Ah-guh.

That describes everything.

I remember senior year with Tom

and all the times we would pass notes in Study Hall

and how I would tell him about how INADEQUATE I felt.

With his help, I got over my inadequacy feelings.

But now it is back and stronger than ever.

I feel:

unwanted

un-needed

unattractive

not useful

not helpful

as if I were a burden

in the way

uncomfortable

the maker of uncomfortable-ness

not good enough

in the right place at the wrong time

like I can't breathe

in a rut

stubborn

stupid

ignorant

like I suck at life cause I got a low GPA

like, do I even belong here

in the wrong

never in the right

like a bad Mormon

moronic

vengeful

like I complain to everyone

like I don't have control

powerless

pathetic

meek

futile

ugh

.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

pour real life down on me.

Cause I can't let go of anything

this good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me to?

So take care of what you ask of me

Cause I can't say no.

-Amy Lee

I'm so thankful for my friends, though.

Especially Kevin and Ashley who will both listen to me vent

then offer advice that isn't instructional.

[Cause I hate being told what I ought to do]

We have known each other for only a few months and I feel so connected...

They know the darkest things about me

and never have they looked down upon me

or spoken to me condescendingly.

No patronization = no Cat frustration.

That REALLY long list of inadequacy was pretty depressing.

So, here are some things that I love:

back in the days when we were young, when everything was like a loaded gun

ready to go off at any minute.

Altoids

Kevin and Ashley

Piper, Shu & Wes

Chapstick

Driving around with no ambition

speeding

drifting

shifting gears uber quickly

posicore

Alesana

A Day to Remember

Sceaming music

Screaming

laughing

experimenting with makeup

creating awkward moments

being alone

reading

writing

making lists =P

long hot showers

Brazilian candy =]

Victoria's Secret lotion

Louis Vuitton

candles

Brazilian cookies

my new room-mates

hugs

kisses

trust

cashews

pink, oddly enough

spring weather

the ocean =[

procrastination

texting

Mormonism

Being a non-conservative Mormon

American Eagle

Clothes =]

cooking

making cookies!

gum

blue skies

my neighbor, Steffi, from India

being caught checking out people [ssa issue, though, lol]

same as above but in church

movies

books

Dr. House

pink light-bulbs

grass!

pens

.

I like how the 'loves' is longer than my 'inadequate' list.

<3

Peace out, cub scout!!