Lyfe lyke whoa.

So, this feeling of life just hurtling forward at you? Yes, I'm familiar. Trying to align my upcoming life at college by getting my loans organized, my plane ticket found and yadda yadda yadda. Very stressful.



Dad just had double bypass surgery. Just got home. Just got strange here.



In other news, politics SUCK AT LIFE.
Palin is a nimrod.
McCain is stupid for choosing her.
Tina Fey makes a better VP than Sarah Palin.

OH and I watched 3940839 repeats from Project Runway and I STILL love Christian.


<3



IK HOUD VAN U! =]

Madina Lake

I'm fully convinced that the author of the lyrics for all Madina Lake songs was:
A. Genius
B. Depressed
C. Having Woman Issues.




And Tom, if you still care at all:

Sometimes I try not to hate myself
For everything I never said
When you were here
And so I'm burning up photographs
Of what was a perfect past
'Cause I'm still here
But I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

It's so hard that I try to bury it
Pretend that you didn't exist
So I can be strong
But I feel sick
And I feel diseased
'Cause everyone abandons me
And I can't move along
'Cause I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

I can not pretend you didn't exist
Misery is just a state of mind
Hiding from the world's no way to live
So I'll convince myself that I'll be fine
I'll be fine
But since I lost you I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference between
Me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt

So I look up to the stars
And wonder out loud
Why everything I had in life
Has fallen from my arms
Can you even hear this song?
I'm screaming at the clouds
Screaming to a galaxy
That never cared at all
That I need you here


I was jealous of her.
I got over it.
Its your turn, babe, cause this is for real.
I need you here;; still.

le amoreeee!

Your kisses are the sweetest things.

You've stolen my heart...

Don't you dare break it boy,

or I'mma make you regret life.

But, I'll tell you one thing:

Wise words.

"And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this
Good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too?"
-Amy Lee-

"Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"
-Jeff Buckley-


"Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars

The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffees never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby, it's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don't loose your head
'Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah"
-Imogen Heap-


"But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by
I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall"
-Ingrid Michaelson-


"I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard and we wonder
To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for
Morning to wake you; it's all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more it's called a funeral
Every occasion oh I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion of one brilliant day funeral"
-Band of Horses-


"she was the one love of my life, and i let her go
and if i look like death today,
then please let her know
i never wanted to do harm to her
i only wanted her to see
the beauty of the world surrounding her
but when she opened up her eyes
it's much too late
our chance has gone
she's with a guy
who takes the price for everything i ever showed her
digging all the fun
because she's older
i fed her with a spoon
i made her mother smile
i helped the kid survive

she was the one love of my life,
she showed me the road
i loved her dog, her steady gaze, the chapter is closed
i always wanted all the best for her
the best thing was to stay away
she grew up and she left the rest of us
and now the understanding's gone"
-Belle and Sebastian-

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever."
-Noah; the Notebook-

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone. "
-Noah; the Notebook-


I love you. From the day I met you I knew I would grow to love you. And I appreciate everything we have gone through. Please know that I will always love you, no matter what happens; I will ALWAYS be here. I would rather us go on as we are, but I know that is entirely impossible for you and I respect your reasons and decision. I respect you. But I could see our lives entwined as one, I really could. I can't see the future, nor do I pretend to, but I could completely imagine our future, and I know you could imagine it, too.
I'll be honest, I don't want to date around, really. Not after what we just had and could possibly have in the future. Frankly, I just don't think there is anyone around here I would like to date, really. But there is always college and that frightens me a bit. The thought of you dating other girls doesn't perturb me all that much, its just the thought of you getting serious with them. That is what makes me queasy the most.

I don't want to be just number sixteen to you.
I want to be more than that in your memory.

I knew what I was getting myself in for this summer.
I knew I'd get attached,
I had NO idea, however, I'd get THIS attached.

♥

I just learned how to paint and I found that I <3 abstracts such as this.
[this is not mine, by the way.]
Abstracts are very emotional but sometimes its so emotional that only you can understand.
Other can relate to an abstract, but when the paints are blending
and when you choose the colors, only you know why you chose that color,
what it represents to you,
why you chose for it to blend,
or why it didn't blend.
Its all symbolic.
The texture, thickness, depth, blending, colors etc..
Its wonderful.


Maybe someday I'll learn to paint other things as well.
I am just a beginner, after all. =]

Snippets :

"And I heard a voice from the Father saying: Yea, the words of my Beloved are true and faithful. He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved."
[2Nephi 31:15]




I know 100 % [my views on Tom] because I'm scared. He was so strong and he fell. He is so far away from everything. Look what happened to him. We were so strong together. I feel like I lost my other half, in a way. My other wheel. I'm afraid I'm next. I almost WAS next. I was living up to be next. I felt like, wow he fell, it must be fate that I too fall. So, I kinda looked for ways to fall. [this all ties into something else that made me stupid tonight]:

My inadequacy. [synonymous in the Cat dictionary of life to: depression, stupidity, emotional problems]. Ask Tom, I have, in the past, had some inadequacy problems. I haven't had a serious bought of depression/inadequacy for a while. But all of a sudden tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of depression. I haven't had that feeling since last November.


He [my father] tells me I did something wrong and we need to have a family meeting about it, but the meeting will be in the far distant future, so until then I have time to think "what did i do wrong?", "what did I screw up this time?" and then I think and think and think about little things I have done that would piss off dad. I left the computer on. I left the hairdryer out. I did this, I didn't do that. I failed this, or the cops finally called dad to report my speeding problem. My room is a mess. I didn't finish my laundry. WHATEVER the case. Its probably this time to do with the fact that I spend so much time doing churchy things and working and not enough time with the family. I have an inky feeling I'm about to get a curfew too. I mean, despite the fact that I try to do well and support myself and be as little of a hindrance on them as possible. I feel guilty if I EAT here. I sleep here and store my items here. I'm EIGHTEEN for crying out loud. I can't just sit here like every other summer and feel myself ROTTING while watching another episode of "Family Matters" or "Full House" or watching Moulin Rouge for the 8th time that week. I'm trying to get out of here. I"m sick and tired of them trying to ground me here. So, the whole Dad thing just TOTALLY added to my inadequacy feelings.

End.

<3

.:.J.F.Y.I.:.

Te Amo

.:.A.M.A.A.:.

I love you.
May thirteen, two thousand eight.
=]

I'm so not tired.

You know that feeling when you're so tired you can't sleep? I live in that feeling. When you're so tired you half sleep and dream things that you think are true, but aren't? So tired you almost say something stupid that could kill EVERYTHING? Maybe not kill, but at least ruin? I live in constant fear of that at night. Honestly, if I wasn't Mormon and I had a drink when tired, I would probably make George Bush sound intelligent.









P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you.

Oh promiscuous.

Yes. We were wed. On Ogunquit beach. It is true. Andrew did preside over this marriage. No, he has no license to wed. And on the shores of Maine we set our love free into the ocean, our love that is like a flower, a sea rose to be specific. Yes, Gabe did have an issue and objected; Andrew pretended not to hear. By the way, this is all fallacy, but the poster was rad. <3



To see a better picture, please refer to this:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3281/2581959681_467f0c3ab5_o.jpg

Love. <3

Love. <3

My love is like my music.
When I know I like a song, I can't get enough of it.
I sing it all the time, whenever inspired, or whenever I can't get it out of my head.
Some songs fade away.
Some songs I forget.
Some songs stay with me, engraved in my heart and soul forever.
Sometimes, when you think you find a song that suits you perfectly,
you find out you are so so terribly wrong.
There is one song that is a part of every fiber of your existence.
You can't get it out of your soul, your heart, your being.
Your one song.





Love. <3

Being on stage, you aren't you.
You can't be embarrassed;
that isn't you.
You are another person.
You don't speak, your character does.
You get to be someone else for a couple of hours.
Leave yourself behind and get wrapped up in someone else's problems.
You get to play faux emotions.
Emotions you've never experienced first hand are played out.
You experience fake life on a stage,
because you aren't you anymore.
<3

Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.
[Twilight]





And everything is as it should be.

Change.

YouStutterOften (12:26:20 PM):	I wanna get into an ucky subject between us. Cause I always say to say what you get annoyed about. And when I complain about megan you tell me to tell her why I'm upset.. Well, in my head I've been complaining about you, so I wanna talk to you, lol. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad. =/
Cat Catharsis (12:26:39 PM):	naw. I'd rather you be honest with me.
YouStutterOften (12:26:50 PM):	Kks.
YouStutterOften (12:27:01 PM):	Well, it's basically about the physical stuff between you and mike.
Cat Catharsis (12:27:08 PM):	yes. I knew this was coming.
YouStutterOften (12:27:14 PM):	lol, i thought so.
Cat Catharsis (12:27:17 PM):	lol
YouStutterOften (12:28:23 PM):	Well, I was thinking about it, and I remembered something that Megan said and It struck a nerve. Casue she said the mormon thing was just a phase... And I know that the actual religion isn't, but it's kinda now like you treated then doctrine of the church like it... Liek it only applied if you didn't have a bf.
Cat Catharsis (12:28:57 PM):	I know. And I feel badly about it. Marc Jas and I have been talking about it cuz we're ALL having a falling out of sorts right now.
YouStutterOften (12:29:44 PM):	Ahhh. Good <3>
Cat Catharsis (12:31:43 PM):	mmm. yeah. see. i don't know what to do about that too. cuz I've told Mike I want to slow down, and he would do anything for me, we both know that... but I don't know. its hard once you've gone fast. i know you don't really understand... but I'm trying to find a way to put this all back together. and going away for six months in January will either make Mike and I stronger or tear us apart. And me going off to BYUI will either make me stonger of a Mormon, or it will tear me apart. I think BYUI is going to be the majorrrr deal breaker for me.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:09 PM):	*by you dont understand I mean, you've never had an accelerated relationship
YouStutterOften (12:32:34 PM):	Lol, I knew what you mean. I knew it wasn't the mean kind of "You suck at understanding, shut up."
Cat Catharsis (12:32:48 PM):	LOL. I just wanted to clarify
Cat Catharsis (12:32:50 PM):	:P
YouStutterOften (12:32:54 PM):	lol, kk
YouStutterOften (12:33:08 PM):	What made you do stuff in the first place? lol
YouStutterOften (12:33:16 PM):	Just cause it was available and made ya feel good?
Cat Catharsis (12:33:25 PM):	no. because I wanted to.
YouStutterOften (12:33:28 PM):	[I don't wanna get into details, lol, i was just curious]
Cat Catharsis (12:33:34 PM):	lol
Cat Catharsis (12:37:00 PM):	idk. sometimes you have to fall to figure things out. I don't even KNOW if this is falling, [tho, i know MANY people think it is falling] and maybe this IS a mistake, but I don't know yet. I know that I will LEARN whether or not it is a mistake. Thats what I want most of all. I want to learn. I can't learn from stories. I can try, but stories are only fake emotion. I want real emotion to learn from. Nothing faux. Sometimes people don't need to learn from mistakes, but I think I'm the type of person who does, and so far, I don't feel as though I'm making a mistake. Its all just moving forward in life. I don't regret anything, and even if Mormonism doesn't work for me, which I know it will in the long run, I won't regret a minute of it. I don't regret my baptism by fire, I don't regret moving so fast into the religion. I made a choice, and I live with it. I made a choice with Mike, and I will live with it. I won't hole myself up with my mistakes like some people do or just plow thru my mistakes like they never happened and abuse life like some people do. my name is martin luther king and I just made a semi impressive speech last second. let freedom ring.
YouStutterOften (12:38:02 PM):	LMFAO
YouStutterOften (12:38:04 PM):	<3
Cat Catharsis (12:38:07 PM):	=]
YouStutterOften (12:38:09 PM):	I get what you're saying.
Cat Catharsis (12:38:25 PM):	glad to hear that. i wasn't even sure what I was saying. LOL
Cat Catharsis (12:38:27 PM):	jk.
YouStutterOften (12:38:52 PM):	So, what have you learned so far from this 'situation'? or what ever you wanna call it... lmao. I could tell =P jkkkk
Cat Catharsis (12:39:16 PM):	which 'situation'? me being a bad mormon?
YouStutterOften (12:39:25 PM):	Yeah, I guess, lol
Cat Catharsis (12:41:15 PM):	Hmm. I've learned that I am human and prone to making mistakes, even when I try not to. I've learned that when I am ready I can repent, however, I will not deny the Holy Ghost. If the Holy Ghost kicks me in the buttox I'll do what I feel prompted to do, but I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong. Not yet. And I'm not going to pull a Tom and stop going to church. Not ever. Marc Jas and I discussed how we may suck at following doctrine, but we won't ever stop believing. Marco said that at some point he may become inactive, but he won't ever deny his faith.
YouStutterOften (12:42:33 PM):	Okay. Good. That's basically what I was hoping to hear. Ok. I'm not annoyed or worried or anything anymore, haha.
YouStutterOften (12:42:40 PM):	<3
Cat Catharsis (12:43:16 PM):	LOL. Good. No, don't worry. I'm not going to do what some thought I would do. But HEY, I lasted longer than Christmas! I'm not a Buddist yet!
YouStutterOften (12:43:36 PM):	LMMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YouStutterOften (12:43:39 PM):	<33333333333333
Cat Catharsis (12:45:00 PM):	do you think tom will ever come back to church?
YouStutterOften (12:45:06 PM):	Nope.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:23 PM):	do you think he regrets it all?
YouStutterOften (12:45:28 PM):	Well, when he comes to pull his papaers, I think he might attend the service.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:41 PM):	he IS pulling his papers?
YouStutterOften (12:45:49 PM):	No. I don't think he regrets the church. I think he regrets rushing.
YouStutterOften (12:45:52 PM):	Unlike you =P
YouStutterOften (12:45:57 PM):	Yep.
Cat Catharsis (12:45:58 PM):	haha.
Cat Catharsis (12:46:48 PM):	ugh. i wish he hadn't felt like he needed to keep up with me. i wish he just learned at his own pace. i had 3/4 of the religion covered already from past religious studies. he had........... 1/16th.
Cat Catharsis (12:47:41 PM):	and I feel bad about accusing him of basing our friendship off a lie. the only reason he joined at a fast rate was for friendship.. the only reason I was really friends with him was out of respect that he could take religion so seriously, then we became friends thru church activities and such. now, he is such a different person.
YouStutterOften (12:48:09 PM):	Mmm, but you are, too.
YouStutterOften (12:48:18 PM):	I think that if you hadn't changed so much, WE wouldn't even be so close.
Cat Catharsis (12:48:28 PM):	I know. its weird.
YouStutterOften (12:48:53 PM):	Mmm. But we're growing up... It's kinda really nice, lol

YouStutterOften (12:28:50 AM):	But in his position, you're hypocritical.
Cat Catharsis (12:29:07 AM):	WE'RE BOTH HYPOCRITICAL.
Cat Catharsis (12:29:20 AM):	he can't accuse me of being hypocritical; that's hypocritical!
Cat Catharsis (12:29:24 AM):	ITS A FERKIN CATCH 22
YouStutterOften (12:29:49 AM):	The fact that you see it makes it not matter anymore. He just needs to notice that either way, you're both like that, and he needs to get over it.
Cat Catharsis (12:31:02 AM):	yup. i acknowledged it. I mean. I guess I couldnt really say anything in the first place: i've never been in a relationship. I didn't understand the emotion and passion behind finding someone you like a lot. that doesn't count as an excuse though. I just didn't realize it.
YouStutterOften (12:31:51 AM):	Exactly, lesson learned, time to move on.... But he doesn't get it.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:40 AM):	ugh. why does HE have to be the slow learner :P just kidding. I know we'll get past this. I asked him if he wanted to pull his records, honestly, because its so final, so definite. He said he didn't know. he wants to talk to bishop first.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:46 AM):	idk how that's going to end, honestly.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:53 AM):	hes never OPEN with bishop.
Cat Catharsis (12:32:55 AM):	EVERRR
YouStutterOften (12:33:24 AM):	I don't think he's really open with any one the way that he should be. =[

Change. This is all about change. We've both changed. A lot! You say you miss me? I've been missing you since New Years Eve. That is when I feel as though I lost you.

"My fingertips are holdin' onto the cracks in our foundation,
And I know that I should let go, but I can't."

Sometimes I feel bad for Mike, because I do love you so much. And sometimes I feel bad for Megan, because I know that you love me so much. It feels like I'm not giving Mike everything he deserves. I know you don't like Mike and feel as though he doesn't deserve me, but I feel as though I don't deserve him. Maybe things won't work out. I don't predict the future, but I promise you, he has treated me as best as I would wish to be treated. And as far as me doing better? I don't see that at all. I have no idea how I can do better. I've never had a guy turn his head twice for me. Mike does constantly. He gives me more than the time of day.

This hurts. You think it doesn't for me? Its been hurting. Its been a four month long hurt. It hurt a lot the first few weeks of 2008, but you know me. I let it scar and I look at that scar constantly, metaphorically speaking. I remember how much it hurt when I got that scar and the remembrance makes it hurt again. This scar? It wasn't just a little flesh wound. It wasn't a scratch that bled for a minute then scabbed over. This was a deep wound. It took more than a month for the bleeding to stop. But the scar is made. We both made it. I know that recently it has been my turn to make the wound. I didn't think my pursuit of happiness would affect you so badly. I know your own pursuit of happiness affected me negatively, but I didn't think you'd be so.. so.. ME about this. Maybe that proves how alike we truly are.

You know what pushed me away? Honestly? Well, there are a few factors, some of which I'll publicly display. The way you kept pushing yourself between Mike and I for starters. I really do love the fact that you're trying to protect me, like a brother would, but it seemed like more, like you were jealous. Jealous to a different degree. It kind of frightened me.

Having you say that you accept the relationship means so much to me. It really does.


I know Mike won't like this Blog. He hates the fact that another guy means so much to me. He hates when I talk about him. He hates when I complain about him. He hates when I tell stories involving him. He will hate this blog.

I hate how you're both so jealous. I hate how she hates me in your life. I hate how he hates you in my life. And I hate this emotion.

A meaningful message.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken ho mes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Words are the means to meaning

Every word in life is for your personal interpretation. Thats why words are so dangerous. Words express your point of view, but you must be certain that your point of view is expressed clearly and concisely or else your point of view is turned into someone else's point of view. When your view is turned to someone else's view, your view is obliterated; it is now someone else's view, but they can accuse you of their view of your view. Follow me? Probably not. I'm not expressing my view very well.

Its like the Bible. EVERYONE sees the Bible differently. No one person sees the Bible in the same light. Its personal interpretation. Mayhap God wants us to see Him as we will, because He is all.

Making sense now?

Every word has hundreds of meanings, especially when paired with several other words. Phrases all have different weights, different emotions, and different meanings to every person. When I say that I miss someone, maybe I mean to say "I miss your company" or "I miss who you were" or even "I miss who I used to be around you" or any other amount of things. Only you can really know what you mean until you use thousands of words to get your point across to someone else.

Words are sacred.

skip.a.beat.

For you, my heart beats in 3/4 time,




when its written in 4/4 time.