Oot and aboot

So, I think I'm happy.
THINK.
How peculiar a word.
Can't I just KNOW if I'm happy?
No. I guess not. =]
But that is the best I have right now.

Your blood was strewn across your walls

Writing on the walls. (You should have killed me when you had the chance.)

So, today, I started to hum a song that I haven't sung in a while, so I tried to remember the lyrics. It took a while, but I did. When I sang this as a seventh grader, I didn't understand it; in fact, I thought it was stupid because, I didn't think that love was like this. But now, I completely understand.

The water is wide, I cannot get o'er.
And neither have I wings to fly.
Give me a boat that will carry two,
And both shall row, my love and I.

I leaned my back back up against an oak
I thought it was a trusty tree
but first it swayed and then it broke
So did my love prove false to me.

Oh love is handsome and love is blind
And love's a jewel when it is new
but love grows old and waxes cold
and fades away like morning dew.

I thought that that was so morbid. Love is like a fairy tale. Once you find it, you never lose it. It never goes away, or so I thought. (That's why I will never be like one of those girls out here who meets and marries within 2 months.)


Addictions are bad... unless it is cathartic addictions to music. My cathartic addiction right now? A Day To Remember, Stick to Your Guns and a little bit of UnderOath... but mostly A Day To Remember.


ADTR:
Cause I try, So hard to make this right.
You've got my back on the wall.

After all you've put me through,
My friends still stay true.

Your reign is over,
Why couldn't you prove me wrong?!


I tried to be a hero.
I was afraid it would still be needed.
Why??!
I feel like a failure. I should have been there.
YOU SHOULD HAVE REACHED OUT.
I'm not Jesus and I'm not your hero.
And I don't need anyone on this Earth to save me.


Forward. Forward. FORWARD.
posi!
I refuse to believe that there is nothing out there.
I will improve.
I will be a better person.
I will gain a stronger testimony.
I will do my work. (Do work!!)
I will love again.

Time

I feel time passing me by as I get older.
Every day I witness glimpses of my past and I wish for one second that I could go back to all that.
It was so simple when I could just LIVE.
But, AM I suffocating?
Or am I wishing I was so I could have an excuse to go back?
Who am I anyway?
What do I want?
Am I doing the right thing?

So many things I want to say

But so many reasons not to say them.

Ixnay

We need to talk.

Talk...

I'm stubborn and I'm scared.
When I get scared, I run.
Remember that movie, Runaway Bride?
I'm the runaway girlfriend.
I see one sign that he is upset and I want to run.
I've been stubborn.
I really love Gabe and I don't want to run.
Well, that's a lie.
I've wanted to run a few dozen times,
but I've stopped myself because. . .
well, I've never felt so real and complete in a relationship before.
So, I've stayed put.
After the last week or so,
I'M SCARED.
I haven't been sleeping.
I've been distracting myself with homework.
I've been thinking only of school.
So, last night when I got an unexpected text
my stomach DROPPED.
Then today, I tried texting and we did a bit,
but then it turned to annoyance, and quickly.
"We'll talk later."
So, I had an instant flash back to Lizzie McGuire.
She had a boyfriend and was totally infatuated with him.
He was the newspaper boy and stopped by one morning.
He asked for Lizzie and said, "We need to talk."
Lizzie, oblivious, was all too eager to talk to him.
Her mom tried to stop her, but like a typical teenager, Lizzie ignored her mom.
Her father asked her mother why she tried to stop Lizzie.
Lizzie's mom explained that the phrase, "We need to talk" is the worst phrase any girl could ever hear in her teenage dating life.
Sure enough, the newspaper boy wanted to talk to Lizzie to break up with her.
He explained that they were better as friends and that she lived so far away and that he would rather date someone from HIS school.
[Convenience.]


So, why am I not running?
1. I don't trust my intuition. Not with him.
I always think he is thinking one thing, when he is thinking exactly the opposite.
I can't predict him.
And I love that.
2. I only run because I'm scared I'll get hurt,
so I figure if I do the hurting I won't get hurt.
That is only half true in past instances.
But also, if I ever allowed myself to get hurt,
he is the only one with the ability to do so.
Because I love him.
3. I have no where to go.
He is my best friend, even if this doesn't work out.
My definition of running includes cutting said person off completely.
I can not and refuse to cut him out of my life.
I don't have scissors big enough.
And I love that.




Ryan :), you're mega amazing.
Keep posi!! Don't let this world bring you down.
You're my posi-inspiration, suh!
Even if you make me feel so young and naive every now and again.
Sometimes I get down in the dumps and I talk to you,
and then I still have the same problems in my life,
but they aren't bringing me down,
I have a positive spin on things.
Thanks for being a "top notch individual,"
and a great friend. =]

The dreaded survey...

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey? Sure.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legal? No. My body isn't an amusement park. (movie reference. 438975893476893 bonus points to whoever gets that reference.)

[03] Abortion: for or against it? Yes and no. I believe in a woman's choice, but I do not believe in murder. *sigh* Okay, so if a woman was raped and became pregnant, she should look at all the options. She could face the wrath of society when they see that she became pregnant and has no spouse OR boyfriend to speak of. Her good name and reputation are at stake. People will start talking about how she is a slut or something. Unless she wants to announce that she was raped.. then she will get the sympathy from people and also people will start the whole, "she's just saying that as a cover-up." She didn't CHOOSE to be raped, so why should she face the music for it? BUT, it would take a very noble and brave woman to be raped and keep the child, or have the child adopted. In instances where the woman's life is in danger to keep the child, I think abortion is acceptable. If the doctor tells a woman that her child will be born with a deformity or inability and she chooses to abort... I have a few things I'd like to say, but, well, "being a Christian woman, I can't." (Movie reference, bonus points to anyone who gets it.)

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female US president? It really depends on the woman. Some women are AMAZING and efficient leaders. The world should not, and can not be led by just penises. What are men without women? =]

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty? No and yes. *sigh* (again) Okay, I don't believe that WE should decide who lives and who doesn't. That isn't our job as human beings. That is God's job. But, with that said.. there are some people who are just too much of a hazard to keep alive in a jail system for years on end, especially with the lust of money and power that could be granted through the release of a high-stake prisoner. Imagine for a moment that Saddam Hussein is caught but there is no such thing as a death sentence. Now imagine that one of his guards is going through a rough time in life, his wife wears the pants, he hates that fact, and his money supply is low. Smart people, [and most criminals are smart, yet idiots... yes...] pick up on stuff like that. Now, Saddam has the hook ups if he can get out. He can hook this guard up with power and money IF he is released. Give this guard a few months or years and he can make it happen. If Saddam is killed, well, problem eliminated. Stuff happens. OH and another reason for death penalty? I DON'T WANT TO PAY 328597389 DOLLARS IN TAXES TO KEEP THESE ROTTEN PEOPLE FED, CLOTHED AND PAMPERED. Yup. I said it.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Yes. If it were legalized cops would have better things to do besides busting marijuana sellers... like solve cases that needed to be solved months ago. And, once the luxury of it being legalized is over, it won't be such a thriller. Doing illegal drugs has such a thrill, but once it is legalized it loses some of it's power. Ask the Dutch.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex? Yeah. It is probably the stupidest thing you could ever do. No offense to anyone who HAS done it.. it just doesn't really make sense to have pre-marital sex.

[08] Do you believe in God ? I sure do…I’ve mentioned Him a few times already.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? "Okay, here goes. I’m all for gay rights. I think that it is terrible when people discriminate because of a person’s lifestyle. So what if they’re gay ? They are still children of God ! Gayness does not = bad people. Gayness doesn’t equal anything besides homosexual attraction. Go ahead and live your life the way that you want…but don’t call it marriage. Marriage is a divine institution started by God when he put Adam and Eve together. Marriage is between a man and a woman with the intention of having a family. I also believe that gay couples should not adopt. Children need both a male and female role model. There are some things that women are better at with kids, and some things that men are better at with kids." --Gabe's answer. I can't put it any better than this.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many immigrants are moving into the country? Legally, yes. I love culture and I love that America is full of it.. Just do so legally, please?

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? Hmm. I think this girl needs to learn a serious lesson, and if the parents are able to, and are amazing, they should keep the baby and their girl should have to care for the girl to learn that lesson. UNLESS it was rape, then the girl should totally give that baby up for adoption.

[12] Should the alcohol age be kept at 21? Guhhhh. I hate alcohol. I look through pictures of old friends and see pictures of parties where there is serious drinking... it makes me sad. I hate that stuff, I hate what it has done to family members, I hate what it is DOING to family members, I hate it so much.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off? What about Vietnam? OH we didn't belong there and went anyway? OH and it lasted like, 2o years? OH. OH AND WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN? Screw it.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? In the hospital sense, I think if a patient is terminal and is going to die, but his death is going to be painful, then yes. There are instances where I believe in assisted suicide. If a patient wants to take his life, isn't that his right? If someone on the street who is healthy and able to keep living wants to take his life cause he just hates his life, that's an issue, but a person who is going to die and it is painful for him/her and his/her family to see the patient suffering... by all means, HAVE MERCY.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children? There is a fine line between spanking and abuse. I believe that once you start hitting, it has the potential to progress. RARELY would I ever consider hitting my child.

[16] Would you burn your countries flag for a million dollars? No. It's the biggest disrespect to America. I may hate America every other day of my life, but I don't disrespect America.

[17] Who do you think would have made a better US president? I'll tell you in about 3.5 years.

[18] What is the biggest problem with society that needs to be dealt with? Intolerance. Plain and simple. Stop being intolerant and judgmental.

[19] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Judge for all I care. I'll just know who my real friends are... cause they won't be judging.

Beginning of the semester wonderings

It's the beginning of the semester so I, of course, have new classes. [duh]
With the beginning of each new class comes my hesitation.
It's a good hesitation, though.
It's where I take a step back and think about what I really want.
Do I REALLY want to do English?
And my answer is simply,
I don't know.
My English class bores me the most thus far.
My Communications class is going to be challenging,
personally.
It offers me new challenges to embrace, and I like it.
And I LOVE my World Foundations class,
which is like, World History.
Greeks, Romans, Sumerians, Mesopotamians,
EPICS... etc.
I DON'T like the whole being graded on the Fall of Adam and Eve part, though.
I perceive it differently than the standard LDS way,
and I'm graded on my perception, which I'm not a fan of.
But, I'll regain myself from that bad quiz grade.

SO, do I really want to do English?
I DON'T know. I really don't.
I could go into communications.
Or at least minor in it since I know I need communication skills.
I'm not very professional when it comes to communicating,
and I know that that hurts me...
especially in today's world.
Gotta be amazing to be on top.
I could even major in communications.
But, I don't know where that would land me.

I want to edit books.
And just recently I decided that I want to edit books that are not boring.
Haha.
So, all those helpful, self-help, informative, auto-biographical, biographical books,
I don't want to edit them.
I want to edit CREATIVE WRITING.
That in and of itself is a paradox.
Creative writing shouldn't always be edited, exactly.
But that is what I love about it.
The ability to just WRITE and not worry about FORM.
Write to express.
Write.
=]

I don't think writing should be dictated.
Guided.
Controlled.
It's expressive.
Emotive.
Cathartic.
=]

So is my goal of editing moot?
Haha.

Maybe I want to teach ancient times.
ANCIENT of ancient times.
Mesopotamia and Sumer kind of times.
GILGAMESH!
OEDIPUS!
ANTIGONE!
[Pronounced Anne-tig(like Tigger)-'o-knee]
[NOT anti-gone!]
=]

Or maybe I'll just be a working bum the rest of my life.
And in today's society, bum is the correct word.
In this economic crisis, it's ridiculous.
How vague.
It's ridiculous that the status-quo is still pricey clothes,
pricey homes
pricey yards
pricey cars
[then complain about gas]
pricey t.v.'s
pricey furniture
blah blah blah
etc.
[/vent about the economy]

At least we aren't living in Hoovervilles. =P

A Day To Remember-- Lyrics

This is for you (this is for you).
You're the one worth waiting for.
You're all I ever needed in this life.

Lets Take a look back, so we can see
What it took to bring us here and be here.
So reminded of better days,
When we were both happy.

This is for you (this is for you).
You're the one worth waiting for.
You're all I ever needed in this life.

This is for you (this is for you).
You're the one worth waiting for.
You're all I ever needed in this life.

Words cant express,
the impact you've made on me,
In my entire life.
And all i can say is that I love you,
For everything it serves out.

This is for you (this is for you).
You're the one worth waiting for.
You're all I ever needed in this life.

This is for you (this is for you).
You're the one worth waiting for.
You're all I ever needed in this life.

Cause I try, So hard to make this right. You've got my back on the wall.

After all you've put me through,
My friends still stay true.

After all you've put me through,
My friends still stay true.

Your reign is over,
Why couldn't you prove me wrong.

Your reign is over,
Why couldn't you prove me wrong.
(A Day To Remember)


With that said, I miss you.
I'm here for you.
I don't know why, or for how long, but I am. I know someone who does know why and for how long, but I'm not always privy to his knowledge. I feel protective of you, which is the biggest compliment imaginable. I don't feel protective over just anyone you know. I feel like I need to be here for you now more than ever... and I don't know why.


You tell me... Why?

I laugh to myself

Whenever I quickly walk past some people on campus,
you know, those skinny fashonistas,
I always think to myself,
"Haha, you aren't perfect,
a fat chick just lapped you."

6days

we both have six days
six days to gain perception
to figure things out
where we stand
etc.
i don't know if he realizes it
but these six days mean a lot
i'm hoping he will learn things about our relationship
like if it is going to work
if he, at the end of the week, misses me
then we know
if he, at the end of the week is like, oh yeah, cat
then we know



it's all about perception
clarity
perseverance
and the basic want.


Goodnight, Neverland!

Ah-guh.

That describes everything.

I remember senior year with Tom

and all the times we would pass notes in Study Hall

and how I would tell him about how INADEQUATE I felt.

With his help, I got over my inadequacy feelings.

But now it is back and stronger than ever.

I feel:

unwanted

un-needed

unattractive

not useful

not helpful

as if I were a burden

in the way

uncomfortable

the maker of uncomfortable-ness

not good enough

in the right place at the wrong time

like I can't breathe

in a rut

stubborn

stupid

ignorant

like I suck at life cause I got a low GPA

like, do I even belong here

in the wrong

never in the right

like a bad Mormon

moronic

vengeful

like I complain to everyone

like I don't have control

powerless

pathetic

meek

futile

ugh

.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

pour real life down on me.

Cause I can't let go of anything

this good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me to?

So take care of what you ask of me

Cause I can't say no.

-Amy Lee

I'm so thankful for my friends, though.

Especially Kevin and Ashley who will both listen to me vent

then offer advice that isn't instructional.

[Cause I hate being told what I ought to do]

We have known each other for only a few months and I feel so connected...

They know the darkest things about me

and never have they looked down upon me

or spoken to me condescendingly.

No patronization = no Cat frustration.

That REALLY long list of inadequacy was pretty depressing.

So, here are some things that I love:

back in the days when we were young, when everything was like a loaded gun

ready to go off at any minute.

Altoids

Kevin and Ashley

Piper, Shu & Wes

Chapstick

Driving around with no ambition

speeding

drifting

shifting gears uber quickly

posicore

Alesana

A Day to Remember

Sceaming music

Screaming

laughing

experimenting with makeup

creating awkward moments

being alone

reading

writing

making lists =P

long hot showers

Brazilian candy =]

Victoria's Secret lotion

Louis Vuitton

candles

Brazilian cookies

my new room-mates

hugs

kisses

trust

cashews

pink, oddly enough

spring weather

the ocean =[

procrastination

texting

Mormonism

Being a non-conservative Mormon

American Eagle

Clothes =]

cooking

making cookies!

gum

blue skies

my neighbor, Steffi, from India

being caught checking out people [ssa issue, though, lol]

same as above but in church

movies

books

Dr. House

pink light-bulbs

grass!

pens

.

I like how the 'loves' is longer than my 'inadequate' list.

<3

Peace out, cub scout!!

NEVER judge

This woman just made me feel so much better about myself and the world.

Simon's face=priceless.

I can't embed the video... but, seriously, follow this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I can't believe how rude the whistlers were.
Suck it!! =]

Still not cool

Last semester, I told my room-mates that I didn't like the phrases "that's gay" and "that's retarded" and they respected it, but it was kinda a big deal. Every time they said "that's gay" they would turn to me and say sorry. Sure, good concept... except in public when that happens and everyone is wondering why they apologize to me, things get awkward etc. So, I'm not going to tell my new friends/room-mates to not say it around me. My new neighbors say "that's retarded" like ... I can't even describe. EVERYTHING is retarded to them.

So, here is my issue. It is human nature to mimic its company. It's natural. If people say "dude" all the time, you're going to find yourself slipping and saying "dude" as moronic as the word truly is. I ALMOST said "that's retarded" today. I've heard nothing but the fact that everything is retarded. I started with a "that's reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........................." paused and continued, oh so smoothly, "eeeediculous!" just BARELY catching myself.

I hate it when I begin to mimic frequent company.


NOM. WHAT THE CRAP?! I hate when people try to force their thoughts and doctrines down your throat. Mormons, contrary to popular belief, don't force their religion down throats. We just try to defend what we find sacred. We were not standing on a fence-line yelling obscenities about how homosexuals are not people and should not have any rights. I am a liberal Mormon. Yup, I said it. I'm LIBERAL. I was raised liberal. Heck, I'm not about to change that about myself. I love the fact that I can be a liberal in a, typically, conservative religion. So, what AM I ranting about?
NOM is ridiculous. Okay, I can understand the idea of trying to protect the sacred right of marriage, but the things said in this video are so ... I can't even describe it. There is a HUGE difference between protecting marriage and having a doctor state that she has to choose between her faith and her job... her job as a doctor is to treat people and law states that you have to treat people with NO BIAS. So, her bias? Should she treat a flaming homosexual?

NOM:





Now, for some YouTube responses, eh?


This man right here took a VERY mature approach to this NOM video and I respect him. I'll call him my hero right now. He brings up some very true points. He is a true American at heart.



At any rate. I know that I am a part of a church that doesn't support gay marriage. I don't think gay marriage should be legalized either. But, I do believe that for all intents and purposes, these gay couples should be able to have all the rights and privileges that married straight couples have. A different kind of sanction. And for the love of all that is sane, people, STOP YOUR WHINING. GAY PEOPLE EXIST. They have existed since biblical times. They exist now. Thousands of years have gays been upon our planet. After a few thousand years, you think that it is just going to stop? *poof* like that? No, it won't. Stop the name calling. Stop the rock throwing. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.


In a paper I wrote, I compared the issue of teaching tolerance of homosexuality to teaching tolerance of civil rights, that is to say, skin color. Thom Hartmann talks to Brian Brown about this and also, why focus on same-sex marriage? Why not focus on the HUGE problem of divorce? Till death do us part or until we hate each other and must divorce? Marriage is sacred, protect marriage. But within the actual married society, there are problems. NOM should focus on keeping people married before taking on gay marriage.

Thom Hartmann:

I miss all the action. =/

By John Quinn
jquinn@fosters.com

Monday, April 13, 2009

ALTON BAY — A wind-whipped conflagration on Easter Sunday consumed up to 50 buildings on a hill in town and damaged about a dozen other structures, nearly all unoccupied seasonal cabins and homes.

No residents were hurt, but at least four firefighters were treated for smoke inhalation or exhaustion, while another who was injured when a propane tank exploded was treated at a hospital and released, firefighters said.

Overall, fire departments from about 40 communities sent roughly 50 trucks to battle the blaze, and emergency officials still were calling for manpower from another 12 departments into Sunday evening, said Gilmanton Fire Chief K.G. Lockwood, whose department was among those lending aid to local firefighters. He described the blaze as a roughly 12-alarm fire on a scale of one to five.

While Alton Bay is located at the southern tip of Lake Winnipesaukee, firefighters had to use water trucks to fight the flames given their high location on the hill.

The fire's cause has yet to be determined, though the wind, which was gusting at about 15 to 20 mph Sunday afternoon, was a factor in its spread, Lockwood said.

The fire was reported at about 4:30 p.m.

"Within minutes, it went from two to dozens of buildings involved," he said.

Firefighters managed to protect a historic church hall at the Alton Bay Christian Conference Center complex on top of the hill, Lockwood said. Most of the destroyed cabins, however, may have belonged to the complex.

Debris rained onto the community as the fire spread, in some cases sparking other, secondary fires and leading residents to evacuate.

"It's very odd timing, especially with this weather," resident Peter Sylvester said. "The wind conditions couldn't be worse."

Milton Fire Chief Andy Lucier, who was among those responding to the blaze, described the efforts at containing the fire as overall a "a pretty good stop," adding that dozens of homes were saved that otherwise might not have been.

Lockwood said a shelter would be available for displaced residents, but more information about the shelter was not immediately available Sunday night.

Several explosions occurred during the blaze, with witnesses saying they all likely were propane tanks.

The Rev. Christian Tutor of All Saints Church in Concord said he was having dinner with friends in town on Sunday when the fire broke out.

"You hear propane explosions and you have to come running," he said.

The fire burned through a power line providing electricity to New Hampshire Electric Cooperative customers in Alton Bay, West Alton and Gilford. About 1,600 people were without power, and service was not expected to be restored until after midnight.

Route 11 was closed in the vicinity as firefighters worked.

The fire was contained by about 8:30 p.m. and under control by about 10:30 p.m., Lockwood said.

Communities that sent firefighters included New Durham, Wolfeboro, Farmington, Milton, Middleton, Rochester, Dover, Wakefield and York, Maine.