allegedly wrought of God and the Third Reich is God's kingdom on Earth.
They won't listen to music created by anyone not white.
They have a list of music that is deemed good or speaking of racist things. These bands are, and are not limited to: Saga, Angry Aryans, Cut Throat, Fanisk, Definite Hate, Max Resist, Kremator, and Iron Youth.
They won't watch movies or any tv because of integration.

Columbine --> linked to the National Alliance (http://www.natvan.com/)
Oklahoma Bombing --> linked to Resistance (http://www.resistance.com/)


These are some of the billion essays/letters found on their 'about us' page.









Aryan Nation: http://www.aryan-nations.org/index.html
Insignia: the swastika
Their goal: to teach America of their wrongdoings. Segregation is peace.
Motto: "Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight
in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live." -Adolf Hitler
Favorite Phrase to yell: "WHITE POWER!!"
"Tolerance means 'evil.'"





Quotes from the website:

""HOLOCAUST" WAS A FRAUD!
RECENTLY RELEASED RECORDS, SEALED FOR YEARS, SHOW "CONCENTRATION CAMP" DEATH TOTALS OF ONLY 271,301 SIX MILLION JEWS DID NOT DIE; THE WHOLE CLAIM WAS A COMPLETE FABRICATION"

"There never was a holocaust I wish there were but unfortunately it's nothing but another jewish fable, a holohoax as we call it, used to extort money out of countries, companies and anyone who will listen to the poor crying jews! Someday the jews will be exposed to the world as the lying, traitorous bastards they really are and it will lead to their extermination. Till then we'll just continue to target the Allen Berg type kike and shut their big mouths, permanently! Never forget, "Violence Solves Everything!""

"End hate: Nuke Israelis"



The first statement seen on the web-page, written by someone who clearly didn't pay attention in English class, is as such:
"Most come to this website whenever anything is aired on the jewtube concerning Aryans Nations, the Aryan Brotherhood or White supremacy in general. Most are nothing more than sheeple that come to entertain themselves, finding nothing that they can grasp and adsorb as truth. Many more come to scorn and ridicule us, threaten us (always anonymously of course) cuss us out with hate via snail and e-mail; still others are claiming to be seeking information for some mandatory high school project or working on dissertations for their Jew, liberal, Communist run college education.

Over the years I have talked and corresponded with all kinds from all walks of life. I have always has a policy to treat others as I expect to be treated. You may ask who have I had the most problems with over the years? Blacks, Jews, Asians? No! Stupid, ignorant, backwards, White idiots! The vast majority of our once great race is totally WORTHLESS! They have no pride in themselves, their racial purity as Aryans, in any of our great racial accomplishments, nor in the fact of their White heritage being kept pure through the practice of racial separation by their ancestors.

It is these White wastes of human flesh that I long to see SLAUGHTERED by our enemies!

Their heads severed from their worthless torsos, as what has been transpiring along our Mexican border as of late, and displayed on pikes! May these traitorous, White, Jew worshiping, worthless scum be mutilated and devoured by the minions of non-White hoards who are being allowed to enter our nation unabated by the ruling Zionist pigs.

We ARE here for the sake of those whom have come to the conclusion that something is wrong, very wrong in our country and all formally White nations around the world. We ARE here to educate those of what we have found, over the course of decades, via many kinsman's insight. We ARE here to see to it that this information is made available to all whom will take the time to search us out and listen. We are NOT here to try and save our entire race, for the vast majority of our race deserve nothing less than a horrible death at the hands of our enemies!

It is to YOU Kinsman, those that have the ears to hear and the eyes to see, that I have dedicated more than thirty years of my life reaching out to in Aryan comradeship.

For Faith, Folk & Family, Director Kreis"



"Is it OK to listen to music by Blacks?

What about a really new popular movie with a Emmy award winning Black actor?

Is it OK for my children to play with their Black, Mexican or other non-White school friends?

The list of what "ifs" goes on and on my Aryan kindred.

It's like this TAKE A STAND for what you believe in, or claim to believe in. Because of our sitting on or asses, to lazy to speak out and be heard, for what ever reason or excuse you may want to use, we, Whites have allowed a mud to be elected president of our nation, our home, our land. It started many years ago in our schools, where our children have been brain washed by their teachers. We have in-trusted their education to these White tree hugging politically correct liberal nigger/queer lovers. When the children get home after a full day of this indoctrination, they immediately set in front of the Jewtube (TV), which only reinforces what they're being taught in school.

Now it's not only the liberal nigger lovers to blame, a lot of the blame we must put on ourselves. I'm sure you've heard the saying "sin is only pleasurable for the season" eventually there is a price to pay. We who love our sin and don't want to pay the price, look to others for approval for our actions. We ask for exceptions ( compromises ) to how a Aryan should live, we want to have one foot in the world, and the other foot as an Aryan. I'm sorry people but you all know the correct answer to your questions/actions. Don't come here and expect myself or any other 100% True Aryan to tell you that it's OK to make exceptions or compromise to what we stand for or believe in. Look where it has gotten us, enough is enough ! Either shit or get off the pot, "no fence riders" this is not a club!

I make no apologies if I have offended anyone, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. "

Finally

Finally. FINALLY.
I get it.

I miss the west. HARDCORE.
I know, I know.
I was SO EXCITED to come back to the East and I sound like I can't make up my mind.
But I couldn't.
But, now I know.
I like the new beginnings.
I came home to people expecting me the way I was, and I feel myself melding back to that person.
Out there, I MADE who I was.
Here, well, I came home and I got twelve ear fulls of gossip and rumors.

I miss the sun, the heat, the wind, and the lack of bugs.

I thought I knew what I wanted.


Rant:
When I first started wanting to come home, it was because I associated home with safety, and at the time I didn't feel safe. And, I wanted to see my best friend again. But, I've come to realize things. Yes, I would much rather be around my parents some times and I did miss them sometimes, but I much rather be on my own. I like being away from my parents... a LOT. It's been 2 weeks almost, and I'm already annoyed by both my parents and how I am around them. My parents can be HIGHLY judgmental and I am too when I live with them. It kinda just seeps into my being. But when I live by myself, I wasn't as judgmental. My dad will still cuss around me. My mom and I will bicker about stupid things already. My parents will call over a dozen times between noon and 6 pm. They expect me to make dinner every night now, and to do things that they don't ask me to do. I don't know what they want. Good gosh. Tonight, they asked me to make dinner, so I started to scoop watermelon. Then mom called and said that we'll just have soup and sandwiches so I don't need to make dinner. They get home and see the watermelon rind on the counter and my mom assumes I ate half a watermelon so she gets upset. And while it is fully within my capability to eat tons of fruit without noticing, I didn't eat this half watermelon, so I said, "no, I actually scooped it out and put it in the fridge." To which she responded that she asked me not to. So I said that I got to it before she told me not to, and I added jokingly, "gosh, next time I won't do what you ask me to do." My father thinks it's his time to step in, so he yells at me for having an attitude. My defense is that mom and I were not having a serious discussion and were joking around. He then yells at me some more about my tone or something. At this point I don't even want dinner, but if I even SUGGEST that I don't want to eat with them, I know I'll get more of my father telling me how I have one hell of an attitude. So instead I storm around the house cleaning up my crap until I am summoned for dinner. Suddenly, my father's disposition is completely 180 and he now has jokes. All the while I'm wondering how I'm going to survive another 8 or so months when I'm having issues with week two.


So, when I get home, I'm going to try and get as many jobs as I can. This will get me out of the house more and I'm REALLY hoping for night time jobs so that I won't be home when they are. Rawr. But then I'm sure the argument will switch to phone arguments about how I'm never home. Catch 22.

Note

Don't blog when tired and frustrated.

Of course everything is fine. My teacher was very understanding.

Why this week? [[huge rant]]

I'm so bloody frustrated. It's like, all this semester it's a cakewalk and midterms come and it's not hard at all, but then, this last week and a half, it's like, OH by the way, this assignment is going to be a lot more in depth than the last one that was just like it, or, OH we're going to make it so that you can't access the internet where ALL OF YOUR ASSIGNMENTS ARE for 2 days. Did we say 2? We meant 5. So now teachers feeling the heat of the deadline say, OH it isn't your fault that the internet was down, we totally understand. So can you do the assignments that you had to do last week by 10pm tonight? Yes all of them, don't be silly. Your other teacher wants you to do the same? Well, great minds think alike! By the way, your group presentation tomorrow needs to be 15 minutes long.

I kind of wish I had a longer semester.
I go to school where the semester is only 12 weeks long.
It feels like 12 days.
Most schools are 16 weeks long.
What is 4 weeks?
Here is what 4 weeks are.
Take your 4 extra weeks and shove them somewhere back into 12 weeks. Blend well!
I have to do the same amount of work that any other college student does, I just have less time to do it. My 2 credit classes are more demanding than my 3 credit classes. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
Allegedly, a 2 credit class demands 4 hours of homework a week. However, I usually end up doing 8 hours of homework for 2 of my 2credit classes.
If I get a poor grade, I'm just going to take it again.
Yeah, it's a waste of time, but hey, I'm going to be staying year round here and doing 3 semesters and a block period. That is a lot of time. That is kind of a lot of money... but I will have to figure it out... or just get married.
There isn't anything I really want to do.
I don't want to study anything in particular.
I don't want any particular kind of job.
I want to read good books, raise good children and have an amazing husband whom I would love and I want him to have a good job. Is that a huge problem? I hate grades because if I don't do well, then wow, I feel so stupid, but the thing is, is that I know I'm not. I just suck at HUGE LENGTHY assignments that take up HOURS of my time. I am average when it comes to tests, but the more questions you stick on a test, the worse I'm going to do.
I feel like I'm not designed for your typical school system.
I don't learn when I have hours of homework.
I don't learn by reading 100 pages of literary analysis notes.
I learn when I try to do those things but then go to class and you talk about them.
I can't just read some huge in depth reading and then analyze what an insect symbolized when it stung a sinner in Dante's version of Hell. Maybe YOU can, but I can't.

Sad thing is, I'm only taking 13 credits.

I hope as I get more into my major things even out a little bit.
[English education and theatre minor]

I like reading.
I like writing.
I don't like being told what to read and how to analyze it.
I don't like being told "WRITE EXACTLY THIS"

This I promise though:
This last week is going to kill my grades because of stress, classes that shouldn't exist and WON'T exist after this week, excessive readings, lengthy papers and huge presentations along with numerous group meetings and too many tests. But I also promise this: I can't let it happen next time. . . and I need my ultimate motivator to help me. I miss you Becca. ='[

Sometimes friends, true friends, tell you what you don't want to hear
but it is exactly what you need to hear.

Memories

I know you tried
I know you're cursed
I know your best was still your worst
When Hollywood was calling out your name:

Saint Augustine.

[Band of Horses]
Summer of '06

This is the gray liberal side of me.

I had a friend ask me about gender and gender roles and so we had this conversation and though none of you know him, I deleted his name. We shall call him "A" haha. Enjoy my insights and his insights on "gender" vs "sex." =]

BTW, he's pretty cute and a non-conformist Mormon. C'est amour! ;]





3:07 AM me: Gender, eh?
A: lol yeah :) it's my thing :)
me: Haha. What do you consider gender to be? What defines a man and what defines a woman?
3:08 AM A: u asking me? I asked first :) hehe
me: Haha. well, I just wanted to know where you stand on the concept.
3:10 AM A: i'd like to hear your thoughts before i explain mine. let's just say i have a problem with what they teach in psychology books.
me: HAHA. I bet.
A: but i really like to hear what other people think
i see truth and insight from other's ideas
me: Okay. So, I believe that at birth we are defined as with a sex, male or female, but in our lives we develop into a GENDER. Very different from someone's sex.
3:11 AM Some of us define our gender as our sex
some of us feel as though we identify more with another sex/gender.
in foreign countries there are up to 5 genders.
some alter their bodies to coincide with teh gender they identify with.
3:12 AM i myself don't completely identify as a female
it's kinda odd
yah, but it's true.
A: not odd to me
me: My ex girlfriend doesn't care what pronoun you associate with her.
I once introduced her as my boyfriend
A: :)
me: and she was not offended even though she had the junk of a female.
3:13 AM then i have many gay boy friends who will one day dress like a rugged guy and the next will go out with shaved legs and a skirt.
I believe gender is where you find full comfort in yourself.
I've just developed a strange liking of pink as a stereotypical girl would.
haha.
A: ha :D
3:14 AM it's not a bad color
me: . . . what GENDER are you? :P
just kiddingggg
A: hahaha
me: but yah, that is it in a nutshell.
A: that's cool :) thanks for sharing! I really love non-conformists, lol
me: hahahaha.
3:16 AM A: i've watched a lot of documentaries on transgendered identified individuals, and I've always been real interested in the social construct of gender.
do you want to know what i think?
3:17 AM me: of course. =] I love non-conformists. ;]
A: haha
3:20 AM well, I think that biologically male males and biologically female females are determined thusly. what I find interesting is those who feel incomplete in their sex/gender because of the social ideals that define what is male and what is female. Personality traits and gender roles for instance, I believe, have nothing to do with a persons sex. And that a boy shaving his legs and wearing a dress is completely masculine. Really... who is to say it is unmanly to do so?
3:21 AM I see harm in defining gender, because it will cause an identity crisis in those who feel they don't fit the confines of definition set my society
me: UM CHYEAH.
lol
A: lol
3:23 AM so, I could go on forever, lol. but that' basically it. I think that whatever traits a male has are masculine traits... and that maybe traits and personality shouldn't be defined by gender... though this has been the case throughout history and across cultures... as you mentioned
and same for females... that a biological female is completely feminine... because of that.
but it doesn't mean you have to fit the molds set by society
3:24 AM me: ugh. society does suck. haha. but I agree. femininity should have nothing to do with the little black dress and elegant hair.
A: right?
3:25 AM me: and masculinity shouldn't have to do with how many hours a day a guy is at the gym..
3:27 AM A: i always felt inferior/incomplete because i didn't fit the mold. I think this is why I relate to those with so called gender identity disorder... seriously, how do these five year olds believe they are the opposite gender just because of their likes and dislikes? because it is being beat into their brains that boys do this... and girls do that...
if those parameters weren't there... and if ones gender wasn't defined by personality and roles, than they wouldn't have to feel they are incomplete in any way
3:28 AM me: precisely. I like the way you think. :] I utterly hate black and white, and gender has a million miles of gray.
3:29 AM A: :D because people are a million shades of grey! there's no use trying to define us and set us into little boxes, because the cool (us) ones will refuse.
lol
me: LOL. legit. so true.
3:30 AM I have an article saved on my computer about the fifth gender if you're interested in it... i did a research paper on homosexuals last semester. hahaha
A: awesome! i'd love to read it! I did a research paper of gender roles last year, too. lol
3:31 AM me: o this is definitely up yer alley then. haha. I actually have the link.
http://insideindonesia.org/content/view/484/29/
indonesia is where all the gender roles are hoppin.
3:32 AM A: haha apparently
me: myes.
3:33 AM A: there's a group of men in tonga that are raised as girls.... usually if a family has only boys the mother will take one of the younger ones and raise them as women to do all the household chores and stuff.. interesting huh?
they're called fakaleke's
3:35 AM me: That is really something. It isn't degrading or anything either, it's just like assigned roles for the home. I dunno. It's different. I mean, think about if it had been reversed. anything feminine were masculine. say the guy was the home-maker and teh woman had to provide for the family. it's just a definition.
A: precisely
3:36 AM http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30327010&op=1&o=global&view=global&subj=1326150033&id=1326150033#/photo.php?pid=30078102&op=1&o=global&view=global&subj=1326150033&id=1484757486 .... are you TRYING to reinforce gender stereotypes?!?! LOL
3:37 AM me: I was forced into it at a birthday party. any other day you'd see me with a freeze pop stained shirt, a shovel, my boy-hair cut and my tonka truck. :P
you just caught me on an off day. haha
A: hahaha :) i love it.
3:38 AM me: My daddy told me that I would make a great flapper. hahaha
A: Well, Cat... I knew I liked you for a reason... haha. :) Thanks for the insights and conversation! I worked for 11 hours today, so I should get some sleep, lol.
3:39 AM hahah you would!
me: HAHA. I would have been dead asleep by now were I in your predicament. Well, get some good rest young suh. And I'm sure that we will talk again sometime in teh future. =] gnite.
A: hehe for sure.. night :D