Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder, what is the use in being responsible and mature if no one else wants to board that train?
I'm not saying I'm the most responsible and mature person out there, obviously, but I do get quite annoyed when people decide that they don't need to even try to be responsible or mature.
If you say you're going to do something, DO IT.
If you know you're about to be in an environment where money is going to be highly mandatory, get a job.
Don't mooch. That is such a pet peeve all of a sudden.
I see mooching everywhere.
I did that in high-school.


Bahh.

Sometimes I feel like if I'm not directly involved in the lives of others, my friends, I don't really know what is going on with them. Like, long distance? It is so easy to lie and pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

I miss home, yes, but some days I really just want to settle out here and leave old ties behind. I'm beginning to notice how some of my old ties feel like obligations instead of actual wants. I dunno. I doubt I could just leave New England behind. I don't want to be just another Mormon living in Mormon Central. Ya digg?

I keep having dreams about marriage. I don't know if the Lord is trying to hint at something, but these dreams haven't been like others. [lolz@BexWhoKnowsWhatI'mTalkingAbout] In old dreams about marriage, everything felt uncomfortable. I was in some huge dress with a ton of people staring at me and it was all stiff and formal and foreboding. "Till death do you part." And it was the same with the faceless man at the altar with me. It felt like .. uncomfortable.. again. Like it wasn't right. But lately, I've been having these dreams where I have been in a smaller, lighter room in a dress that was modest and not completely uncomfortable. There would be a small gathering of people, but not many at all. And the man? He and I were so unified in everything. We were like one. It didn't feel comfortable, necessarily, because at first marriage is like trying to make two units one. However, it was uplifting, beautiful, and I felt at peace with it. And now I feel, more than ever, that I want to find that feeling. I feel like I could be with a guy for eternity and love every minute of it. I want that.

one five two

One Hundred Fifty Two

If I had not joined the church, I would not know 152 people. . .
And that is just on Facebook.
Yeah, I counted. I'm not tired and I'm bored.
Hehe.

<3

To my dear Mormons:

OH and this is for grins and giggles:

And someone tell me

WHY CAN'T I COMMENT ON ANYONE'S BLOGS? I've been trying so hard.

I'mma go cry myself to sleep now.

Tall, blonde and athletic

Why does this guy go for the same girl time after time?
Why do so many go for this kind of girl?
I wish I were born in the age of Rome when women were portrayed as not stick thin, round faces, brown eyes and brown hair and BEAUTIFUL.
Gosh, those were the days.

Why does he have to be so amazing and so "higher than thou?"
Why does he have to just bring a smile to my face?
Why do I have this feeling like I need to like any girl he considers dating to see if she is good enough for him?
Why does he describe the perfect girl as tall, blonde and athletic?
When was perfection based on looks?
Sure, after that he adds in the whole, "and wicked spiritually righteous."
BUT STILL.

This isn't about me saying that I wish I were with him, just, I wish his standards weren't so saturated with how a girl looks. I mean, maybe he does.. but the thing is that most bothers me is that she MUST be athletic.

Ms. Bingley, sister to Mr. Bingley, friend to Mr. Darcy described how perfect a woman must be in all the fine arts and anything less was mediocre. Sometimes in this culture, I feel the same way.

I don't dance ballroom or western.
I don't sew.
I don't go to the temple weekly. [But would like to start on that goal.]
I don't know anything about kids.
I don't ... know.

[/rant]

I love

my friends.
honesty.
non-prideful-ness.
my friends.
being a non-normal Mormon. [oxymoron, eh?]
being drama free.
having an answer because of religion.
wearing a Warped Tour hoodie, an Underoath shirt, black skirt and black leggings.
forgiveness.
moving on.
using more mature language than constant swearing.
proper grammar.
my iPod.
memories.
knowing what good came from today's 2yr mark.
my roommates.
pretending my English homework doesn't exist.
no-bake cookies.
eating Spanish food and Italian food in one sitting.
babysitting.
sleeping.
asking questions.
that in thirty eight days I get to see my family.
having goals.
being a young adult.
my friends.
A Day to Remember.
Alesana.
Skylit Drive.
Parkway Drive.
Chiodos. :P
Techno.
Music en general.
Wal Mart.
germ-x. Hahahahaha.
being excruciatingly early.
spell-check.
coupons.
Pasta-Roni.
reading.
juice.
sunlight.
rain.
thunder.
hail.
emails.
people who have the same struggles that I have.
a far-see. HAHA.
Nathan Samuel.
printing presses.
wi-fi.
black ink pens.
big purses.
sleeping.
skirts... with leggings. Haha.
not conforming to the professional style.
not knowing what I want to do with my life.
kids.
literate people.
language to be precise. (Then I think you mean "precise language.")
quoting movies that most people don't know about.
Ellen Page.
when people squirm during pg-13 movies.
making lists.
ending blogs.

Why is it?

People think I'm prideful and judgmental just because I'm Mormon.

I state that someone was basically walking around naked because her skirt BARELY covered her butt, and I get the response, "it's because she isn't Mormon."

NO. For the love of all that is sane, it's not that. IT'S BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T RESPECT HERSELF. It has NOTHING to do with religion.

UGH.

I knowwww

I know I can't be there tomorrow like I said I would A YEAR AGO, but plans change in 365 days. I can't control some elements.


I love you. You know that. I'm here for you. You know that.
Don't distance yourself.
You're talking to me now. Thank you. But don't pretend like I don't care.
I care.
I love you. Forever. No matter what our differences become.

Srsly Hobbits?

I miss my shire. Haha.


I love being drama free. Forrealz.
There is NONE of this silly "He said, She said" nonsense.

I'm going to clean my apartment. Peace!

Hi

I'm alive.
I just have nothing to talk about.

But for a good time:

I love this and have watched it many times.

Another good time:

Bahahaha!





Favorite logo by far.

Next chapter

I'm tired of being the one to try and reach out.


I'm entering a new chapter of my life: the last year of my teenage years.
You know how I'm going to celebrate?


...


I'm going to decorate my jeans with permanent marker.
I might color my hair a drastic color... [Dark dark brown or blonde?]
I'm going to buy a new pair of jeans, [the presentable kind.]
I'm going to be eating cake for about a week straight.
I might paint my nails.
I will eat nothing but brussel sprouts for an entire day.
I will drink so much kool-ade I will be saying "OHHHHH Yeaaahhhh" without meaning to.
I will decorate every paper I need to hand in on Friday with cupcakes and candles with big print that says, "I'M NINETEEN TODAY!"
I'm going to prepare my papers like every good Mormon boy. [total jk]
I will sleep in. . . [I do that anyway]
I will re-read the only really good teen-fiction book I have, Just Listen.
I will do my homework. UGH.





Oh, and one last thing,
I will know who my friends are.
I still love the kid, but he has changed so much, and he is not the person I knew when I left home.
[Meggie, please take no offense to this; it has nothing to do with you. I think you're amazing and a good friend. =D ]

He knows what to say to hurt me, just like Andrew knew what to say. He knows exactly what subtle little things will push my buttons, and he will push them.

Maybe I have changed. After all, "people don't change, we change." --> Andy Warhol
But I still feel like he is the one who has changed.

Tom: I[we] weaseled our way out of an english term paper

5:12 PM me: WHATTT? How did you get out of the like, 589372583 page torture?

Tom: It wasn't that hard.

I ended up doing a book report. That was like 3 pages typed.

On a god bashing book.

It was epic.

5:13 PM And i got a hundred.

woot.

me: Who is your English teach?

Tom: capello

5:14 PM me: Dang, well, that's cool.

Tom: Yep.

5:15 PM me: I"m pretty glad I had so much experience writing wicked long papers, cause now it is so freakin' easy to just do a six page paper.

Tom: Yeah.

5:16 PM I don't need to do papers that are gay though. I can do a paper on chemical structure of neopropylene like nothing.

5:17 PM something like analyze the protagonist of whatever is dumb.

me: Tom... just because you have your opinion, and you know it, doesn't mean you need to demean other people and what they enjoy doing.

5:19 PM Tom: I was just saying.

5:20 PM me: You were just saying in a very negative and vengeful way. I don't want to analyze your words but I do want you to know that what you say highly affects other people. It is very easy to say something that will feel like a personal attack to others.

5:21 PM Tom: Yeah, well.

Whatever.

HE THEN SIGNED OFFLINE,

5:23 PM me: That was very immature. I didn't expect such conduct from someone who used to have such a high demeanor. You have changed a lot, and I don't appreciate your negative attitude. I hope graduation goes well for you and that you are able to succeed in your college career.

It is so gorgeous out! So I shall do a survey.

What company made your bra?
Bali. I'm lame like that.

Who is your favorite relative?
I can't pick.

What annoys you most?
Liarrrrs.

Who is the most important person in your life?
Jesus Christ.

Name one thing you used to do that you are not proud of.
Lie... a LOT.

Who is the best country artist of all time?
Alan Jackson. Or Brooks and Dunn. Or Brad Paisley.

When's your bed time?
I TRY to get to bed before midnight.. TRY.

Have you ever had surgery?
Technically my wisdom teeth count.

Is any of your family embarrassing?
Naw, cause I'm just as loony as them.

What country would you like to visit?
Scotland.

Is weed a drug?
Weed is a plant.
THC is a drug.

Do you believe in God?
OF COURSE. =]

Would you pay five dollars for a gallon of gas?
Yeah. I would get 20 dollars and drive almost NO WHERE.

Would you fight for our freedom if asked by this nation?
No. Not unless I was drafted.

Can you lick your nose with your tongue?
Sadly, yes.

How much alcohol do you drink on a weekly basis?
None.

Would you rather have Marge as a mother, or Homer as a dad?
Neither.

Do you believe that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?
No.

What's the furthest you've ever been from what you consider "home"?
Idaho.

What's your Windows desktop?
West Quoddy lighthouse.

Have you ever used the patch or gum to try and quit smoking?
I’ve never even had a cigarette, so I think not.
=P

What do you REALLY think is going to happen between Heidi and Spencer?
WHO?

What's your favorite CSI: Vegas, Miami, or New York?
Las Vegas.

What was the last reason you clapped?
Prolly laughing at Brittney

What was the last video game you watched someone play?
Halo at Marco's ages and ages ago.

Do you paint your nails random colors?
No.

When's the last time you ate dinner with your family?
December.

When is the last time you went to Staples?
A year or two ago.

Who was the last person who said they loved you?
Bex texted it to me. But if that doesn't count, then my roomie, Andria.

Do you have Netflix?
My parents do.

Do you like Sci-fi movies?
Yes.

What did you do over last spring break?
Stayed up till 8am then slept til 4.

What do you think is the most boring sport?
The thing where there is a ribbon attached to a baton like thing.

Have you ever been to a real NFL football game?
I wish.

What is the last big test you took?
Midterms this week and last.

What is the color of the chair you sitting in?
Brown.

What were you almost named?
Benjamin. But then my gender was discovered.

What time did you wake up this morning?
10, haha.

Do you like showering in the morning or at night?
Depends on my mood.

What pair of shoes did you wear today?
Black flats.

Ever done a science fair project?
I don’t think that our school ever even HAD a science fair.

What brand of deodorant do you use?
Secret.

Ever been in a lighthouse?
Numerous.

What are you eating for dinner tonight?
WHATEVER KEVIN AND ASHLEY MAKE ME! =D

How's your day been?
HAHA. So, I took a test which I didn't study for at ALL and as I was taking it I was thinking to myself, "Well, this could be right.. hmm" and I totally thought I was going to bomb it mega style, but then, I got an 85. Maybe I should have studied. Haha. It was for World History and it was about the Greeks and Myceneans and Minoans and philosophy.

Stick to it

I can do it. I know I can. Moments like I've had remind me of how much I have to work at it. Moments like I've had remind me that I'm different.

I won't have a normal marriage.
I won't have a normal family.
I will struggle often.
We will struggle often.
But I know that there will be so much love.

You know how I figured this all out?
I watched six straight hours of South of Nowhere.

I'm not going to be able to fill the normal, stereotypical "Mormon Mom" rules, but I think that will make me stronger, my future marriage stronger and my future children stronger. I will be able to relate to my children about everything and anything, and no matter what they choose in life, I will love them.

How will I not be normal?
I will not pressure my future children to be baptized immediately at age eight.
I will make sure that they understand that everything they are being taught in Primary is what the Mormons believe and that other people believe many different things and I will tell them what other people believe. They will NOT be ignorant children. There are many different people out in the world who do terrible things, but they should not JUDGE that person because they are sinning differently than they are themselves.

This is turning into a rant, but being here I have seen the way that some people view life, and they view life through a tunnel; they have tunnel vision. Some people see in black and in white. I always want to be able to see the gray and appreciate the gray.

100th post

...and I still don't know where I'm at.

I look at your facebook just to see your face, your smile, and to remember what your laugh sounded like to me. I look through all your pictures, and I'm glad that you're happy with her. You deserve happiness and peace. May you always find peace. I still love, and care about you.

I'm still South of nowhere.

I still crave and yearn for something.

I'm just more mature, better with words and more reserved about myself. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not lacking experience in this world. I know the black and I know the white. But, now that I know fully both sides, I don't know where I truly belong. I know where my heart wants me to be; I know that without hesitation, but where logically do I belong? Is it right to follow my heart, or my head? What if following my heart changes everything everyone has known about me? What if following my head makes me the largest hypocrite in life? Double standards? Can I follow my heart without being a hypocrite? Yes, I can. Can I do anything in life without wondering if I'm doing the right thing? No, I cannot. I had roots uprooted years ago and roots uprooted BECAUSE my roots were uprooted. Does that make sense to anyone but me? No, it probably should not. And, if you do per chance know what I am referring to, silence is your best virtue. Being bound is being free. Paradoxical, but true. But is this true? Can someone feel full and empty at the same time? Must I always talk in doubles? In paradoxes? Yes. Because life is a paradox; life is a double negative. Taste the bitter to taste the sweet. Come what may; let the chips fall where they may. I hope all works out for the right.

Nothing is impossible

This man is my hero: