I am your own Pandora.

I'm so depressed... and I don't really know what to do about it. Everything is going right, but it still ends up wrong. I dropped a class, so I should be feeling more at ease, but I'm still wicked stressed about it. Yes, this is me complaining.

A dying withering tree alone in a field. What symbolism. What truth. Empty and decaying with overcast skies hovering overhead.

I am futile. I am a negative affect on him. I am not helping him, in fact, I am reversing any positive advances he had. I am Pandora.

"Pandora, I don't know how you charmed your way into my heart and I don't know how you snuck your way into my arms, but I know that I'll regret what I did and I know I'll regret it forever as I throw my life away, Pandora."

I dislike flying a smidge... so I attempted to sleep... and failed. Cloud cover was obstructing my view completely, so I had no idea where I was. So, I read my book and listened to my life saver, my iPod. Finally, when the cloud cover dispersed, this is what I saw.

It is completely gorgeous. I can't stand how amazing it is out here.



I just miss the ocean.


And the air is so thin here. I can hardly breathe.

Adrenaline

I love snow storms and the fact that we've gotten 20 inches in about three days. This is on top of the ice storm we had maybe two weeks ago? This winter is off to a marvelous start. But what I love the most about snow storms is driving in the snow. However, the whole preparing to go out in the snow is not the most spectacular part. Brushing off the car, warming up the car, shoveling out the car. Not my favorite thing to do. And if you ever get to be passenger to my snow-driving, you'd insist that I despise driving in the snow. I yell at slow drivers doing 15 miles an hour. I yell at my car for fish-tailing so easily. I just yell. I love going fast in the snow. And by fast I completely mean 40 miles an hour. I love it when the roads aren't plowed. I LOVE fish-tailing when I plan to fish-tail. I love the thrill of knowing I am in control of a car in crazy conditions. I also, oddly enough, love knowing that one bad move could land me in a ditch, or maybe even worse. But where is the fun if there is no danger? Love means so much more if you know that it could end at any time. Life means so much more if you know it could end at any time. Why bother surviving when you could be living? Living doesn't mean living life with constant stupidity, just, take a chance, do something no one would expect of you. Live. Dream. Believe.

Live always.
Dream always.
Believe always.

Monty Pythonnn!

So, let me just say, I'm going to freakin' miss Bex [thesex] like, you have NO idea. She is the voice in the back of my head; my voice of reason.. and it's pretty flippin' weird sometimes. Like, I'll ask questions that aren't mine just because I know she has that question... yep. Strange. She's mah soul sistah.

Haha, went shopping with Ashlee todayyy.
I feel so bad for that girl. She seriously gets scarred for life every time she is around Becca and I. Becca and I... we have no conversation boundaries... and Ashlee.... she hears all that Bex and I talk about. HAHA. Probably way more than she ever wanted to know. So, Ashleeee, this is our apology. :P






And again,
NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETLY DIFFERENT!

lolerskates, roflcopter

I love reading old posts;
it makes me realize how pathetic I can be.
And, it makes me realize that I care too much...
about stupid idiotic boys who always try to wreak crazy havoc.
I think I'm going to start caring less. :P

EDIT:
I'm done caring about guys who are ridiculous.
Like, the ones who are so demeaning.. the ones who go "you have a HUUUGE zit forming" then the next day go "what are you going to do with that zit of yours?!" then the day after that say "you know, I'd get rid of that if I were you.."

Do you have any idea what its like to have a guy who says "will you please remove your makeup? I can't stand it!" and when you do, he goes "oh, THERE'S CAT, I was wondering where she was! She is so beautiful without the makeup."

And now for something completely different:
[this is why I love potatoes so much]

Revenge of sense?

Is this your revenge?!
Slander?
Make my future family to say:
"Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?"
[Pride and Prejudice]



You're insufferable.

antidisestablishmentarianism

DISCLAIMERS:
If you haven't read ALL the Twilight books and care to, there may be a chance that this may contain some spoilers, consider yourself warned.

If you are an avid fangirl of Twilight, some material may not be appropriate and may be terribly offensive. Such claims are not mine. Credit is given where credit is deserved.





I find those who obsess amusing. They devote their lives to something so pitiful.
Its ONE thing to obsess over a series of books, but its another thing to obsess over your HATRED of a book series.

If you don't like it, don't bother.

Nope, not good enough for some people. They have to openly join facebook groups to BASH authors and their work. Then they persist on bashing the characters created..

patheticccc

Examples? I am abounding in examples.


The Pro-Twilight obsessions are some of my faves.
Lets start with: www. hisgoldeneyes. com... yes.
Okay, so its NOT that shabby. There's a section devoted to blood drives, something Carlisle would be proud of, allegedly.

Someone from Venezuela wrote on a Bella fanpage: "I love you Bella!!
Bite me now!" and there are many other shouts of love, which just amuse me.


Of higher content are the ANTI Twilight pages.
On one anti-Twilight page, they are really grasping for reasons and blowing things WAYY out of proportion when they wrote this:

"For all that despise that creepy controlling vampire by the name of Edward Cullen or just Twilight in general.

Edward:

1. I will creepily watch Bella as she sleeps and eats cause that's what ALL the cool kids do....

2. I control my Bella and don't let her do what she wants...even though she is pathetically stupid. Oh, was "my Bella" possessively sexist? Yes. Because it's in the book folks, no denying it.

3. SHE CAN'T SEE HER BEST FRIEND CAUSE I IS JEALOUS

4. I'm extremely handsome. And the terms "marble cold body and melting topaz eyes" haven't been used enough.

5. We talk about the most boring shit, like me killing her. And then me asking her out. And then me warning her. But then asking her out again.

6. I like Bella because of: ...her smell and..and..yea there isn't anything else is there?

7. Left Bella and made her depressed for like half the book. Who even wants to read about that?

8. Be more of a serious sally please.

9. I'M AN OLD MAN PREYING ON A YOUNG GIRL
Oh wait what? Definition? Pedophile. There we go.
_______________________________

Bella:

1. ZOMG MI FAVURITE CULOR IZ TEH BROWNZ CUZ ITS BORINGS LYKE ME

2. I hate my dad even though he lovingly sacrificed his daily life to let in a pubescent, hormonal, moody teenage girl.

3. Everyone wants to be friends with me but I don't want to be friends with them cause I like wallowing in my own sadness

4. I do exactly the opposite of everything I'm told to do cause I know that way I'll almost die and Edward will have to come save me... again.

5. I trip on everything cause I know it makes teh boyz like me

6. I get mad at the boy who almost killed me when he tries to apologize

7. I think Renesmee is a good name

8. I think Renesmee is a pronouncable name

9. I likez the sex

10. I made out with my daughter's boyfriend... won't THAT be an interesting bedtime story

11. I have no appreciation for sex jokes.

12. I think its sexy when boys tell me they want to kill me

Twilight sucks. Times infinity.
Please feel free to add more reasons to the list.
______________________________
TWILIGHT AND THE VALUES IT TEACHES:

1. Controlling boyfriends are okay, if they are hot.
2. True love can be defined through hot boys and great smelling chicks.
3. Making boys save you from all your problems is the right path to becoming a good and independent individual.
4. Girls are all weak and need boys to come save them.
5. Give up all of your dreams and goals (even if that DOES mean reading Wuthering Heights over and over) for a boy.
6. Be mean to your dad.
7. The Chief of Police is stupid and won’t be able to tell you are sneaking a boy into your room. So do it.
8. Women are meant to be in the kitchen, because cooking it the only thing Bella knows how to do.
9. Making out with your daughter’s bf is okay.
10. Making out with someone else when you are engaged is also okay.
11. Name your child Renesme and you won’t regret it.
12. Refuse to have any friends at school because they aren’t good enough for you anyway.
13. Killing yourself is okay, as long as it's in the name of love.
14. Date Edward Cullen. And then you too can marry him and have a crazy half-vampire kid that doesn't exist. "

Also on that page:
Lovely Torie Jee

The Twilight Series: Edward Cullen is a shitty character that has absolutely no flaws whatsoever. That, my friend, is called shitty writing. Jacob Black is a hairy little weirdo that tries to act all bad-ass and Bella is a shallow, dim-witted girl whose entire world revolves around boys. She so called "loves" Edward for no other reason than he's hot. Oh wow, she smells like "strawberries" and "freesia" and he's afraid to hurt her cause he's a vampire! Boo hoo! So what? Is that it? Dear Lord, I dedicated a whole paragraph to my utter hatred for Twilight. Shit. I bet I'm going to be mobbed by a bunch of fangirls now screaming "NO I HATE U I LUV EDWARD CULLEN! I AM MRS. EDWARD CULLEN." Whatever. Go read your precious "Breaking Dawn" book in your corner, you stupid emo girl. Good luck finding your own immortal pretty boy that sparkles in the sunlight like a pansy or have fun searching for a hairy underage wannabe bamf that is all sweaty and disgusting. I hope he sweats all over you. Anyway, whatever you fancy, just go away already. I'm sick of hearing all this acclaim for a shitty book. It's called a plot, Stephenie Meyers. Maybe you should write one. "
[http://www. facebook. com/group. php?gid=68651885456&ref=nf]

There is such a thing as an opinion and the freedom to express it, but for pete's sake people, there is a difference between bashing and stating an opinion.

And, someone even went so far in his hate-dom of the series to re-write Breaking Dawn as he saw it. http://breakingdawnparody. blogspot. com/

Although it is freakin' hilarious.


ME? Oh, I love the series. I love how intertwined the plot is, although, the end of the series is, of course, a semi let down, as most series enders are [allusion to Harry Potter]. As for the claims of Edward's obsessiveness and controlling nature, think merely of the time he was brought up in and think also of how forgiving he is of this nature and allows Bella to do as she pleases, even when she is keeping secrets from him [Breaking Dawn, J Jenks] and he cared enough about her and TRUSTED her enough to not pry.

Anyway, that was my rant about how stupid it is to obsess over negative things, which is a waste of time. Don't bash authors. If you feel you could write a better book, don't waste your time tearing other author's works apart, write your own damn book.










---------------------------------------------------------------------




On a different note:
I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life,
career-wise that is,
and I know I want to do something involving English,
sobeit writing, editing, reading, teaching, etc,
ANYTHING to do with the language.
Maybe I could teach English as a second language,
if I can master a different language such as Spanish that is.
However, I don't want to do some dry boring drab writings where I just drone on and on about something asinine
such as:
National Debt,
Mating rituals of penguins,
How to properly assemble a book shelf,
How to shift a car,
What the square root of Pi REALLY is,
How badly the economy sucks,
My life biography, [unless I just use instances in my life as motivation for a fictional story],
The proper use and function of the abbreviation of "etc." and how ect. is a lame misspelling of the perfect Latin,
How spell check makes us all lazy buffoons, myself including considering I didn't know which vowel to use in that primate's name.
How pathetic this generation TRULY is.

Instead I'd LOVE to write philosophical pieces explaining the different minute idiotic mindsets of human teenagers.
Categorizations of the teenaged primates of America.
How America sucks in comparison to other nations that are as respected as we are without being masochistic morons about it.
How other countries suck in comparison to America.
Why we should flee this country with any dignity we have left before the Stock Market crashes... again,
BECAUSE WE CAN'T LEARN FROM PREVIOUS MISTAKES WE MAKE,
Unless Obama actually does all that he promised,
excluding that whole walking on water business.
I'd like to write one coherent fictional book,
a few short stories,
and I would love to reveal truths.
I find myself already doing such when popular myths and conspiracies are posted on Myspace and such by finding the fact in it all and posting MY version of what is going on.
Not to mention I never miss an opportunity to inform people via Myspace that general society is being immature as exhibited above with my attack on the anti-Twilighters.


Question:
Is it coincidence that ever since Obama was elected President the stock market is doing better?

Answer:
I hope not.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now for something completely different:



Circa May '07
Haha. I met him when he had that beard. =P





July '07
Youth Conference. Its when we got to know each other a smidge better.



June '08
Senior Banquet.
I look terrible in this picture, but I love it nonetheless,
because, mostly, it shows how seriously he takes me,
how seriously I WANT to be taken.
I'm young, and I don't necissarily want to take everything seriously.
I'm carefree.
He said "take a picture of us!" I, not fond of cameras, grimaced but acquiesced, turned my camera away from my gorgeous friends for a moment and stared down the lens of my camera. When I began to press down the button he turned his head away from the camera and began to tell me he loved me. Thats what it takes for me to smile unabashed in a picture.
A picture says a thousand words, but I have one thousand more to say on top of that.


He and I have changed so much over the last year. We're best friends and that will never change,
but I feel we are so much more.
Inseperable even.
A part of me is away from me.. Miles and miles away. Days away.
I spent so long trying to fill a void before the void was completely created,
but I realized that only one person could fix that void...
the one who created it.
As Bella-esque that sounds, its the plain and simple truth.




I know that I've made some mistakes and that I've screwed up a whole lot of things...
but is it too late to say 'sorry'?
Because I am;
I am sorry.



-------------------------------------------------------------




"this is how liberty dies;
with thunderous applause"
-Padme; Star Wars ep. III

One Star

Like winter in July.

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~ by Ralph Waldo Emerson


I have found men who didn't know how to kiss.
I've always found time to teach them.
~ by Mae West ~




She lives only in winter
Even under summer’s sun
She’s just re-living moments
When she thought he was the one
-Author unknown


When love comes so strong there's no right or wrong.
Your love is your life.
[West Side Story]


"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.
She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone
On the fore-finger of an alderman,
Drawn with a team of little atomies
Over men’s noses as they lie asleep;
Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut
Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,
Time out o’ mind the fairies’ coachmakers.
Her wagon-spokes made of long spinners’ legs,
The cover of the wings of grasshoppers,
The traces of the smallest spider’s web,
The collars of the moonshine’s watery beams,
Her whip of cricket’s bone, the lash of film,
Her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat,
Not so big as a round little worm
Prick’d from the lazy finger of a maid;
And in this state she gallops night by night
Through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of love;
O’er courtiers’ knees, that dream on court’sies straight,
O’er lawyers’ fingers, who straight dream on fees,
O’er ladies ‘ lips, who straight on kisses dream,
Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues,
Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are:
Sometime she gallops o’er a courtier’s nose,
And then dreams he of smelling out a suit;
And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig’s tail
Tickling a parson’s nose as a’ lies asleep,
Then dreams, he of another benefice:
Sometime she driveth o’er a soldier’s neck,
And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,
Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,
Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon
Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,
And being thus frighted swears a prayer or two
And sleeps again. This is that very Mab
That plaits the manes of horses in the night,
And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,
Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:
This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,
That presses them and learns them first to bear,
Making them women of good carriage:
This is she—"
[Mercutio, Romeo + Juliet, William Shakespeare]


Get outta this place while we still have time.


My life feels like this:

put me back together?


Is this my blog on love or life?
Or is it both?
I don't know where I am standing any more.
So, I'm waiting...
putting together my puzzle;
figuring things out.

But, I take comfort in the fact that if I stand absolutely, positively still...
I can watch the stars move.

Where ever you are,
where ever I am,
the stars still spell our our names.

Lyfe lyke whoa.

So, this feeling of life just hurtling forward at you? Yes, I'm familiar. Trying to align my upcoming life at college by getting my loans organized, my plane ticket found and yadda yadda yadda. Very stressful.



Dad just had double bypass surgery. Just got home. Just got strange here.



In other news, politics SUCK AT LIFE.
Palin is a nimrod.
McCain is stupid for choosing her.
Tina Fey makes a better VP than Sarah Palin.

OH and I watched 3940839 repeats from Project Runway and I STILL love Christian.


<3



IK HOUD VAN U! =]

Madina Lake

I'm fully convinced that the author of the lyrics for all Madina Lake songs was:
A. Genius
B. Depressed
C. Having Woman Issues.




And Tom, if you still care at all:

Sometimes I try not to hate myself
For everything I never said
When you were here
And so I'm burning up photographs
Of what was a perfect past
'Cause I'm still here
But I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

It's so hard that I try to bury it
Pretend that you didn't exist
So I can be strong
But I feel sick
And I feel diseased
'Cause everyone abandons me
And I can't move along
'Cause I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference
Between me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt
And I wish you were here

I can not pretend you didn't exist
Misery is just a state of mind
Hiding from the world's no way to live
So I'll convince myself that I'll be fine
I'll be fine
But since I lost you I'm barely holding on

Where did I go wrong
Choking on the difference between
Me and the world
And ever since you've been gone
I've been torn apart
I know that you can't hear me but
I'm still hurt

So I look up to the stars
And wonder out loud
Why everything I had in life
Has fallen from my arms
Can you even hear this song?
I'm screaming at the clouds
Screaming to a galaxy
That never cared at all
That I need you here


I was jealous of her.
I got over it.
Its your turn, babe, cause this is for real.
I need you here;; still.

le amoreeee!

Your kisses are the sweetest things.

You've stolen my heart...

Don't you dare break it boy,

or I'mma make you regret life.

But, I'll tell you one thing:

Wise words.

"And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this
Good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too?"
-Amy Lee-

"Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"
-Jeff Buckley-


"Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars

The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffees never strong enough
I know you think it's more than just bad luck

There, there baby, it's just textbook stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don't loose your head
'Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah"
-Imogen Heap-


"But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by
I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall"
-Ingrid Michaelson-


"I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard and we wonder
To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for
Morning to wake you; it's all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more it's called a funeral
Every occasion oh I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion of one brilliant day funeral"
-Band of Horses-


"she was the one love of my life, and i let her go
and if i look like death today,
then please let her know
i never wanted to do harm to her
i only wanted her to see
the beauty of the world surrounding her
but when she opened up her eyes
it's much too late
our chance has gone
she's with a guy
who takes the price for everything i ever showed her
digging all the fun
because she's older
i fed her with a spoon
i made her mother smile
i helped the kid survive

she was the one love of my life,
she showed me the road
i loved her dog, her steady gaze, the chapter is closed
i always wanted all the best for her
the best thing was to stay away
she grew up and she left the rest of us
and now the understanding's gone"
-Belle and Sebastian-

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever."
-Noah; the Notebook-

"Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone. "
-Noah; the Notebook-


I love you. From the day I met you I knew I would grow to love you. And I appreciate everything we have gone through. Please know that I will always love you, no matter what happens; I will ALWAYS be here. I would rather us go on as we are, but I know that is entirely impossible for you and I respect your reasons and decision. I respect you. But I could see our lives entwined as one, I really could. I can't see the future, nor do I pretend to, but I could completely imagine our future, and I know you could imagine it, too.
I'll be honest, I don't want to date around, really. Not after what we just had and could possibly have in the future. Frankly, I just don't think there is anyone around here I would like to date, really. But there is always college and that frightens me a bit. The thought of you dating other girls doesn't perturb me all that much, its just the thought of you getting serious with them. That is what makes me queasy the most.

I don't want to be just number sixteen to you.
I want to be more than that in your memory.

I knew what I was getting myself in for this summer.
I knew I'd get attached,
I had NO idea, however, I'd get THIS attached.

♥

I just learned how to paint and I found that I <3 abstracts such as this.
[this is not mine, by the way.]
Abstracts are very emotional but sometimes its so emotional that only you can understand.
Other can relate to an abstract, but when the paints are blending
and when you choose the colors, only you know why you chose that color,
what it represents to you,
why you chose for it to blend,
or why it didn't blend.
Its all symbolic.
The texture, thickness, depth, blending, colors etc..
Its wonderful.


Maybe someday I'll learn to paint other things as well.
I am just a beginner, after all. =]

Snippets :

"And I heard a voice from the Father saying: Yea, the words of my Beloved are true and faithful. He that endureth to the end, the same shall be saved."
[2Nephi 31:15]




I know 100 % [my views on Tom] because I'm scared. He was so strong and he fell. He is so far away from everything. Look what happened to him. We were so strong together. I feel like I lost my other half, in a way. My other wheel. I'm afraid I'm next. I almost WAS next. I was living up to be next. I felt like, wow he fell, it must be fate that I too fall. So, I kinda looked for ways to fall. [this all ties into something else that made me stupid tonight]:

My inadequacy. [synonymous in the Cat dictionary of life to: depression, stupidity, emotional problems]. Ask Tom, I have, in the past, had some inadequacy problems. I haven't had a serious bought of depression/inadequacy for a while. But all of a sudden tonight I had this overwhelming feeling of depression. I haven't had that feeling since last November.


He [my father] tells me I did something wrong and we need to have a family meeting about it, but the meeting will be in the far distant future, so until then I have time to think "what did i do wrong?", "what did I screw up this time?" and then I think and think and think about little things I have done that would piss off dad. I left the computer on. I left the hairdryer out. I did this, I didn't do that. I failed this, or the cops finally called dad to report my speeding problem. My room is a mess. I didn't finish my laundry. WHATEVER the case. Its probably this time to do with the fact that I spend so much time doing churchy things and working and not enough time with the family. I have an inky feeling I'm about to get a curfew too. I mean, despite the fact that I try to do well and support myself and be as little of a hindrance on them as possible. I feel guilty if I EAT here. I sleep here and store my items here. I'm EIGHTEEN for crying out loud. I can't just sit here like every other summer and feel myself ROTTING while watching another episode of "Family Matters" or "Full House" or watching Moulin Rouge for the 8th time that week. I'm trying to get out of here. I"m sick and tired of them trying to ground me here. So, the whole Dad thing just TOTALLY added to my inadequacy feelings.

End.

<3

.:.J.F.Y.I.:.

Te Amo

.:.A.M.A.A.:.

I love you.
May thirteen, two thousand eight.
=]